OO VAGUE
Shit. I wonder if I'm really over it all. Secretly, in the back of my mind, I want it all to start up again but that's totally unhealthy. I seriously need to learn from my mistakes--but making those mistakes feels so good initially. I just know in the morning I'm going to regret it and wonder why I do that to myself.
I know I'm looking for something more. But it's not (strictly) with a companion. It's something about myself. I try to emulate my role models but I'm afraid I don't know the boundary between being myself and becoming that person.
How do I feel comfortable being myself?
It's nice not having a crush that I think about 24/7 but it makes me wonder why that kind of stuff is about 90% of what I think about. It never used to be like that.
All I know is, I can't fuck whatever I try to do with ________ up. I can't make the same mistakes. No, I'm not looking to have a relationship with him. I'm not even trying to get in his pants. On the other hand, I totally want to mutually create feelings of sexual tension between him and I. I'm so afraid, though, of just messing it up. Why's this so important to me? I'm sick and twisted and succeeding at the thrill of the chase would feel more gratifying than anything I did with him.
What the fuck's my problem?
I'm sure part of me is just jealous of everyone that has succeeded at getting everything that they wanted. The question is, do I sleep promiscuously with guys with the hope that we'll both wake up in the morning and realize we're meant for each other or do I do the normal thing: make friends, date and wait to get with them once I know we're compatible? Sure, the latter is a better solution but I'm also a man who desires instant gratification. I want my cake and eat it too. It just sucks, because, with my luck, I vomit that cake up the next day.
I wish he (not ______) would IM me and say "I can't wait to get back to Boston. We really need to hang more this year". I wish he would say "Wanna chill again when we're back?" and I would totally say "No". I would say it and feel it but know in my heart, I meant "Yes". But he's into someone else. And it's definitely not me. I don't know who it is and I'm not even sure if they go to school with us but whoever it is should feel lucky.
Then there's ________ and I've tried to convince myself that everything's done. It is. I know it is. That still doesn't stop me from thinking of the "what if" situation. What if I hadn't done that? What if I had left it like it was last September? If I had made no contact..would everything go the way I originally wanted it to? Will I get a second chance? This is so purely out of lust.
I wonder if I'll run into _____ this semester. The physical attraction, I think, is gone. He had a nice cock though and loved to do some pretty kinky shit. I definitely miss the closeness and confidence he had. Is that all I miss? I think it is. I'm still going to act retarded and lose all of my words if I see him, though. Isn't he leaving the country? Or was that this summer? Is he going to be here for his junior year? I tried to contact him and say hi on Facebook..a friendly hi..and I never got a response. I'm not surprised..he was definitely acting strange the last time I saw him. Like he knew he fucked up a good thing and didn't know how to talk to me. I hope the next time he sees me, I look better than I ever have.
As for _______, well, I don't know. It all depends on time. I don't know what I'll be feeling when/if the time comes.
Honestly, I don't wanna wait too long because then what would I blog about!?
I know I'm looking for something more. But it's not (strictly) with a companion. It's something about myself. I try to emulate my role models but I'm afraid I don't know the boundary between being myself and becoming that person.
How do I feel comfortable being myself?
It's nice not having a crush that I think about 24/7 but it makes me wonder why that kind of stuff is about 90% of what I think about. It never used to be like that.
All I know is, I can't fuck whatever I try to do with ________ up. I can't make the same mistakes. No, I'm not looking to have a relationship with him. I'm not even trying to get in his pants. On the other hand, I totally want to mutually create feelings of sexual tension between him and I. I'm so afraid, though, of just messing it up. Why's this so important to me? I'm sick and twisted and succeeding at the thrill of the chase would feel more gratifying than anything I did with him.
What the fuck's my problem?
I'm sure part of me is just jealous of everyone that has succeeded at getting everything that they wanted. The question is, do I sleep promiscuously with guys with the hope that we'll both wake up in the morning and realize we're meant for each other or do I do the normal thing: make friends, date and wait to get with them once I know we're compatible? Sure, the latter is a better solution but I'm also a man who desires instant gratification. I want my cake and eat it too. It just sucks, because, with my luck, I vomit that cake up the next day.
I wish he (not ______) would IM me and say "I can't wait to get back to Boston. We really need to hang more this year". I wish he would say "Wanna chill again when we're back?" and I would totally say "No". I would say it and feel it but know in my heart, I meant "Yes". But he's into someone else. And it's definitely not me. I don't know who it is and I'm not even sure if they go to school with us but whoever it is should feel lucky.
Then there's ________ and I've tried to convince myself that everything's done. It is. I know it is. That still doesn't stop me from thinking of the "what if" situation. What if I hadn't done that? What if I had left it like it was last September? If I had made no contact..would everything go the way I originally wanted it to? Will I get a second chance? This is so purely out of lust.
I wonder if I'll run into _____ this semester. The physical attraction, I think, is gone. He had a nice cock though and loved to do some pretty kinky shit. I definitely miss the closeness and confidence he had. Is that all I miss? I think it is. I'm still going to act retarded and lose all of my words if I see him, though. Isn't he leaving the country? Or was that this summer? Is he going to be here for his junior year? I tried to contact him and say hi on Facebook..a friendly hi..and I never got a response. I'm not surprised..he was definitely acting strange the last time I saw him. Like he knew he fucked up a good thing and didn't know how to talk to me. I hope the next time he sees me, I look better than I ever have.
As for _______, well, I don't know. It all depends on time. I don't know what I'll be feeling when/if the time comes.
Honestly, I don't wanna wait too long because then what would I blog about!?