Reasons To Tell, Excuses To Hold Hands With....
Reasons To Tell, Excuses To Hold Hands With.....
Allow me to start out by starting this piece of motivation with a recent happening. It never ends up well for me anymore. No matter how hard I try...it always ends up that I get hurt. Liking someone for a while isnt worth anything unless you say it, but I'm terrified of being hurt again, therefore I tend to shut myself out. I shouldnt do that. I cant do that..anymore, because if I continue then it will end up like tonight did. I can be happy for him if he's honestly happy, but otherwise I'm in complete agony..a type of shock. Who knows maybe I will always have to be in this agony because for some reason I cant do anything right. I guess that almost 4 months means nothing to that person if you dont vocalize that emotion to them in time. Dont delay yourself what you could have. Otherwise it ends up like christmas shopping, they never have what you want, they always run out of what you needed on your wishlist..and then all you have is nothing or an off-brand of the real thing. I dont accept the off-brands, so I guess that it will be nothing at all now. Think about it...if I could have acted like 30 minutes previous to the time that i did act..I could have. But I didnt. He doesnt really know. Those reassuring words...I didnt hear them. Why cant I be good enough for anyone? It seems almost like a romance novel (my life) but I will always end up like Scarlett O'Hara...alone because I screw up everyones chance with me because I cant say that I care in time to be given a chance. Maybe the chance will arise but I very much doubt that he would care. Why couldnt I have said something sooner? It could make all the difference. Why couldnt he have said something sooner? I cant answer that, I cant even answer mine because I dont know. All I know is that I was going to tell him tonight...I did but that went horrible. I knew that I was going to tell him tonight last Tuesday. The reason I didnt then was because I wasnt sure that he could even care for someone like me. I see myself as a horrible person. Wont you hold me now? This is one of the first entries in a long while that I have actually expressed whats wrong with me. I liked him last year at this time and he was soon taken then. And it happens again. why? why? why? It doesnt seem fair. But life isnt supposed to be fair, although it seems that everyone else gets what they need, and I never do. I promise this wasnt lust. I know it wasnt but this entry from this livejournal will suddenly be pointless. He wont care. Although I still will. Tonight was going well until I came to truths. I wish that I could go back and fix it Oh so well. But hes happy. "hard luck you've been trying to tame". I dont know anymore. Its like I'm supposed to be lonely forever. Why cant I have someone who cares like everyone else?
Walking on that silent pavement path to the car was probably the most memorable time during the night. Mainly because it was outlined in tears instead of the old, yellow paint. It took forever to get to the car, and even longer to get home, and it took the longest time to figure out how to do this. First, I thought of going back to the way I used to handle this stuff, my hobby for over a year. The way to release everything with only cuts. But then I decided to do this because then I wouldnt have to be completely paranoid about my trips to the conselers office. I wish...but its Oh so far out of reach now. The chance has passed and I cant fix anything, not myself, not any of the decisions and actions that happened tonight. All I have left to do is cry.
-hannah.
Allow me to start out by starting this piece of motivation with a recent happening. It never ends up well for me anymore. No matter how hard I try...it always ends up that I get hurt. Liking someone for a while isnt worth anything unless you say it, but I'm terrified of being hurt again, therefore I tend to shut myself out. I shouldnt do that. I cant do that..anymore, because if I continue then it will end up like tonight did. I can be happy for him if he's honestly happy, but otherwise I'm in complete agony..a type of shock. Who knows maybe I will always have to be in this agony because for some reason I cant do anything right. I guess that almost 4 months means nothing to that person if you dont vocalize that emotion to them in time. Dont delay yourself what you could have. Otherwise it ends up like christmas shopping, they never have what you want, they always run out of what you needed on your wishlist..and then all you have is nothing or an off-brand of the real thing. I dont accept the off-brands, so I guess that it will be nothing at all now. Think about it...if I could have acted like 30 minutes previous to the time that i did act..I could have. But I didnt. He doesnt really know. Those reassuring words...I didnt hear them. Why cant I be good enough for anyone? It seems almost like a romance novel (my life) but I will always end up like Scarlett O'Hara...alone because I screw up everyones chance with me because I cant say that I care in time to be given a chance. Maybe the chance will arise but I very much doubt that he would care. Why couldnt I have said something sooner? It could make all the difference. Why couldnt he have said something sooner? I cant answer that, I cant even answer mine because I dont know. All I know is that I was going to tell him tonight...I did but that went horrible. I knew that I was going to tell him tonight last Tuesday. The reason I didnt then was because I wasnt sure that he could even care for someone like me. I see myself as a horrible person. Wont you hold me now? This is one of the first entries in a long while that I have actually expressed whats wrong with me. I liked him last year at this time and he was soon taken then. And it happens again. why? why? why? It doesnt seem fair. But life isnt supposed to be fair, although it seems that everyone else gets what they need, and I never do. I promise this wasnt lust. I know it wasnt but this entry from this livejournal will suddenly be pointless. He wont care. Although I still will. Tonight was going well until I came to truths. I wish that I could go back and fix it Oh so well. But hes happy. "hard luck you've been trying to tame". I dont know anymore. Its like I'm supposed to be lonely forever. Why cant I have someone who cares like everyone else?
Walking on that silent pavement path to the car was probably the most memorable time during the night. Mainly because it was outlined in tears instead of the old, yellow paint. It took forever to get to the car, and even longer to get home, and it took the longest time to figure out how to do this. First, I thought of going back to the way I used to handle this stuff, my hobby for over a year. The way to release everything with only cuts. But then I decided to do this because then I wouldnt have to be completely paranoid about my trips to the conselers office. I wish...but its Oh so far out of reach now. The chance has passed and I cant fix anything, not myself, not any of the decisions and actions that happened tonight. All I have left to do is cry.
-hannah.