To Love Someone Like You
He was haunted by the ghost of her wherever he went. He could hear her voice in the kitchen, the way she would laugh, the curve of her smile. He saw the shadow of her in their bed. She was gone. He knew she was still alive, but sometimes it no longer felt that way. She was gone from his world, and yet her ghost still lingered, haunting his dreams and his waking life. Sometimes he thought he could see her reflection in the mirror. His aunt had been right, this wasn’t the life for Juliette, it was the best for her. But it still hurt him more than he thought possible to say goodbye. What had happened with Adalind had shown him that this life wasn’t safe for Juliette. She had told him she needed to know what was going on with him. Whatever was happening she had wanted to understand. And in that moment he had known that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t draw her any deeper into this life with him. It was better to let her go than to let her get hurt. But he knew he had hurt her anyway, she didn’t understand. But he was gone now and he was alone.
He threw himself into his work. It was easier that way. He gave him focus, without distractions he could turn his full attention to the work at hand. The table he once shared with Juliette was now spread out with violent images of recent murders. There was something going on, he just didn’t fully understand what. Each victim had experienced a recent tragedy and had claw marks that suggested some kind of beast. It was difficult to be sure, as there were no witnesses but he suspected wesen involvement in some capacity. But with little in the way of leads and no solid evidence it was still unclear what was going on.
*
“Are you okay?” Rosalee asked him, her voice laced with concern. “You haven’t been looking recently. Have you been sleeping?”
He shook his head, “not really. It’s been difficult since Juliette left. The house feels so empty without her.” He would spend long periods lying awake unable to shut out the constant buzz of guilt that her memory brought. He thought of her as if she had died, as if he had caused her death. But he knew that wasn’t true. He had saved her by ending it when he did. But it didn’t help him when he was trying to shut his brain off at night. The recent case wasn’t helping. The deaths were continuing and there was no indication why this particular person, (wesen?) was choosing the victims he was. He seemed to be targeting those who experienced recent loss.
“I can give you something for that, to help you sleep. It won’t fix it, but you will feel better if you can get some sleep.”
He didn’t usually need to take anything, but he the idea was hard to say no to. Rosalee was right, he might think more clearly if he could rest. She wasn’t wrong, he could see how bad he had been looking. But it was more than just a lack of sleep. Since Juliette had left he had thrown himself fully into both his jobs, both being a cop and a Grimm. When he couldn’t sleep he would spend time reviewing his aunt’s books, trying to learn everything he could about the Wesen world. Without Juliette around anymore he felt untethered. He had nothing stopping him from throwing himself fully into the world of Grimms and wesen. There was nothing holding him back, holding him to the life he had known before. This was his life now and he wanted to understand everything he could about it and the creatures that resided just out of sight.
The bell above the door rang alerting them to a customer’s presence. Rosalee looked up, her most pleasant smile in place as she looked to see who had come in.
“Hi, I was told you might be able to help me? I hope you can help me. I really don’t know where else to go.”
The smile left Rosalee’s face replaced by a sneer. “Adalind.” Her voice was flat and Nick moved instinctively to put himself between Adalind and Rosalee. One hand went to his gun and he took a step towards her.
“You know me?” Adalind sounded confused, but, of all things, hopeful, as she looked between Nick and Rosalee.
Nick took a step closer to her, saying, “What the hell are you doing here?” at the same time Rosalee said, “You have a lot of nerve showing your face after what you did.”
Adalind took a step back and her hand rested on the door handle, she pressed her back into the doorframe, ready to leave. But she hesitated watching them, there was a tense silence while Nick waited to see what she was going to do. Finally she let out a breathe, her body still tense. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t…I don’t know who I am and I was told you could help me. Maybe I was wrong, but you seem to know me. If I’ve done something wrong then I’m sorry.” Nick had never seen Adalind look so uncertain of herself. She was watching him warily and she looked frightened. He hadn’t seen her look so vulnerable before. Or perhaps he had, but only once, the night in the woods. It was this memory that stopped him. Whatever else she was, Adalind was human now. It meant she was no longer a threat to him or those he cared about. Whatever game she was playing now, she couldn’t hurt them.
