Summer Boy

[teafortwelve]

Title: Summer Boy
Author: teafortwelve (Tara)
Rating: G
Verse: Gen V, Gameverse.
Characters: Black/White
Summary: His summer ends when she leaves. It's as simple as that.
Author's Note: Comments and crits are loved. <3 This will probably be completely OOC for them when the games are released, but for now, just take their characterizations as my personal

Comments

[chrysa]

Aaah, this fic is really cute. I really like how you captured both Mijumaru and the male PC's feelings of longing. Maybe it's because my room is ridiculously hot right now, but I feel like you really captured the air and spirit of a waxing summer in this fic.

I have to say, though, for some reason, the rhythm of your first section is a little off. I can't pinpoint exactly why - I'm learning towards the fact that your sentences are really short and choppy in that section, which interrupts the sense of fluidity in the scene. Especially with this sentence:

“Tomorrow,” she says, after decades have passed.

It took me a minute to actually figure out that you meant it figuratively and not literally. Something about the proceeding passage about her actions made it seem like not a lot of time has passed. Shorter sentence structures get read faster, and sense the reader's sense of time feels interrupted, the pacing is off.

The sun is setting, but the twosome remains.

Twosome is plural, so remain. You wouldn't say "They is a twosome", so the plurality of the word is assumed.

[teafortwelve]

Thank you, and thanks much for the critique. That really helped. x) <3

Haha, yes, I'll have to fix up that sentence, as it was pointed out twice now...

Thanks again! :)