What..... am I capable of?
Those of you who know me, know I seem to have a problem with women.
Let's see here, let me make a small list (I say small list cause it's really not all that large)
I've had only 2 girlfriends. One is Brittany, the other one is Beth. Their both wonderful people, but I guess it's not really meant to be with either of them for one reason or another. Brittany mainly because I came to the realization that I only truely wanted her as a friend rather than someone I would marry in the future and decided that continuing the relationship with her would be completely unfair to her. However, that was highly emotional.
My next was Beth (or Elizabeth if your an anal retentive asshole) she is a wonderful person and I generally believe that the reason this relationship failed due to many different reasons. One reason being that breaking up with Brittany had a much deeper and longer strain on my sanity and life than I had originally believed it would. Another reason is that she had never really gotten over her first love, Graham. Another reason past that would be that she wasn't done with the part of her life that would be experimentation. Another reason past that is that Graham uses her love of him to use her... and I had almost had enough of that. I also feel highly betrayed by this man for information that I only learned the other day. Not to mention that even after everything he put me through, he had the balls to call me up and ask for help. I dont know what's worse, the fact that he asked or the fact that I gave it to him :(. Of course, this was before I learned what I had a couple days ago. Needless to say, the passion was there, the love was there, the timing was horribly off.
After all that I decided I was done for a while, but of course I can't do that, instead there was another girl who basically decided to cheer me up. Chris, she is a wonderful and highly determined person. She managed to cheer me up, I also started to fall for her.. and I mean fall hard. I've liked her for a long time, this wasn't something that just came out of the blue, I guess overall I just over reacted to it all :(. I found this out of course by telling her how I felt, only to find the feelings were not reciprocated the way I wanted them to. so I did something.. I dont know how or why I did it, but somehow I managed to act relieved and glad that was the case... it felt like I stabbed a knife through my own heart and twisted it for pleasure. I think it's becuase I was afraid to lose her as a friend like I lost Beth... I wouldn't be able to stand losing a second person that I thought was truely wonderful and managed to brighten each day. Well, anyway, since then I've managed to hide my feelings for her with a fairly good mask... I wont lie, theres cracks in it, but hey, it hurts to wear okay?
on to another person that almost would have been a girlfriend but didn't, Sarah. Sarah... was an interesting person to say the least. I almost swear that she wanted me to call her a bad girl... (err.. no we didn't have sex or anything like that if that's what you thought by that sentence... thank god.)She was someone that liked to play a lot of mind games, made me think back and truely appreciate Brittany Beth and Chris. Anyway, Sarah was nice, but she had a fiance, and was supposedly about to leave him for me after only a few weeks of talking with me and what not... this does not show well of her morals and would more than likely do the same type of thing to me somewhere down the line.
lets see here, ooo! this is where I get to bring in Monique, Monique is another person I met at work and I cant believe it but I may be able to succeed in keeping her in my friends rather than attempted girlfriend category!!! Believe it or not this is a substantial step up for me. Let me explain why, I have come to a realization. I think that I now know why I have never been able to do anything but fall in love with a girl I know. The reason being I basically spent about 19 years of my life without almost any interaction to the opposite sex. I also had absolutely 0 female friends growing up, the closest person I had to a female friend was someone in gradeschool that moved immediately after we started hanging out. then the first girl I really started hanging out with was my first girlfriend Brittany, needless to say I had no experience with this or knowledge of what to do. This puts me at a serious disadvantage, I have been trying to change my outlook on this. Mainly because I realize it is skewed a little.
Anyway, now that you've learned a little bit of history, on to why I'm depressed and drained. Chris, I still can't get her off of my mind, I dont want her as just a friend, this I know for a fact. At the same time, I know I dont want her to not be my friend. sometimes I cant tell whether or not she would like me to try going out with her or not, I'm trying to look into this whole dating process thing, I dont understand it. She does hit on me every once and a while, I know she likes me, I just dont know to what degree, I do know I look at her with regret and I dont want to anymore, which leaves me only a couple of options. She does keep saying that she doesn't understand the dating process either and that she would like to learn about it. I've just been agreeing with her with mutual understanding. However, for some reason I'm starting to look at this as a sign... am i alone in this? Oh well, from what it sounds like she may be trying to date someone from one of her old jobs named miles, and in my head is complete depression and despair accompanied by a little image of a voice saying "too late" and then moments later that voice is skewered to the wall by a sword bearing image that says "It's only too late if you admit defeat without trying." I dont know what to do, I want to so badly, but I keep feeling like I dont have anything to offer... I want to fix that. I'm trying to recover my mentality with renewed vigor while at the same time I'm trying to beat off depression. Anyway, I guess I'm done with this entry now, I have to work in 5 hours, goodnight/morning
Let's see here, let me make a small list (I say small list cause it's really not all that large)
I've had only 2 girlfriends. One is Brittany, the other one is Beth. Their both wonderful people, but I guess it's not really meant to be with either of them for one reason or another. Brittany mainly because I came to the realization that I only truely wanted her as a friend rather than someone I would marry in the future and decided that continuing the relationship with her would be completely unfair to her. However, that was highly emotional.