“What are you talking about? What do you think Rosalee can do to help you?” He tried to keep his voice neutral but he it still came out as an accusation and he could see Adalind visibly flinch at his tone.
“I’ve been having trouble remembering. I don’t know what happened, but I woke up and I can’t seem to remember who I am. I don’t remember anything important, anything personal. I was told this spice shop is the place to go for help with anything out of the ordinary. I had the number of a doctor in my phone, and I went to see him. He said he’s known me for years and that this sort of problem wasn’t something he could help with. He gave me this address and said Rosalee could help me with what was wrong. I don’t know what you can do for me that a doctor can’t, but I thought it might be my only option.”
She looked between Nick and Rosale with a look that was cautiously hopeful.
“I’ll need to run some tests, and I can’t promise anything, but I think I might be able to help you. Could you just wait here for a minute while I…get things ready?” Rosalee’s voice was pleasant, like she was talking to any customer that wondered in off the street in need of help. But Nick knew he well enough to hear the strain in her voice and when she turned to go into the back room she gestured for him to follow her. He looked back at Adalind, he disliked leaving her alone, but Rosalee clearly wanted to talk to him in private. Adalind was looking around the shop, studying one of the bottles on the table near her. She looked so lost, it was as if an essential part of her had been taken away. It was enough to be a small break of doubt into his certainty that she was lying.
He waited until he was alone with Rosalee, and she had shut the door behind them, before he spoke. “She’s lying. She has to be, this must be some sort of game.”
“I thought that too. But I don’t see what good it would do her. What could she possibly gain from coming here like this? She knows you what you are, what you could do to her now that she’s human. I don’t see what she could possibly have to gain by putting herself in this position.”
He considered this, he couldn’t find an angle she could be playing either. But it was Adalind. There must be something more going on. “You think that she honestly lost her memory and came to you for help? It seems too much to believe. She has to be playing us.”
“There are spells that could create this kind of memory loss. A few are meant to do just this, and others memory loss is a potential side effect. It is possible if someone was trying to hurt Adalind they might have given her something that took away her memory, either by design or by accident. She doesn’t seem like herself, she just isn’t the Adalind I’ve seen. And I’m sure she’s made a lot of enemies while she was a hexenbeist. It would make sense that someone might try to take advantage of the fact that she’s no longer wessen.
“Could you…Could you stay in my room tonight? I don’t want to be alone tonight.” She was hesitant to ask and when he didn’t answer she rushed to take it back, “I’m sorry. That’s weird, you don’t have to.”
He considered it; he could see how uncertain she was. He hadn’t shared a bed with anyone in what felt like a lifetime. “I’ll be right in, I just need to get something.” Adalind smiled at that, some of the tension leaving her and she disappeared into her room. He went to his bedroom and grabbed his cellphone from the nightstand as well as his gun. He never felt safe unless he had his gun within reach, especially as of late. He walked into the dark of the guest bedroom. At least, that’s what it once was. Now he mostly thought of it as Adalind’s room. It still didn’t seem quite real that she was a part of his life now, living in his house.
He could see the outline of her form through the light from the moon. The bed creaked loudly as he sat down on the edge, setting his gun and phone on the night table. He sat still for a moment considering what he was doing. He didn’t believe Adalind was faking her memory loss but he did still wonder if she was manipulating him. She may no longer have her powers or her memory but she was still a hexenbeist.
He laid down on the bed sliding in under the covers. He could hear the rustle of fabric as Adalind turned towards him, “Thank you. I feel safer knowing you’ll shoot anything that comes through that door.” He didn’t respond and she turned away from him. He laid awake staring at the ceiling listening to the rhythmic sound of Adalind’s breathing as she fell asleep. Usually it was this time that his thoughts would turn to Juliette, or to the case he was working. But in the relative silence he found his racing thoughts beginning to quiet. Sooner than he expected he felt the tug of sleep. It was easier than he thought it would be to let go and let sleep take him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The morning light shone through the window as his alarm blared loudly beside him. He was uncommonly warm and comfortable. There was someone in his arms, an unfamiliar form pressed against him. He didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to lay in the stillness enjoying the peace that was so foreign to him. But the sound of the alarm wouldn’t stop and he was bringing him awake enough to remember where he was and why he wasn’t in his bed. Adalind was still sleeping, her back was to his chest and he had one arm around her, keeping her close to him. It made sense. He had slept like this with Juliette so many times. He was remembering her, in his sleep he had reached out for someone that wasn’t there anymore. That was all it was. He moved slowly trying not to wake Adalind. He reached back to turn off his alarm. He always set it early, just in case, but he didn’t need to get up yet. He could wait a little longer. He didn’t want to wake Adalind just yet. He laid back down he didn’t put his arm back around her, but he also didn’t pull away. Human contact was a commodity he had very little of as of late. He had been remembering Juliette, that’s why he had pulled Adalind in. At least…that’s what it had to be. But then, Juliette wasn’t the one who had haunted his dreams, and it wasn’t her that was on his mind when he woke.
