Contemplation on my Collapse
After the events of Yesterday and Today, I think I can now put my Ritual Collapse in perspective. Maybe, just maybe, it was a form of Religious Ecstasy.
In my life, I've been dogged by epilepsy, and panic attacks. In both cases it's almost like a manic "holding on" or tensing of the muscles - then my body relaxes and tenses again. There are other effects as well. The Tonic Clonic fits I had would sometimes give me out of body experiences, but for the most part they were the most terrifying thing that I've ever experienced. And yet, part of that is the almost absolute drive to "stay in control", and failing dismally. Panic attacks seem to work the same way.
Not good.
When I collapsed after the ritual, there was no tensing and relaxing - I was just totally relaxed to a state where I could barely do anything. At the time it felt like a giant hand was holding me down to the ground. But being held isn't always a bad thing. I was frightened, yes. But later, I let that fear go and in a group effort I was raised into Cathryn's car and carried to safety. At that instant all the fear just fell away, and I found myself just floating in a sea of calm.
One thing that came out of that, and also from "the Mysteries" which I'd undertaken ealier that weekend, is that...I am not alone
This is not just the other gallae, but Mother is there - watching over me. Maybe with all the energy I had, went also a lot of anxiety too, like I was cleaned in the process.
That doesn't mean I don't have to struggle, don't have to make an effort. Life goes on and with it come all the problems of life. But Mother's hand is there, if I let it, if I relax and alow Her to guide me, in my path.
Normally when I fly I tense up when the plane lifts off and later lands. It scared teh shit out of me. But so far on the way home (I'm not back yet) that hasn't been the case. I know I'm in safe hands.
Got a lot to do when I get home, but I won't be alone in doing it.
In my life, I've been dogged by epilepsy, and panic attacks. In both cases it's almost like a manic "holding on" or tensing of the muscles - then my body relaxes and tenses again. There are other effects as well. The Tonic Clonic fits I had would sometimes give me out of body experiences, but for the most part they were the most terrifying thing that I've ever experienced. And yet, part of that is the almost absolute drive to "stay in control", and failing dismally. Panic attacks seem to work the same way.
Not good.
When I collapsed after the ritual, there was no tensing and relaxing - I was just totally relaxed to a state where I could barely do anything. At the time it felt like a giant hand was holding me down to the ground. But being held isn't always a bad thing. I was frightened, yes. But later, I let that fear go and in a group effort I was raised into Cathryn's car and carried to safety. At that instant all the fear just fell away, and I found myself just floating in a sea of calm.
One thing that came out of that, and also from "the Mysteries" which I'd undertaken ealier that weekend, is that...I am not alone
This is not just the other gallae, but Mother is there - watching over me. Maybe with all the energy I had, went also a lot of anxiety too, like I was cleaned in the process.
That doesn't mean I don't have to struggle, don't have to make an effort. Life goes on and with it come all the problems of life. But Mother's hand is there, if I let it, if I relax and alow Her to guide me, in my path.
Normally when I fly I tense up when the plane lifts off and later lands. It scared teh shit out of me. But so far on the way home (I'm not back yet) that hasn't been the case. I know I'm in safe hands.
Got a lot to do when I get home, but I won't be alone in doing it.