My next was Beth (or Elizabeth if your an anal retentive asshole) she is a wonderful person and I generally believe that the reason this relationship failed due to many different reasons. One reason being that breaking up with Brittany had a much deeper and longer strain on my sanity and life than I had originally believed it would. Another reason is that she had never really gotten over her first love, Graham. Another reason past that would be that she wasn't done with the part of her life that would be experimentation. Another reason past that is that Graham uses her love of him to use her... and I had almost had enough of that. I also feel highly betrayed by this man for information that I only learned the other day. Not to mention that even after everything he put me through, he had the balls to call me up and ask for help. I dont know what's worse, the fact that he asked or the fact that I gave it to him :(. Of course, this was before I learned what I had a couple days ago. Needless to say, the passion was there, the love was there, the timing was horribly off.
After all that I decided I was done for a while, but of course I can't do that, instead there was another girl who basically decided to cheer me up. Chris, she is a wonderful and highly determined person. She managed to cheer me up, I also started to fall for her.. and I mean fall hard. I've liked her for a long time, this wasn't something that just came out of the blue, I guess overall I just over reacted to it all :(. I found this out of course by telling her how I felt, only to find the feelings were not reciprocated the way I wanted them to. so I did something.. I dont know how or why I did it, but somehow I managed to act relieved and glad that was the case... it felt like I stabbed a knife through my own heart and twisted it for pleasure. I think it's becuase I was afraid to lose her as a friend like I lost Beth... I wouldn't be able to stand losing a second person that I thought was truely wonderful and managed to brighten each day. Well, anyway, since then I've managed to hide my feelings for her with a fairly good mask... I wont lie, theres cracks in it, but hey, it hurts to wear okay?
on to another person that almost would have been a girlfriend but didn't, Sarah. Sarah... was an interesting person to say the least. I almost swear that she wanted me to call her a bad girl... (err.. no we didn't have sex or anything like that if that's what you thought by that sentence... thank god.)She was someone that liked to play a lot of mind games, made me think back and truely appreciate Brittany Beth and Chris. Anyway, Sarah was nice, but she had a fiance, and was supposedly about to leave him for me after only a few weeks of talking with me and what not... this does not show well of her morals and would more than likely do the same type of thing to me somewhere down the line.
lets see here, ooo! this is where I get to bring in Monique, Monique is another person I met at work and I cant believe it but I may be able to succeed in keeping her in my friends rather than attempted girlfriend category!!! Believe it or not this is a substantial step up for me. Let me explain why, I have come to a realization. I think that I now know why I have never been able to do anything but fall in love with a girl I know. The reason being I basically spent about 19 years of my life without almost any interaction to the opposite sex. I also had absolutely 0 female friends growing up, the closest person I had to a female friend was someone in gradeschool that moved immediately after we started hanging out. then the first girl I really started hanging out with was my first girlfriend Brittany, needless to say I had no experience with this or knowledge of what to do. This puts me at a serious disadvantage, I have been trying to change my outlook on this. Mainly because I realize it is skewed a little.
Anyway, now that you've learned a little bit of history, on to why I'm depressed and drained. Chris, I still can't get her off of my mind, I dont want her as just a friend, this I know for a fact. At the same time, I know I dont want her to not be my friend. sometimes I cant tell whether or not she would like me to try going out with her or not, I'm trying to look into this whole dating process thing, I dont understand it. She does hit on me every once and a while, I know she likes me, I just dont know to what degree, I do know I look at her with regret and I dont want to anymore, which leaves me only a couple of options. She does keep saying that she doesn't understand the dating process either and that she would like to learn about it. I've just been agreeing with her with mutual understanding. However, for some reason I'm starting to look at this as a sign... am i alone in this? Oh well, from what it sounds like she may be trying to date someone from one of her old jobs named miles, and in my head is complete depression and despair accompanied by a little image of a voice saying "too late" and then moments later that voice is skewered to the wall by a sword bearing image that says "It's only too late if you admit defeat without trying." I dont know what to do, I want to so badly, but I keep feeling like I dont have anything to offer... I want to fix that. I'm trying to recover my mentality with renewed vigor while at the same time I'm trying to beat off depression. Anyway, I guess I'm done with this entry now, I have to work in 5 hours, goodnight/morning