feelings, hate, love and more.
today was a fucked up day
i went to work early for our meeting at 2pm in camarillo.
go to oxnard for my double duty with sean. i'm there at like 6pm when all of the sudden I see Trista renting a car from budget. My heart goes crazy, i feel shocked and flooded with emotions. I don't get it. She knows i've been working there, I asked how come she didn't say something, let alone how did she not see me? anyways. I didn't really know how to act, i played it very reserve and let her do her thing. we were cordial and friendly. but really it felt like i was ripping open a scab. it was wierd, I walked out with her to the car she was renting we looked it over and then she peaced out pretty quick. I guess I don't know what I really expected. a large part of me is over it and knows I need to move on. Another part of me feels like there was no real closure. i feel so confused and up yet down. i have moments of real happiness and lightness I haven't felt in a long time, followed by crushing emotions of gravity. I am not sure what I really expect, is this all just feelings of lack of control of my life? I don't know. I feel overwhelmed. I seek friends, yet i relent to give them time because they trigger other feelings.
tonight I got so fucking sick and tired of brandon saying "faggot downsyndrome blah blah blah" to/about people in dota2. I am so fed up with his negativity. I feel like i've been the harbor that these ships of doom and gloom can anchor and then shore up on. I want to be the gentle giant I feel I am inside. I feel like I get jaded, and then I feel upset that I get that way, by way I mean I feel offended. But the truth is that I have a limited amount of social contact. I really need that bit of social contact to be truly uplifting, bolstering, growth fostering love. I get that sometimes from brandon, but then he has these outburts of spew and hatred like the sun burping a solar flare. I cannot handle that. It's unchecked aggression, it's a lack of self-control on emotions, and the complete lack of refinedness in the person I used to know. I don't know what's happened to him, other than it's depression manifesting itself in the form of outbursts.
I hope maybe spend time with Kate in 2 weeks time for a trip up to Gorman. To go ride and have fun, get away, have a camp fire hopefully and really just 'be'. I don't want anything, don't need anything, in some sense it's just a comfortable spot that I can feel a bit of home, home to some memories, emotions, and common ground.
I am supposed to apply for ATC tomorrow and finish up that application. I am nervous. The thought is outrageous that it could happen. I don't feel as sharp as I used to. I let my knife go dull, my brain is soft. I know that in order to sharpen that shit up, I have to set fire to the fat. fat burns well right? exercise, get the fire hot, let the hard wax melt, let the oil drip off, until it is nothing but the carbon that frames it up. I need to let it go. I want to get into ATC. It would be astounding to reach that chapter of life.
mom would be so proud.
it is scary because the thought of washing out. the principle of all the steps involved. but the pay off is huge. it keeps me in aviation, it affords me a lot of things that I want in life, minus weed. I don't know how that will pan out. It is such a conflicting thing for me. I wish, I really wish I had some magical third option, but I suppose that is my fault for not really persuing it. I'm nearly 33 years old, less than a month to go. I guess I could be aligned for that option in the next 4 years or less if I put myself to it. But in the next 4 years, I really want to be in love. I want a family. But more so over, I really, really, really fucking want a wife who is my best friend. I want a lover, I want someone who feels the same way back, who - while wants kids, understands that our happiness is what sets the foundation for our children to grow on. it's tough. life's tough. and it fucks with me. just have to stick to some basics.
i need to lose weight. I need to keep exercising, but right now, I really need to just crank out some good old fashion fuck my life diet/crash/fast habit change. Can't let this old rickety boney body hold me down. I have to show it that I care. I go in for surgery in less than 40 days. I want to lose 15lbs in 40 days. That is tough, but it basically happened when I was sick. Eat healthy, small portions, exercise, water. Less alcohol (doing that! no drinking during work week - good job, keep it up).
fuck I gotta pee. brb.
oh yeah and laundry.
i gotta do laundry. hate laundry. despise it like the dentist.