“I’m sorry, I know this must be hard for you.” Adalind’s voice was soft. Not asleep then, he wondered how long she had been awake. “I’m sure you miss her. Rosalee told me what happened, what you did for her. I know I contributed to how it ended. I’m sorry, I wish I could do something to change that.”
He should be angry, he should tell her that she damn well should be sorry. She had been integral in ending his relationship, in hurting his friends. But he didn’t feel angry, he had resigned himself to what had happened.*
“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault,” he said, the thing of it was that it was true, not just comforting lies to make Adalind, or himself, feel better. “I think I wanted to blame you in the beginning. It was easier that way, to pretend there was another way it could have ended with Juliette. But it was no one’s fault. What I am now, what this life entails, it never would have been safe for her. My aunt was right, he only way to protect her was to let her go. I wish it could have been different, but there was no way she could have accepted what I am now.”
There was silence after that. There was nothing more to say. He thought Adalind wasn’t going to respond.
“I know Rosalee said my memory would come back eventually, but what if I don’t want to remember? I don’t know if I want to be the person I was. From what everyone says, I’m not sure I want to be that person again.” Her voice was empty and he couldn’t deny the thought had occurred to him too. He had wondered if there was a way to ensure Adalind never remember who she was. She was different like this, gentler, kinder. He wondered what it would be like to see her back to her old self.
“The way you are now, I think that means there was always some goodness in you. I wouldn’t have believed that until now. But I think there was always some part of you that was capable of good, even if you didn’t let that side of you show.”
“I hope your right.”
He hoped that too. He wanted to believe he was right. But there was no way to be sure, they would just have to wait and see what came.
**************************************
She opened the top drawer of the dresser and began putting her clothes in. Nick went down to get the rest of things. He wondered about what he was doing. Adalind was someone who, not that long ago, had tried to kill him. And now he was not only protecting her, he was helping her settle into his home. Maybe this was a mistake. Even without her memories she was still Adalind, she was still the same person who had done all those things. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He wanted to tell her to get out, that she was on her own. But he knew he couldn’t do that. She was the same person that tried to kill him, that hurt so many. But the way she was now, it was hard to believe. He thought about what Rosalee had said, that everyone deserved a second chance. Seeing Adalind like this gave him the glimmer of hope that she might be right. Maybe Adalind was different. He wasn’t sure he could save her from herself if her memories returned, but he could keep her safe until that time.
When he entered the spare room Adalind looked up, looking guilty as she set something down. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to snoop. But it was in the drawer…” She trailed off as he walked over to where she stood, picking up the picture she had set down. It was him and Juliette together, back when they were happy. He remembered that day. The picture had been taken at a friend’s party, everything had seemed so simple then. It made his gut twist with pain as he remembered how oblivious he had been to what was to come.
“Who is she?” Adalind’s voice was quiet, as if she wasn’t sure she could ask him.
“That’s Juliette, we were together back then, we used to share this house. But that was a long time ago. At least, it feels like a long time.” The house had felt empty since she had left and sometimes it felt like it had been an eternity since her presence filled the space.
“What happened?” Adalind was watching him and he set the picture down, picture side down so he didn’t have to see it anymore.
