I stopped
I stopped writing?
Why did I stop writing? It didn't matter if it was wrong or crude, or embarrassing. Why? My memory fails me already, even in my mid twenties there are details I've forgotten, critical details I should have remembered but wouldn't have if I hadn't have written them down?
I've re-found this "blog" and become nostalgic in the memory of posts I'd forgotten I'd written once upon a time. It's fueled my mind and now I sit here at 41 minutes passed 1 in the morning yearning for the past, a past I didn't even really enjoy when I was living it. Isn't that the case? You never realize how good something was until it's too late, until it's just a memory, and it's what I'm doing now. I have something good, something sooo good, and it's lying in the bedroom next to me alone, waiting, but I'm here typing away instead. My problem is I question how good it is. Or worse that I deserve it? I do, I do deserve it. ... and then the most vein and horrible question pops into my head. "But does it deserve me?" Of course it does! Why even ask that? The fact that you are means you're not good enough for them, you're bored, bored with the normal, because that's the problem, normal, happy, is boring.
I've never purposely screwed up anything in my life, especially something good, so why now? Why yern for silly things I don't really want when I have something so good? "Because you're bored" Why can't I be content with bored then? What I wouldn't give just to be content with bored, this bored is good, it's stable, I've yearned for stable my whole life!! Please don't screw this up. Stable is good, stable is what you need.....
Is it though? Is it what I need? I need adventure, I've always had adventure? I needed him to want adventure with me? That was the deal, he knew this? So why? Why is there no adventure? I thought that's why he fell for me? Because I pushed him for adventure? I brought out that side of both of us? I feel coddled, which I never felt before in his presence. I felt free, he truly freed me and somehow captured me at the same time. I want him so much still, even though he is "mine" but he's not, he's "boring" .... I love him, till it aches, but he's not him anymore... he's grown comfortable, which is fine, but I want to be adventurously comfortable and he, he wants?... what does he want? Nothing, there is no future plans, he doesn't make any, he now does the same thing every day, every week, every year, not even caring of the outcome. I can't do that, I need change!? I don't want the same, every day, every month, every year, I want him, him kissing me like it's the first time every time, him planning adventures like there isn't time left, him growing with me, not staying the same? Life grows, all life grows, nothing stops until it's dead. Don't die on me while you're still living? I need you, I need you to need me. I want to be yours, I want you to want me to still be yours. I know you probably do still think of me that way but you don't express it the way you use to. I need the passion that came with out love, the passion I never felt with anyone else but you and still don't. I want to be just yours and I want you to want me to be just yours. To hunger me as much as you respect me. I'm not asking for something that wasn't already there, I'm asking for it to come back? Before you lose me.... I don't want to be forgotten by you, anyone else but you. No one else ever looked at me the way you did, but now even you don't look at me that way and I hope that doesn't mean what I dread that it means. Because I never stopped loving you.
Why did I stop writing? It didn't matter if it was wrong or crude, or embarrassing. Why? My memory fails me already, even in my mid twenties there are details I've forgotten, critical details I should have remembered but wouldn't have if I hadn't have written them down?
I've re-found this "blog" and become nostalgic in the memory of posts I'd forgotten I'd written once upon a time. It's fueled my mind and now I sit here at 41 minutes passed 1 in the morning yearning for the past, a past I didn't even really enjoy when I was living it. Isn't that the case? You never realize how good something was until it's too late, until it's just a memory, and it's what I'm doing now. I have something good, something sooo good, and it's lying in the bedroom next to me alone, waiting, but I'm here typing away instead. My problem is I question how good it is. Or worse that I deserve it? I do, I do deserve it. ... and then the most vein and horrible question pops into my head. "But does it deserve me?" Of course it does! Why even ask that? The fact that you are means you're not good enough for them, you're bored, bored with the normal, because that's the problem, normal, happy, is boring.
I've never purposely screwed up anything in my life, especially something good, so why now? Why yern for silly things I don't really want when I have something so good? "Because you're bored" Why can't I be content with bored then? What I wouldn't give just to be content with bored, this bored is good, it's stable, I've yearned for stable my whole life!! Please don't screw this up. Stable is good, stable is what you need.....
Is it though? Is it what I need? I need adventure, I've always had adventure? I needed him to want adventure with me? That was the deal, he knew this? So why? Why is there no adventure? I thought that's why he fell for me? Because I pushed him for adventure? I brought out that side of both of us? I feel coddled, which I never felt before in his presence. I felt free, he truly freed me and somehow captured me at the same time. I want him so much still, even though he is "mine" but he's not, he's "boring" .... I love him, till it aches, but he's not him anymore... he's grown comfortable, which is fine, but I want to be adventurously comfortable and he, he wants?... what does he want? Nothing, there is no future plans, he doesn't make any, he now does the same thing every day, every week, every year, not even caring of the outcome. I can't do that, I need change!? I don't want the same, every day, every month, every year, I want him, him kissing me like it's the first time every time, him planning adventures like there isn't time left, him growing with me, not staying the same? Life grows, all life grows, nothing stops until it's dead. Don't die on me while you're still living? I need you, I need you to need me. I want to be yours, I want you to want me to still be yours. I know you probably do still think of me that way but you don't express it the way you use to. I need the passion that came with out love, the passion I never felt with anyone else but you and still don't. I want to be just yours and I want you to want me to be just yours. To hunger me as much as you respect me. I'm not asking for something that wasn't already there, I'm asking for it to come back? Before you lose me.... I don't want to be forgotten by you, anyone else but you. No one else ever looked at me the way you did, but now even you don't look at me that way and I hope that doesn't mean what I dread that it means. Because I never stopped loving you.