Scars
Originally published at Postcards from the Wasteland. Please leave any comments there.
The deeper ones are on the inside, of course.
But here I sit, naked, and staring at myself in a new light. I weighed today, and realized that even after a couple months of “eating badly”, I’m still stabilized at 119 lbs. Portion control, I guess. I have a SLIGHT amount of loose skin on my arms, but not really the lunchlady look. My stomach, though, is where I am still pretty displeased. I know I will need the tummy tuck, but until then, I still have what, to me, feels like fat. Of course, I can see the skin rippling and buckling around it, so I know it isn’t just fat, but it is frustrating.
My chest-I’ve always had the stretch marks along the side, and sagged, but now, there’s so little filling the skin that I hate my tits. Which I always considered my best feature. The markings on my stomach from the laparoscopic surgery aren’t that bad. “the boy” was right about how that would be. Oddly, I can now SEE the scar in my navel from my tubal.
But the real scars, as I stated, aren’t the physical ones. When talking to Rachel, she said, “He needs to move soon, or he’ll lose you.” What she doesn’t realize is that I don’t WANT anyone but him. In fact, getting “that sort” of attention from guys terrifies me. Which may explain why falling in love with him was so easy for me.
My thighs were never an issue, but I can see the skin there. My butt? Well, there’s a little skin there, but it doesn’t seem as flat as it always was, so I guess that’s a plus. I don’t know, I don’t want anyone to see me naked but him, anyway. And I remember how afraid of THAT I was when we first hooked up. After all, I wasn’t exactly CUTE outside of my clothes. Still not, to be honest.
And the veins. I feel like I’ve aged myself, because I have prominent veins all over. Sometimes I wish I could make my entire body melt away inside this skin. And that’s when I get into dangerous mental territory.