“After my Aunt came to visit and told me what I was, she told me that I needed to end things with Juliette. I fought it at first, but the more I came to terms with being a Grimm, the more I knew she was right. Being what I am is dangerous and I wanted to tell Juliette everything. But the more I understood the more I saw that I was just putting Juliette in danger, there was no escaping that. I ended it with her. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was the only way to keep her safe.” She had taken it better than he had expected, or at least her reaction had been different than he had anticipated. She hadn’t been angry or lashed out. She just looked sad and told him that she hoped one day he found someone he could be happy with, even if it wasn’t her. He could see he had broken her heart and it had killed him to see the pain he caused her. But on some level he knew, even now, that he had made the right choice for both of them. It was the way it had to be.
“Still, as painful as it was, I know it was for the best,” he continued, “she’s happy now. She moved in with her sister for a while, but now she’s settled into a new place. She could never have a normal life with me and I could never live with myself if anything happened to her.”
“I don’t think I understand,” The confusion was evident in Adalind’s voice, “What’s a Grimm?”
Nick had been so caught up in his story that he had forgotten Adalind no longer knew anything about Wessen or Grimms. This should be an awkward conversation.
*************************************
End**
“When did you start remembering?” Nick asked and Adalind looked up sharply at the question. She hesitated before answering and for a moment he thought she was going to try and deny it.
“It started gradually. I started remembering bits and pieces. Little things that had no connection, a stuffed animal I carried around as a child, or walking through a field of flowers. They were just little memories that had no real significance. Then they started to get clearer, I started having dreams about places I’d been and people I’d known. Once it started it the memories began to come back more quickly. It was as if a small crack in a wall had led way to everything crumbling down. By the time I remembered who I was, I also remembered everything I had done. I wanted to tell you, I thought about it. I know it was selfish to keep pretending, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was scared of what would happen when I did.”
“You thought I would hurt you?” It wasn’t a question, he knew it was a reasonable fear. He had hurt her after all, no matter how justified it had been he had killed a part of her. He could blame her for being afraid of him. But there was still a part of him that felt sick at the idea. He didn’t want Adalind to be afraid of him. There was a time he wanted that, for her to see him as the Grimm she should fear. But now he hated the idea of her seeing him like a monster.
“I thought it was a possibility. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. And I know what I did to Hank. I was afraid of what you would do to me if you knew I was back to being me again. But you know the most twisted part, I think more than that I was afraid of losing you. People haven’t been kind to me. I learned early on not to trust anyone, those closest to me are always those in the best position to try and manipulate me. But despite everything I did, you took me in, you were willing to protect me. I don’t deserve what you did for me, but I still can’t stand the thought of losing it. I can’t imagine my life without you in it.” There was a sad resignation in her voice, as if she had already given up on any possibility of a happy outcome.
There was a beat of silence and Adalind took a step towards him and looked like she was about to say something, then she shook her head and stepped back. “I’ll get my stuff and leave. I appreciate all you’ve done for me and if you ever find yourself needing something in return, you know where to find me.” She turned to go up the stairs but he grabbed her arm in a grip that was firm but not painful.
“Do you really think that’s why I helped you? So you’d owe me?”
“Of course not, Nick. You’re too good for that. You’re the knight in shining armor that comes to save the princess from the evil monster. But we both know I’m no princess and now that I’m not in danger anymore you have no reason to keep me around.” Her voice was bitter and her smile twisted. They both knew it was more complicated now. She knew who she was and it was better if she just left.
“I don’t want you to go. Who you were isn’t who you are now.” He could see she was about the argue and cut her off before she could, “even if it is it doesn’t matter. You can make a different choice. You aren’t a hexenbeist anymore, and you said you wished you could make a new choice, not be held back by what you did. I’m giving you that chance. You can start over, with me.”
“Sweet Grimm, you really think I can change? The witch is dead and you can pat yourself on the back for saving me, is that how this works?” Her tone was sarcastic but he could see the desperation behind her mocking.
“You already are different. When you couldn’t remember your past I saw the real you, beneath all the pain and all the hate. That’s who are. And that’s the person I fell in love with.”
**
“What happened to you? Who did this to you, do you remember now?”
