(no subject)
my cousin ran into an old old friend of ours that we haven't seen in like 3 years. she was in really bad shape. her name is johanna and when i knew her, all she did was smoke pot and drink a lil. well now she has gone really down hill and is shooting speed and heroin and is just totally deep in the game. im not innocent, i've shot heroin and coke and smocked crack and whatever. i need to get clean. its so important. i'm thinking about going to a meeting tonight with my cousin and seriously stop doing drugs. i keep saying it but i never do it. if i dont, i'm going to be in this girl's situation in 6 months no doubt. and i'm almost there anyway. if theres a drug in front of me i will do it. i think the only thing i wouldnt do is PCP. anything else, i'm game. this has got to stop. i think one reason why i think i dont have a big problem is because i have managed to keep a good job for 8 months. but this chick has a good job too. doesnt mean she isnt in the shithole. she was trying to open her heart to me last night when i went to visit her.
have you ever been talking to some one who is talking about problems they have, and they hit so close to home that you cant offer them advice, because you are in the same boat? she was telling me how she never learned coping skills and how this bad childhood and school years just fucked her up. i am the same way. I AM A FUCKED UP PERSON. I think i have an ability to hide it though. if you saw me on the street i think ytou would never have known ive smoked rock, shot heroin, snorted anything you can snort, done every hallucinogen available in houston, pop pills, ate weed, smoked speed, whatever. and i try to tell myelf that i dont have a problem. the problem is i cant say no. i dont go looking for it. drugs find me, and i welcome them with open arms. i need clean people and winners in my life.
i was supposed to go see my mom tonight but i think if i put thr aa meeting off for another day, i'll keep procrastinating. so, i think my mommma can wait for me.
my mom shoots drugs too. and her doc is taking her off her medicine. i old my friend this last night. johanna was so crying out for help. she said she had some speed left and when it was gone she was gunna clean up. i took some ecstasy on saturday night and was not my normal self on sunday. we tried going to the grocery store and i totally spaced out. people were looking at me weird. and maybe its paranoia, maybe the paranoia is what they pick up on, but either way i geeked out. amr and jessica could tell... so could everyone else im sure.
im starting to hate people, social gatherings, which i always get nervous but now i just plain old geek out. i want to be normal again.
jessicas dad hates me. my own uncle hates me. i feel like i need her help though. ive put him thru so many loops and lied to him so well that now he just cant trust me, even when im being truthful.. maybe he will this last time. shit I want to go to AA with her. I feel weird doing i by myself. Lee, please see my heart is being truthful.
have you ever been talking to some one who is talking about problems they have, and they hit so close to home that you cant offer them advice, because you are in the same boat? she was telling me how she never learned coping skills and how this bad childhood and school years just fucked her up. i am the same way. I AM A FUCKED UP PERSON. I think i have an ability to hide it though. if you saw me on the street i think ytou would never have known ive smoked rock, shot heroin, snorted anything you can snort, done every hallucinogen available in houston, pop pills, ate weed, smoked speed, whatever. and i try to tell myelf that i dont have a problem. the problem is i cant say no. i dont go looking for it. drugs find me, and i welcome them with open arms. i need clean people and winners in my life.
i was supposed to go see my mom tonight but i think if i put thr aa meeting off for another day, i'll keep procrastinating. so, i think my mommma can wait for me.
my mom shoots drugs too. and her doc is taking her off her medicine. i old my friend this last night. johanna was so crying out for help. she said she had some speed left and when it was gone she was gunna clean up. i took some ecstasy on saturday night and was not my normal self on sunday. we tried going to the grocery store and i totally spaced out. people were looking at me weird. and maybe its paranoia, maybe the paranoia is what they pick up on, but either way i geeked out. amr and jessica could tell... so could everyone else im sure.
im starting to hate people, social gatherings, which i always get nervous but now i just plain old geek out. i want to be normal again.
jessicas dad hates me. my own uncle hates me. i feel like i need her help though. ive put him thru so many loops and lied to him so well that now he just cant trust me, even when im being truthful.. maybe he will this last time. shit I want to go to AA with her. I feel weird doing i by myself. Lee, please see my heart is being truthful.