my life
well on wednesday night after pool playoffs which we lost and no one told me the location, trista told me she wanted to take a break. okay, i went with that. that night after i smashed my bong, bowls, through out my grinder and checked myself out of my own prison. after all, the key was in my pocket.
as i sit and relax in my bed, i try and clear my head with pen and paper, tho just keys and clicks, my thoughts and feelings like twigs and sticks broken apart and ready for kindling. i wish I had more control about myself. i think pot really fucked that up. now i'm trying to be real with myself. honest with myself. love my self
as wierd as it was, I gave it all away to the same joy that brought it there in the first place. freedom. when i started smoking pot, it gave me freedom, and outlet into an experience into myself that I had never thought was possible. fastforward, lots of good times but some not so great as what the future may hold. i'm starting to get over the withdrawals that it causes, and since I killed the switch of pot, it opened up the new desperate one towards trista. though realizing that I am probably fighting myself, I know that what is going on is that I'm being needy for pot but subconsicously traded trista in that spot. I wanted things to work with her in the sense that I could provide a foundation that she could really start living her life more and getting a hold of the reigns. she is soo simple that it makes sense that it could work, but so simple that her goal is to be happy, not a goal of how to become happy. that doesn't bode well with me.
weighed out 225 at the gym tonight, did 1x10x90, 1x10x270, 3x10x540 (WOW! my legs are shot now haha giggly jello). my lungs already are healing, smoking hookah doesnt seem as enjoyable as it did once upon a time, its harsh now. 3 weeks until my birthday, i think for my birthday, i'd like to get my medical renewed for first class and then also retake my commercial written test, this time getting 100 percent on it. i will not settle for less. well unless i have to.its been 52 hours since i've blazed it. pretty good goodsell. the gut is shrinking though i still drink, but thats tapered back a lot too.
i hate feeling desperate though, i swaer today i have a couple bouts but the strongest was at 530 at work and i wanted to message her things but i knew something didnt feel solid about it. smoking really felt like it didnt give her a fair chance yet i felt like at the time it slowed me down to her pace. i cant carry someone forever. well not yet at least.
if happiness were free
would it sway like a tree
and catch the wind like a leaf falling
spinning like a child.
if happiness could be bought
maybe only the rich would seek it
the poor always sought it
but the middle man always had it.
if happiness never existed
would pain and anger too?
do you pray to heavenly god or heavenly mother. i'm not sure in this foundation of religion that exists in this modern age where science has heavily prevailed in most explanations that religion stood for in the past. but part of me thinks that was the plan all along.
maybe dead planets are gods failed attempts at creating a harmonious world. cold, dry, freezing, burning hot, disastrous fumes, sure the distance from the sun holds a key in that... but humans seem to fail but also succeed.
last night i dreamt a tooth broke and came out of my mouth. it was a broken tooth that came loose and came out. it was rotted and decayed. scary.
i'm tired. i hope i sleep well and work is rewarding.
as i sit and relax in my bed, i try and clear my head with pen and paper, tho just keys and clicks, my thoughts and feelings like twigs and sticks broken apart and ready for kindling. i wish I had more control about myself. i think pot really fucked that up. now i'm trying to be real with myself. honest with myself. love my self
as wierd as it was, I gave it all away to the same joy that brought it there in the first place. freedom. when i started smoking pot, it gave me freedom, and outlet into an experience into myself that I had never thought was possible. fastforward, lots of good times but some not so great as what the future may hold. i'm starting to get over the withdrawals that it causes, and since I killed the switch of pot, it opened up the new desperate one towards trista. though realizing that I am probably fighting myself, I know that what is going on is that I'm being needy for pot but subconsicously traded trista in that spot. I wanted things to work with her in the sense that I could provide a foundation that she could really start living her life more and getting a hold of the reigns. she is soo simple that it makes sense that it could work, but so simple that her goal is to be happy, not a goal of how to become happy. that doesn't bode well with me.
weighed out 225 at the gym tonight, did 1x10x90, 1x10x270, 3x10x540 (WOW! my legs are shot now haha giggly jello). my lungs already are healing, smoking hookah doesnt seem as enjoyable as it did once upon a time, its harsh now. 3 weeks until my birthday, i think for my birthday, i'd like to get my medical renewed for first class and then also retake my commercial written test, this time getting 100 percent on it. i will not settle for less. well unless i have to.its been 52 hours since i've blazed it. pretty good goodsell. the gut is shrinking though i still drink, but thats tapered back a lot too.
i hate feeling desperate though, i swaer today i have a couple bouts but the strongest was at 530 at work and i wanted to message her things but i knew something didnt feel solid about it. smoking really felt like it didnt give her a fair chance yet i felt like at the time it slowed me down to her pace. i cant carry someone forever. well not yet at least.
if happiness were free
would it sway like a tree
and catch the wind like a leaf falling
spinning like a child.
if happiness could be bought
maybe only the rich would seek it
the poor always sought it
but the middle man always had it.
if happiness never existed
would pain and anger too?
do you pray to heavenly god or heavenly mother. i'm not sure in this foundation of religion that exists in this modern age where science has heavily prevailed in most explanations that religion stood for in the past. but part of me thinks that was the plan all along.
maybe dead planets are gods failed attempts at creating a harmonious world. cold, dry, freezing, burning hot, disastrous fumes, sure the distance from the sun holds a key in that... but humans seem to fail but also succeed.
last night i dreamt a tooth broke and came out of my mouth. it was a broken tooth that came loose and came out. it was rotted and decayed. scary.
i'm tired. i hope i sleep well and work is rewarding.