“I do. I’ve made a lot of enemies over the years. But no one ever hated me more than I hated myself. After you took away my powers I tried to go home but mother and Sean wanted nothing to do with me. If I wasn’t a hexenbeist I wasn’t of value anymore. I had lost everything and I just wanted the pain to stop. I found a spell that was supposed to take away all my pain. I didn’t know exactly what it would do, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was making the emptiness go away. I mixed it up and took it without a moment of hesitation. And when I woke up, I suppose it worked. I didn’t feel empty anymore. Everything that had hurt me was gone, at least I didn’t remember it. I didn’t appreciate it then, but it made everything so much simpler. I had been wiped away clean and reborn new.
He threw himself into his work. It was easier that way. He gave him focus, without distractions he could turn his full attention to the work at hand. The table he once shared with Juliette was now spread out with violent images of recent murders. There was something going on, he just didn’t fully understand what. Each victim had experienced a recent tragedy and had claw marks that suggested some kind of beast. It was difficult to be sure, as there were no witnesses but he suspected wesen involvement in some capacity. But with little in the way of leads and no solid evidence it was still unclear what was going on.
*
“Are you okay?” Rosalee asked him, her voice laced with concern. “You haven’t been looking recently. Have you been sleeping?”
He shook his head, “not really. It’s been difficult since Juliette left. The house feels so empty without her.” He would spend long periods lying awake unable to shut out the constant buzz of guilt that her memory brought. He thought of her as if she had died, as if he had caused her death. But he knew that wasn’t true. He had saved her by ending it when he did. But it didn’t help him when he was trying to shut his brain off at night. The recent case wasn’t helping. The deaths were continuing and there was no indication why this particular person, (wesen?) was choosing the victims he was. He seemed to be targeting those who experienced recent loss.
“I can give you something for that, to help you sleep. It won’t fix it, but you will feel better if you can get some sleep.”
He didn’t usually need to take anything, but he the idea was hard to say no to. Rosalee was right, he might think more clearly if he could rest. She wasn’t wrong, he could see how bad he had been looking. But it was more than just a lack of sleep. Since Juliette had left he had thrown himself fully into both his jobs, both being a cop and a Grimm. When he couldn’t sleep he would spend time reviewing his aunt’s books, trying to learn everything he could about the Wesen world. Without Juliette around anymore he felt untethered. He had nothing stopping him from throwing himself fully into the world of Grimms and wesen. There was nothing holding him back, holding him to the life he had known before. This was his life now and he wanted to understand everything he could about it and the creatures that resided just out of sight.
The bell above the door rang alerting them to a customer’s presence. Rosalee looked up, her most pleasant smile in place as she looked to see who had come in.
“Hi, I was told you might be able to help me? I hope you can help me. I really don’t know where else to go.”
The smile left Rosalee’s face replaced by a sneer. “Adalind.” Her voice was flat and Nick moved instinctively to put himself between Adalind and Rosalee. One hand went to his gun and he took a step towards her.
“You know me?” Adalind sounded confused, but, of all things, hopeful, as she looked between Nick and Rosalee.
Nick took a step closer to her, saying, “What the hell are you doing here?” at the same time Rosalee said, “You have a lot of nerve showing your face after what you did.”
Adalind took a step back and her hand rested on the door handle, she pressed her back into the doorframe, ready to leave. But she hesitated watching them, there was a tense silence while Nick waited to see what she was going to do. Finally she let out a breathe, her body still tense. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t…I don’t know who I am and I was told you could help me. Maybe I was wrong, but you seem to know me. If I’ve done something wrong then I’m sorry.” Nick had never seen Adalind look so uncertain of herself. She was watching him warily and she looked frightened. He hadn’t seen her look so vulnerable before. Or perhaps he had, but only once, the night in the woods. It was this memory that stopped him. Whatever else she was, Adalind was human now. It meant she was no longer a threat to him or those he cared about. Whatever game she was playing now, she couldn’t hurt them.
“What are you talking about? What do you think Rosalee can do to help you?” He tried to keep his voice neutral but he it still came out as an accusation and he could see Adalind visibly flinch at his tone.
“I’ve been having trouble remembering. I don’t know what happened, but I woke up and I can’t seem to remember who I am. I don’t remember anything important, anything personal. I was told this spice shop is the place to go for help with anything out of the ordinary. I had the number of a doctor in my phone, and I went to see him. He said he’s known me for years and that this sort of problem wasn’t something he could help with. He gave me this address and said Rosalee could help me with what was wrong. I don’t know what you can do for me that a doctor can’t, but I thought it might be my only option.”
