Hope
I haven't felt too much justice in my writing lately.
Unsatisfied.
Much like when I eat Taco Bell.
I always want more and everything tastes the same.
Things are starting to pan out. Finally. Fucking finally.
Too many nights of sleeplessness. Rerun behind rerun. A clean house. Dust free.
Kettle after kettle of steaming water to make my instant coffee.
My mind on overdrive. The hampster in his wheel getting caught up in his hasty escape only to be thrown around and around in his plastic cage of discomfort.
Haven't really been myself lately. Unable to sleep. Not thirsty for a drink. Slipping off to bed far too early. Unhappy and lost in thought.
I think I might be back kids....
Late last night things suddenly clicked for me. This unsolved puzzle I've been working on for more hours than I'd like to remember suddenly finished itself without hesitation.
I don't need anyone.
Just me.
I don't need someone to call me. Don't need to have a body next to me to sleep. Don't need financial support or for someone to pay my tab.
I'm not in need of emotional stability or a crutch to help me walk.
For a moment there I was convinced it was all these things that I was looking for.
I've always been in a relationship. Always had a guy to lean on. Someone to cry to and to understand me. Never alone.
Mid last year things changed.
Someone broke me. Not just my heart but my dignity and pride. This handsome young gentleman wronged me more wrong than I've ever been and at first I didn't know what to do.
I drank myself silly for weeks...thinking I was going to have trouble sleeping without him. I'd get up and drive til my car ran out of gas just to get away from everything he did to me. Tried to fill the emptiness with the arms of some stranger.
In short, the whole experience has brought me to a place in my heart where I know I can live alone. I don't need to wake up to someone telling me I'm beautiful to feel beautiful.
Took me forever to realize that I've been pretty happy all along.
I feel like a complete asshole for pushing you away. But, jumping straight into something so very serious with someone who yes, I know, but then again barely know... I just don't have the strength. Or the heart.
Or the balls.
And as right as I thought it was going to feel when you returned... it just didn't.
I was thinking something would wash over me like a warm shower. I'd close my eyes and everything would make sense and you'd say something romantic and I'd know you were the one.
It didn't really work out like that.
Sure I cried when I first saw you. It felt like forever since I'd seen that face.
Surrounded by bar regulars I couldn't help but hide in your shirt and weep.
We laid there late into the night. And I tried to look at you like you look at me and I couldn't.
My mind wandering to someone else.
Someone who means more to me than I'll dare to reconize.
I knew then that I wasn't ready.
I'm not ready to settle down and live with someone. To share a bank account and words like "we" and "us".
The only thing I'm ready for is an adventure and perhaps someone who wants to come along for the ride. Or direct me to the nearest pit stop.
I've felt torn for weeks.
Unable to say how I really felt because I didn't want to hurt anyone.
I realized that in the end it was only me who would be hurt. Denying myself of my wants and needs, my dreams and aspirations stunted by the foils of romance.
No more.
My life may not be storybook perfect but this is me.
I'm not perfect. I'm Ash.
And if you can't hang then let go of that branch and give me room to spread my wings.
I'm looking for copilots and captains that can help me fly this thing.
And I want you.
Yes you.
Because you make me feel something. Something special
And yeah I feel stupid sometimes. Feel like maybe I'm jumping into a crossfire only to be defeated and forgotten.
But I'm taking a chance.
Hoping you'll meet me at that fork in the road...
Not expecting you to.
Just hoping...
Unsatisfied.
Much like when I eat Taco Bell.
I always want more and everything tastes the same.
Things are starting to pan out. Finally. Fucking finally.
Too many nights of sleeplessness. Rerun behind rerun. A clean house. Dust free.
Kettle after kettle of steaming water to make my instant coffee.
My mind on overdrive. The hampster in his wheel getting caught up in his hasty escape only to be thrown around and around in his plastic cage of discomfort.
Haven't really been myself lately. Unable to sleep. Not thirsty for a drink. Slipping off to bed far too early. Unhappy and lost in thought.
I think I might be back kids....
Late last night things suddenly clicked for me. This unsolved puzzle I've been working on for more hours than I'd like to remember suddenly finished itself without hesitation.
I don't need anyone.
Just me.
I don't need someone to call me. Don't need to have a body next to me to sleep. Don't need financial support or for someone to pay my tab.
I'm not in need of emotional stability or a crutch to help me walk.
For a moment there I was convinced it was all these things that I was looking for.
I've always been in a relationship. Always had a guy to lean on. Someone to cry to and to understand me. Never alone.
Mid last year things changed.
Someone broke me. Not just my heart but my dignity and pride. This handsome young gentleman wronged me more wrong than I've ever been and at first I didn't know what to do.
I drank myself silly for weeks...thinking I was going to have trouble sleeping without him. I'd get up and drive til my car ran out of gas just to get away from everything he did to me. Tried to fill the emptiness with the arms of some stranger.
In short, the whole experience has brought me to a place in my heart where I know I can live alone. I don't need to wake up to someone telling me I'm beautiful to feel beautiful.
Took me forever to realize that I've been pretty happy all along.
I feel like a complete asshole for pushing you away. But, jumping straight into something so very serious with someone who yes, I know, but then again barely know... I just don't have the strength. Or the heart.
Or the balls.
And as right as I thought it was going to feel when you returned... it just didn't.
I was thinking something would wash over me like a warm shower. I'd close my eyes and everything would make sense and you'd say something romantic and I'd know you were the one.
It didn't really work out like that.
Sure I cried when I first saw you. It felt like forever since I'd seen that face.
Surrounded by bar regulars I couldn't help but hide in your shirt and weep.
We laid there late into the night. And I tried to look at you like you look at me and I couldn't.
My mind wandering to someone else.
Someone who means more to me than I'll dare to reconize.
I knew then that I wasn't ready.
I'm not ready to settle down and live with someone. To share a bank account and words like "we" and "us".
The only thing I'm ready for is an adventure and perhaps someone who wants to come along for the ride. Or direct me to the nearest pit stop.
I've felt torn for weeks.
Unable to say how I really felt because I didn't want to hurt anyone.
I realized that in the end it was only me who would be hurt. Denying myself of my wants and needs, my dreams and aspirations stunted by the foils of romance.
No more.
My life may not be storybook perfect but this is me.
I'm not perfect. I'm Ash.
And if you can't hang then let go of that branch and give me room to spread my wings.
I'm looking for copilots and captains that can help me fly this thing.
And I want you.
Yes you.
Because you make me feel something. Something special
And yeah I feel stupid sometimes. Feel like maybe I'm jumping into a crossfire only to be defeated and forgotten.
But I'm taking a chance.
Hoping you'll meet me at that fork in the road...
Not expecting you to.
Just hoping...