time do measure dick.
i went to work early for our meeting at 2pm in camarillo.
go to oxnard for my double duty with sean. i'm there at like 6pm when all of the sudden I see Trista renting a car from budget. My heart goes crazy, i feel shocked and flooded with emotions. I don't get it. She knows i've been working there, I asked how come she didn't say something, let alone how did she not see me? anyways. I didn't really know how to act, i played it very reserve and let her do her thing. we were cordial and friendly. but really it felt like i was ripping open a scab. it was wierd, I walked out with her to the car she was renting we looked it over and then she peaced out pretty quick. I guess I don't know what I really expected. a large part of me is over it and knows I need to move on. Another part of me feels like there was no real closure. i feel so confused and up yet down. i have moments of real happiness and lightness I haven't felt in a long time, followed by crushing emotions of gravity. I am not sure what I really expect, is this all just feelings of lack of control of my life? I don't know. I feel overwhelmed. I seek friends, yet i relent to give them time because they trigger other feelings.
tonight I got so fucking sick and tired of brandon saying "faggot downsyndrome blah blah blah" to/about people in dota2. I am so fed up with his negativity. I feel like i've been the harbor that these ships of doom and gloom can anchor and then shore up on. I want to be the gentle giant I feel I am inside. I feel like I get jaded, and then I feel upset that I get that way, by way I mean I feel offended. But the truth is that I have a limited amount of social contact. I really need that bit of social contact to be truly uplifting, bolstering, growth fostering love. I get that sometimes from brandon, but then he has these outburts of spew and hatred like the sun burping a solar flare. I cannot handle that. It's unchecked aggression, it's a lack of self-control on emotions, and the complete lack of refinedness in the person I used to know. I don't know what's happened to him, other than it's depression manifesting itself in the form of outbursts.
I hope maybe spend time with Kate in 2 weeks time for a trip up to Gorman. To go ride and have fun, get away, have a camp fire hopefully and really just 'be'. I don't want anything, don't need anything, in some sense it's just a comfortable spot that I can feel a bit of home, home to some memories, emotions, and common ground.
I am supposed to apply for ATC tomorrow and finish up that application. I am nervous. The thought is outrageous that it could happen. I don't feel as sharp as I used to. I let my knife go dull, my brain is soft. I know that in order to sharpen that shit up, I have to set fire to the fat. fat burns well right? exercise, get the fire hot, let the hard wax melt, let the oil drip off, until it is nothing but the carbon that frames it up. I need to let it go. I want to get into ATC. It would be astounding to reach that chapter of life.
mom would be so proud.
it is scary because the thought of washing out. the principle of all the steps involved. but the pay off is huge. it keeps me in aviation, it affords me a lot of things that I want in life, minus weed. I don't know how that will pan out. It is such a conflicting thing for me. I wish, I really wish I had some magical third option, but I suppose that is my fault for not really persuing it. I'm nearly 33 years old, less than a month to go. I guess I could be aligned for that option in the next 4 years or less if I put myself to it. But in the next 4 years, I really want to be in love. I want a family. But more so over, I really, really, really fucking want a wife who is my best friend. I want a lover, I want someone who feels the same way back, who - while wants kids, understands that our happiness is what sets the foundation for our children to grow on. it's tough. life's tough. and it fucks with me. just have to stick to some basics.
i need to lose weight. I need to keep exercising, but right now, I really need to just crank out some good old fashion fuck my life diet/crash/fast habit change. Can't let this old rickety boney body hold me down. I have to show it that I care. I go in for surgery in less than 40 days. I want to lose 15lbs in 40 days. That is tough, but it basically happened when I was sick. Eat healthy, small portions, exercise, water. Less alcohol (doing that! no drinking during work week - good job, keep it up).
fuck I gotta pee. brb.
oh yeah and laundry.
i gotta do laundry. hate laundry. despise it like the dentist.
time do measure dick.