She looked between Nick and Rosale with a look that was cautiously hopeful.
“I’ll need to run some tests, and I can’t promise anything, but I think I might be able to help you. Could you just wait here for a minute while I…get things ready?” Rosalee’s voice was pleasant, like she was talking to any customer that wondered in off the street in need of help. But Nick knew he well enough to hear the strain in her voice and when she turned to go into the back room she gestured for him to follow her. He looked back at Adalind, he disliked leaving her alone, but Rosalee clearly wanted to talk to him in private. Adalind was looking around the shop, studying one of the bottles on the table near her. She looked so lost, it was as if an essential part of her had been taken away. It was enough to be a small break of doubt into his certainty that she was lying.
He waited until he was alone with Rosalee, and she had shut the door behind them, before he spoke. “She’s lying. She has to be, this must be some sort of game.”
“I thought that too. But I don’t see what good it would do her. What could she possibly gain from coming here like this? She knows you what you are, what you could do to her now that she’s human. I don’t see what she could possibly have to gain by putting herself in this position.”
He considered this, he couldn’t find an angle she could be playing either. But it was Adalind. There must be something more going on. “You think that she honestly lost her memory and came to you for help? It seems too much to believe. She has to be playing us.”
“There are spells that could create this kind of memory loss. A few are meant to do just this, and others memory loss is a potential side effect. It is possible if someone was trying to hurt Adalind they might have given her something that took away her memory, either by design or by accident. She doesn’t seem like herself, she just isn’t the Adalind I’ve seen. And I’m sure she’s made a lot of enemies while she was a hexenbeist. It would make sense that someone might try to take advantage of the fact that she’s no longer wessen.
“Could you…Could you stay in my room tonight? I don’t want to be alone tonight.” She was hesitant to ask and when he didn’t answer she rushed to take it back, “I’m sorry. That’s weird, you don’t have to.”
He considered it; he could see how uncertain she was. He hadn’t shared a bed with anyone in what felt like a lifetime. “I’ll be right in, I just need to get something.” Adalind smiled at that, some of the tension leaving her and she disappeared into her room. He went to his bedroom and grabbed his cellphone from the nightstand as well as his gun. He never felt safe unless he had his gun within reach, especially as of late. He walked into the dark of the guest bedroom. At least, that’s what it once was. Now he mostly thought of it as Adalind’s room. It still didn’t seem quite real that she was a part of his life now, living in his house.
He could see the outline of her form through the light from the moon. The bed creaked loudly as he sat down on the edge, setting his gun and phone on the night table. He sat still for a moment considering what he was doing. He didn’t believe Adalind was faking her memory loss but he did still wonder if she was manipulating him. She may no longer have her powers or her memory but she was still a hexenbeist.
He laid down on the bed sliding in under the covers. He could hear the rustle of fabric as Adalind turned towards him, “Thank you. I feel safer knowing you’ll shoot anything that comes through that door.” He didn’t respond and she turned away from him. He laid awake staring at the ceiling listening to the rhythmic sound of Adalind’s breathing as she fell asleep. Usually it was this time that his thoughts would turn to Juliette, or to the case he was working. But in the relative silence he found his racing thoughts beginning to quiet. Sooner than he expected he felt the tug of sleep. It was easier than he thought it would be to let go and let sleep take him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The morning light shone through the window as his alarm blared loudly beside him. He was uncommonly warm and comfortable. There was someone in his arms, an unfamiliar form pressed against him. He didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to lay in the stillness enjoying the peace that was so foreign to him. But the sound of the alarm wouldn’t stop and he was bringing him awake enough to remember where he was and why he wasn’t in his bed. Adalind was still sleeping, her back was to his chest and he had one arm around her, keeping her close to him. It made sense. He had slept like this with Juliette so many times. He was remembering her, in his sleep he had reached out for someone that wasn’t there anymore. That was all it was. He moved slowly trying not to wake Adalind. He reached back to turn off his alarm. He always set it early, just in case, but he didn’t need to get up yet. He could wait a little longer. He didn’t want to wake Adalind just yet. He laid back down he didn’t put his arm back around her, but he also didn’t pull away. Human contact was a commodity he had very little of as of late. He had been remembering Juliette, that’s why he had pulled Adalind in. At least…that’s what it had to be. But then, Juliette wasn’t the one who had haunted his dreams, and it wasn’t her that was on his mind when he woke.
