Tales of the Chronically Abused
I have a really hard time letting go of people - even if they hurt me, even if the do dispicable things to me, even if they are terribly destructive, even if they have made it very clear that they do not want me in their lives. For whatever reason, when I cling to someone (which isn't often) I cling very hard.
And so, in usual form, after a series of abuse and a fight that would encourage most of my friends to rile up some sort of weapon in my defense - I am sick with loneliness and find myself desperately missing my abuser and wanting to find reasons to forgive him. I even called and cried.
For whatever reason, when that person leaves or threatens to leave I get sick. Not always literally - though it has happened in the most serious of ways. But rather demented, out of my mind, and I find it impossible to find why anyone at all in this entire world would love me, want to spend time with me. My worth as a human being tends to be desperately attached to any person who walks away from me.
This is a time when I need the support of friends. Friends who I have, with out a doubt, pushed away in the course of my relationship with whoever he might be this time. Friends who have fallen to the wayside while I focused all my energy on a man who probably didn't love me the way they did, and for sure was never as good to me as 90% of my friends have been.
The lesson is always the same. And yet I never learn.
And so I throw my pride out the window and I say this.
Friends, if you're there - and you might not be - this is a moment in which I need support. Not like, crazy check up on me 23hrs a day support. Just friends to be around. I need to be made to feel as though I am worthy of being loved. I need people around to remind me that "he" is not the end all, be all in terms of companionship. And I guess this is silly and I doubt anyone cares much because - hell - I've cried out at far worse times than this and no one came. But I really need to get out of this cycle for good.
So if you could do that, if you could pick up the phone and tell me you love me - or you could drop by with a bottle of wine - or you could send a card from wherever you are - well, I'd really appreciate it.
Okay, you can't say I never asked.
And so, in usual form, after a series of abuse and a fight that would encourage most of my friends to rile up some sort of weapon in my defense - I am sick with loneliness and find myself desperately missing my abuser and wanting to find reasons to forgive him. I even called and cried.
For whatever reason, when that person leaves or threatens to leave I get sick. Not always literally - though it has happened in the most serious of ways. But rather demented, out of my mind, and I find it impossible to find why anyone at all in this entire world would love me, want to spend time with me. My worth as a human being tends to be desperately attached to any person who walks away from me.
This is a time when I need the support of friends. Friends who I have, with out a doubt, pushed away in the course of my relationship with whoever he might be this time. Friends who have fallen to the wayside while I focused all my energy on a man who probably didn't love me the way they did, and for sure was never as good to me as 90% of my friends have been.
The lesson is always the same. And yet I never learn.
And so I throw my pride out the window and I say this.
Friends, if you're there - and you might not be - this is a moment in which I need support. Not like, crazy check up on me 23hrs a day support. Just friends to be around. I need to be made to feel as though I am worthy of being loved. I need people around to remind me that "he" is not the end all, be all in terms of companionship. And I guess this is silly and I doubt anyone cares much because - hell - I've cried out at far worse times than this and no one came. But I really need to get out of this cycle for good.
So if you could do that, if you could pick up the phone and tell me you love me - or you could drop by with a bottle of wine - or you could send a card from wherever you are - well, I'd really appreciate it.
Okay, you can't say I never asked.