It has been a while.....
Over two years ago I decided to stop writing in this, just because of high school drama and all that bullshit. Who would have known that two years later, through deaths, graduations, break-ups, and partying, all I want to do is write. Expression of feelings seems to be almost far-fetched, I feel trapped in my own thoughts. Everything seems to be crashing down at once and all I want to do is scream. I'm just a fucked up girl looking for her own piece of mind and lately I can't find it.
So much has happened, I don't even know where to start releasing. I know all the underlying issues of my so-called life is what makes living so hard, sometimes I feel as if I have Laurens survivor guilt. A bold statement I know, but it really bothers me, how someone like me, who takes everything for granted and lives life somewhat on the edge can live, while someone who had her entire life together and was the most amazing person I have ever met, can be taken away. She never saw graduation and she never got to see the classes that I go to everyday, which I think is sometimes why I hate college so much, I literally HATE it. I hate going there, I hate doing the work, and I hate everyone around me there. Stop, don't think I'm just lazy, it's just disgusting to me, knowing that someone who really deserved it and would fulfill her every dream there, can't even experience it. I miss Julie soo much, and really I may not comment her myspace her everyday, or go to her grave, and sometimes I don't really even consciously think about her, but unconsciously and even in my stomach, I can feel sense of loss without her.
After losing Julie, I kind of just fucked life up. I didn't try really hard my first couple of semesters, which really messed me up, and then Joe and I broke up for good and things just kept stampeding downhill. Some things would become a little easier while other things got harder. The loss of Joe really hit me though, I went from having my life practically all planned out to having the person I loved most, tell me I was worthless. I knew nothing of the world, I only knew what Joe wanted me to, with little pieces of life information picked up on the way. I never got to be a teenager, I only got to be Joe's doll. Now don't get me wrong, as of now I look back and see how without Joe things in my life would probably be a lot worse, but I would have liked to be me, and not what Joe wanted me to be. Overall I guess I just want to leave Joe completely in my past and just say sorry for everything, really everything... even meeting him.
Nowadays I work at Outback Steakhouse, which is a drag. I am dating this kid Brandon, who I must say, keeps a smile on my face and my heart fluttering. I'm an Aunt to Chetty<3 who also always makes me smile, and for a while there kept me going, he's turning 2 in December =). my mom and I moved back over to our old apartment in Worcester, which gives me a sense of stability, just cause we lived here for so long. Eric and my sister both have their own apartments, which relieves a lot of stress, but my mom and I have our own issues. I am going to start going to a psychiatrist soon, I was going to a counselor for a while there, but I need to be on medication. I have really bad anxiety, anger issues, and I'm pretty sure I'm bi-polar. I just wish I knew how to deal with things, my life I think would run a lot smoother if I didn't get so angry so quickly. I cry a lot, but it's not cause I'm sad, it's because I'm frustrated with what I can't deal with. You can call me a crybaby, but it's like I can either take my frustrations out by crying or by becoming violent, and I'm sure we all know the better way to go.
Well, that got out a good amount of stress. until next time<3
So much has happened, I don't even know where to start releasing. I know all the underlying issues of my so-called life is what makes living so hard, sometimes I feel as if I have Laurens survivor guilt. A bold statement I know, but it really bothers me, how someone like me, who takes everything for granted and lives life somewhat on the edge can live, while someone who had her entire life together and was the most amazing person I have ever met, can be taken away. She never saw graduation and she never got to see the classes that I go to everyday, which I think is sometimes why I hate college so much, I literally HATE it. I hate going there, I hate doing the work, and I hate everyone around me there. Stop, don't think I'm just lazy, it's just disgusting to me, knowing that someone who really deserved it and would fulfill her every dream there, can't even experience it. I miss Julie soo much, and really I may not comment her myspace her everyday, or go to her grave, and sometimes I don't really even consciously think about her, but unconsciously and even in my stomach, I can feel sense of loss without her.
After losing Julie, I kind of just fucked life up. I didn't try really hard my first couple of semesters, which really messed me up, and then Joe and I broke up for good and things just kept stampeding downhill. Some things would become a little easier while other things got harder. The loss of Joe really hit me though, I went from having my life practically all planned out to having the person I loved most, tell me I was worthless. I knew nothing of the world, I only knew what Joe wanted me to, with little pieces of life information picked up on the way. I never got to be a teenager, I only got to be Joe's doll. Now don't get me wrong, as of now I look back and see how without Joe things in my life would probably be a lot worse, but I would have liked to be me, and not what Joe wanted me to be. Overall I guess I just want to leave Joe completely in my past and just say sorry for everything, really everything... even meeting him.
Nowadays I work at Outback Steakhouse, which is a drag. I am dating this kid Brandon, who I must say, keeps a smile on my face and my heart fluttering. I'm an Aunt to Chetty<3 who also always makes me smile, and for a while there kept me going, he's turning 2 in December =). my mom and I moved back over to our old apartment in Worcester, which gives me a sense of stability, just cause we lived here for so long. Eric and my sister both have their own apartments, which relieves a lot of stress, but my mom and I have our own issues. I am going to start going to a psychiatrist soon, I was going to a counselor for a while there, but I need to be on medication. I have really bad anxiety, anger issues, and I'm pretty sure I'm bi-polar. I just wish I knew how to deal with things, my life I think would run a lot smoother if I didn't get so angry so quickly. I cry a lot, but it's not cause I'm sad, it's because I'm frustrated with what I can't deal with. You can call me a crybaby, but it's like I can either take my frustrations out by crying or by becoming violent, and I'm sure we all know the better way to go.
Well, that got out a good amount of stress. until next time<3