“I’m sorry, I know this must be hard for you.” Adalind’s voice was soft. Not asleep then, he wondered how long she had been awake. “I’m sure you miss her. Rosalee told me what happened, what you did for her. I know I contributed to how it ended. I’m sorry, I wish I could do something to change that.”
He should be angry, he should tell her that she damn well should be sorry. She had been integral in ending his relationship, in hurting his friends. But he didn’t feel angry, he had resigned himself to what had happened.*
“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault,” he said, the thing of it was that it was true, not just comforting lies to make Adalind, or himself, feel better. “I think I wanted to blame you in the beginning. It was easier that way, to pretend there was another way it could have ended with Juliette. But it was no one’s fault. What I am now, what this life entails, it never would have been safe for her. My aunt was right, he only way to protect her was to let her go. I wish it could have been different, but there was no way she could have accepted what I am now.”
There was silence after that. There was nothing more to say. He thought Adalind wasn’t going to respond.
“I know Rosalee said my memory would come back eventually, but what if I don’t want to remember? I don’t know if I want to be the person I was. From what everyone says, I’m not sure I want to be that person again.” Her voice was empty and he couldn’t deny the thought had occurred to him too. He had wondered if there was a way to ensure Adalind never remember who she was. She was different like this, gentler, kinder. He wondered what it would be like to see her back to her old self.
“The way you are now, I think that means there was always some goodness in you. I wouldn’t have believed that until now. But I think there was always some part of you that was capable of good, even if you didn’t let that side of you show.”
“I hope your right.”
He hoped that too. He wanted to believe he was right. But there was no way to be sure, they would just have to wait and see what came.
**************************************
She opened the top drawer of the dresser and began putting her clothes in. Nick went down to get the rest of things. He wondered about what he was doing. Adalind was someone who, not that long ago, had tried to kill him. And now he was not only protecting her, he was helping her settle into his home. Maybe this was a mistake. Even without her memories she was still Adalind, she was still the same person who had done all those things. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He wanted to tell her to get out, that she was on her own. But he knew he couldn’t do that. She was the same person that tried to kill him, that hurt so many. But the way she was now, it was hard to believe. He thought about what Rosalee had said, that everyone deserved a second chance. Seeing Adalind like this gave him the glimmer of hope that she might be right. Maybe Adalind was different. He wasn’t sure he could save her from herself if her memories returned, but he could keep her safe until that time.
When he entered the spare room Adalind looked up, looking guilty as she set something down. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to snoop. But it was in the drawer…” She trailed off as he walked over to where she stood, picking up the picture she had set down. It was him and Juliette together, back when they were happy. He remembered that day. The picture had been taken at a friend’s party, everything had seemed so simple then. It made his gut twist with pain as he remembered how oblivious he had been to what was to come.
“Who is she?” Adalind’s voice was quiet, as if she wasn’t sure she could ask him.
“That’s Juliette, we were together back then, we used to share this house. But that was a long time ago. At least, it feels like a long time.” The house had felt empty since she had left and sometimes it felt like it had been an eternity since her presence filled the space.
“What happened?” Adalind was watching him and he set the picture down, picture side down so he didn’t have to see it anymore.
“After my Aunt came to visit and told me what I was, she told me that I needed to end things with Juliette. I fought it at first, but the more I came to terms with being a Grimm, the more I knew she was right. Being what I am is dangerous and I wanted to tell Juliette everything. But the more I understood the more I saw that I was just putting Juliette in danger, there was no escaping that. I ended it with her. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was the only way to keep her safe.” She had taken it better than he had expected, or at least her reaction had been different than he had anticipated. She hadn’t been angry or lashed out. She just looked sad and told him that she hoped one day he found someone he could be happy with, even if it wasn’t her. He could see he had broken her heart and it had killed him to see the pain he caused her. But on some level he knew, even now, that he had made the right choice for both of them. It was the way it had to be.
