(no subject)
Well, so far my day hasn't started off bad. I made breakfast for the kids and Levi is taking his morning nap. Allie actually ate. She's such a picky eater. Sometimes it takes a battle just to get her to eat. It's very frustrating. Especially from a kid who ate so well even a year ago. Her favorite food used to be spinach! Anyway, this morning she ate her entire egg omelet and half of another one. WOW.
Bobby left first thing this morning to go to his uncles and help him with a few things around the house. In a way, it's nicer when he's not at home. Then we don't just sit here and fight the entire day. I'm getting tired of the constant fighting. . . They say that distance can make the heart fonder. I truly believe that. It's like when we're apart we get along so much better.
I was up like 3 times last night from bad dreams. I recall bits and pieces of one, but I can't really put it all together. I woke up shaking from the one. But, after a couple minutes I went back to sleep. I contemplated writing the dream down and putting it on the dream site, but, It was very detailed and gruesome I didn't really want to save it in my memory. Anyway, after I went to sleep, I forgot most of the details. I'm sure if one could decipher it, it would have to do with my marriage.
Anyway, tonight we're going to see Bobby's good friend Wayneo's friend Ferrell Webber (HE'S AWESOME) play at the bar tonight. i would like to say that Bobby and I are not "bar" people. We throw really big family get together / parties where alot of drinking is done. However, we do not participate in the bar scene. He does not drink at all and I rarely drink. Although, it does have to do with having 3 children and me not getting drunk in front of them, I just don't drink much anymore. Even before we had children, I only did it occasionally. (aside from the 3 or 4 years when I was a teenager and I did my fair share of drinking) Anyway, tonight will not be any different drinking wise. I have to leave at 11 p.m. to pick up our kids from the sitter's house because she has to be at work at 8 a.m. the next morning and cannot keep them overnight. The logistics of getting the kids to the sitters house 35 minutes drive south of our house and then going to the bar about 15 minutes north of our home, only to turn around a couple hours later and get them, kinda sucks. I thought about just staying home with the kids, instead of wasting all of the gas driving there and back only to see the band play for about an hour and a half to two hours. But, I know it would only make Bobby aggravated, even though last weekend he was supposed to go with me to see Manda's husband play and then bailed at the last minute because he didn't think it was worth all the driving to watch a band play for 2 hours. Oh well. Maybe after we drop the kids off that will give us some time to talk about things.
I remember being at this point with Dennis. Every single day we fought. He found a way out by talking to another girl and then eventually called off our relationship by pursuing a relationship with her. I regret it though. I was with him for 4 years and I was madly in love with him. He was my first love. He meant everything to me. Although, I jumped quickly into a relationship with Bobby. I never really ever stopped thinking about Dennis. I just don't want to make the same mistake with Bobby. I love him. I don't want to wonder if I did everything I could to make it work. Bobby and I are good together. We have a beautiful family together. We have the same dreams and goals. I feel like with Dennis as soon as it got hard, we just gave up. We didn't really try to make it any better. Maybe it's because we were young and how can you know that he's the one when you're only 19 or 20? I dunno. It was like as soon as it got bad we just gave up. I don't want to do that with Bobby. Maybe that's why I've stayed even though it's been bad for so long.. But, now I'm to the point of something has got to give. I have brought up marriage counseling to him on several occasions but, he's so dead set against it. His exact words were "if you need a marriage counselor you don't need to be together" He's so old fashioned. Many relationships go through counseling and come out of it stronger and more in love than ever. If you don't come out that way then maybe you just know that it will never work because you've drifted too far apart to fix it. I dunno. I just want to happy, loving marriage. One where we can disagree or fight about something and I don't have to worry about signing divorce papers. Every fight we get into anymore, divorce comes up. I'm tired of always feeling like our relationship is on thin ice. Every argument we get into I hear the ice cracking even more. It's like one of these days the entire thing is going to give way. I am sick of living this way.
I just have alot on my mind. I feel like this huge weight on my shoulders. I want to talk to Bobby about all of the feelings that I'm having. We just fight so much anymore, I am afraid to talk about everything because I'm afraid it will end up in a big blow up. Or maybe I'm afraid too that he will say he's ready to get divorced. I don't want to be a single mom of 3. I didn't get married and have children to do it all alone. And I love him. I don't want to just give it all up.
Bobby left first thing this morning to go to his uncles and help him with a few things around the house. In a way, it's nicer when he's not at home. Then we don't just sit here and fight the entire day. I'm getting tired of the constant fighting. . . They say that distance can make the heart fonder. I truly believe that. It's like when we're apart we get along so much better.
I was up like 3 times last night from bad dreams. I recall bits and pieces of one, but I can't really put it all together. I woke up shaking from the one. But, after a couple minutes I went back to sleep. I contemplated writing the dream down and putting it on the dream site, but, It was very detailed and gruesome I didn't really want to save it in my memory. Anyway, after I went to sleep, I forgot most of the details. I'm sure if one could decipher it, it would have to do with my marriage.
Anyway, tonight we're going to see Bobby's good friend Wayneo's friend Ferrell Webber (HE'S AWESOME) play at the bar tonight. i would like to say that Bobby and I are not "bar" people. We throw really big family get together / parties where alot of drinking is done. However, we do not participate in the bar scene. He does not drink at all and I rarely drink. Although, it does have to do with having 3 children and me not getting drunk in front of them, I just don't drink much anymore. Even before we had children, I only did it occasionally. (aside from the 3 or 4 years when I was a teenager and I did my fair share of drinking) Anyway, tonight will not be any different drinking wise. I have to leave at 11 p.m. to pick up our kids from the sitter's house because she has to be at work at 8 a.m. the next morning and cannot keep them overnight. The logistics of getting the kids to the sitters house 35 minutes drive south of our house and then going to the bar about 15 minutes north of our home, only to turn around a couple hours later and get them, kinda sucks. I thought about just staying home with the kids, instead of wasting all of the gas driving there and back only to see the band play for about an hour and a half to two hours. But, I know it would only make Bobby aggravated, even though last weekend he was supposed to go with me to see Manda's husband play and then bailed at the last minute because he didn't think it was worth all the driving to watch a band play for 2 hours. Oh well. Maybe after we drop the kids off that will give us some time to talk about things.
I remember being at this point with Dennis. Every single day we fought. He found a way out by talking to another girl and then eventually called off our relationship by pursuing a relationship with her. I regret it though. I was with him for 4 years and I was madly in love with him. He was my first love. He meant everything to me. Although, I jumped quickly into a relationship with Bobby. I never really ever stopped thinking about Dennis. I just don't want to make the same mistake with Bobby. I love him. I don't want to wonder if I did everything I could to make it work. Bobby and I are good together. We have a beautiful family together. We have the same dreams and goals. I feel like with Dennis as soon as it got hard, we just gave up. We didn't really try to make it any better. Maybe it's because we were young and how can you know that he's the one when you're only 19 or 20? I dunno. It was like as soon as it got bad we just gave up. I don't want to do that with Bobby. Maybe that's why I've stayed even though it's been bad for so long.. But, now I'm to the point of something has got to give. I have brought up marriage counseling to him on several occasions but, he's so dead set against it. His exact words were "if you need a marriage counselor you don't need to be together" He's so old fashioned. Many relationships go through counseling and come out of it stronger and more in love than ever. If you don't come out that way then maybe you just know that it will never work because you've drifted too far apart to fix it. I dunno. I just want to happy, loving marriage. One where we can disagree or fight about something and I don't have to worry about signing divorce papers. Every fight we get into anymore, divorce comes up. I'm tired of always feeling like our relationship is on thin ice. Every argument we get into I hear the ice cracking even more. It's like one of these days the entire thing is going to give way. I am sick of living this way.
I just have alot on my mind. I feel like this huge weight on my shoulders. I want to talk to Bobby about all of the feelings that I'm having. We just fight so much anymore, I am afraid to talk about everything because I'm afraid it will end up in a big blow up. Or maybe I'm afraid too that he will say he's ready to get divorced. I don't want to be a single mom of 3. I didn't get married and have children to do it all alone. And I love him. I don't want to just give it all up.