“Still, as painful as it was, I know it was for the best,” he continued, “she’s happy now. She moved in with her sister for a while, but now she’s settled into a new place. She could never have a normal life with me and I could never live with myself if anything happened to her.”
“I don’t think I understand,” The confusion was evident in Adalind’s voice, “What’s a Grimm?”
Nick had been so caught up in his story that he had forgotten Adalind no longer knew anything about Wessen or Grimms. This should be an awkward conversation.
*************************************
End**
“When did you start remembering?” Nick asked and Adalind looked up sharply at the question. She hesitated before answering and for a moment he thought she was going to try and deny it.
“It started gradually. I started remembering bits and pieces. Little things that had no connection, a stuffed animal I carried around as a child, or walking through a field of flowers. They were just little memories that had no real significance. Then they started to get clearer, I started having dreams about places I’d been and people I’d known. Once it started it the memories began to come back more quickly. It was as if a small crack in a wall had led way to everything crumbling down. By the time I remembered who I was, I also remembered everything I had done. I wanted to tell you, I thought about it. I know it was selfish to keep pretending, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was scared of what would happen when I did.”
“You thought I would hurt you?” It wasn’t a question, he knew it was a reasonable fear. He had hurt her after all, no matter how justified it had been he had killed a part of her. He could blame her for being afraid of him. But there was still a part of him that felt sick at the idea. He didn’t want Adalind to be afraid of him. There was a time he wanted that, for her to see him as the Grimm she should fear. But now he hated the idea of her seeing him like a monster.
“I thought it was a possibility. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. And I know what I did to Hank. I was afraid of what you would do to me if you knew I was back to being me again. But you know the most twisted part, I think more than that I was afraid of losing you. People haven’t been kind to me. I learned early on not to trust anyone, those closest to me are always those in the best position to try and manipulate me. But despite everything I did, you took me in, you were willing to protect me. I don’t deserve what you did for me, but I still can’t stand the thought of losing it. I can’t imagine my life without you in it.” There was a sad resignation in her voice, as if she had already given up on any possibility of a happy outcome.
There was a beat of silence and Adalind took a step towards him and looked like she was about to say something, then she shook her head and stepped back. “I’ll get my stuff and leave. I appreciate all you’ve done for me and if you ever find yourself needing something in return, you know where to find me.” She turned to go up the stairs but he grabbed her arm in a grip that was firm but not painful.
“Do you really think that’s why I helped you? So you’d owe me?”
“Of course not, Nick. You’re too good for that. You’re the knight in shining armor that comes to save the princess from the evil monster. But we both know I’m no princess and now that I’m not in danger anymore you have no reason to keep me around.” Her voice was bitter and her smile twisted. They both knew it was more complicated now. She knew who she was and it was better if she just left.
“I don’t want you to go. Who you were isn’t who you are now.” He could see she was about the argue and cut her off before she could, “even if it is it doesn’t matter. You can make a different choice. You aren’t a hexenbeist anymore, and you said you wished you could make a new choice, not be held back by what you did. I’m giving you that chance. You can start over, with me.”
“Sweet Grimm, you really think I can change? The witch is dead and you can pat yourself on the back for saving me, is that how this works?” Her tone was sarcastic but he could see the desperation behind her mocking.
“You already are different. When you couldn’t remember your past I saw the real you, beneath all the pain and all the hate. That’s who are. And that’s the person I fell in love with.”
**
“What happened to you? Who did this to you, do you remember now?”
“I do. I’ve made a lot of enemies over the years. But no one ever hated me more than I hated myself. After you took away my powers I tried to go home but mother and Sean wanted nothing to do with me. If I wasn’t a hexenbeist I wasn’t of value anymore. I had lost everything and I just wanted the pain to stop. I found a spell that was supposed to take away all my pain. I didn’t know exactly what it would do, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was making the emptiness go away. I mixed it up and took it without a moment of hesitation. And when I woke up, I suppose it worked. I didn’t feel empty anymore. Everything that had hurt me was gone, at least I didn’t remember it. I didn’t appreciate it then, but it made everything so much simpler. I had been wiped away clean and reborn new.