(Untitled)

[teafortwelve]

Title: Choke
Author: teafortwelve 
Rating: PG
Verse: Gameverse, Gen III
Characters: May, Wally, Wally's mother
Summary: Wally wants to see the world, but he can't go on. Not without her.

Comments

[ibuberu]

This is magnificent! I like the atmosphere, the choice of words, the style and just about everything. What I found rather unique is actually, the way you depict May and Wally's relationship - about Wally wanting to see the world with May, rather than Wally just yearning for simple freedom, it is as if May gives him more of a reason and an excuse to risk his life, and that is so beautiful when we come down to the ending ;;

Wally is almost always defined by his sickliness, and is usually seen in the way you wrote him here, I cannot find anything special about it, after I've read a number of stories about Wally fighting his illness. But regardless, I like how you handle his thought process and describe the environment around him, it is so vivid and it makes the reader feel for his character. Little phrases of beautiful imagery like 'Lead only by starlight, Wally slides out into the shadows of the world and lets them enfold him, illness and all.' make this enjoyable. And I loved the constrast in this sentence, well executed!: 'The freedom, however, soon becomes a cage.'

And of course, the last sentence is heartrending in its conclusiveness C:

One weird sentence here: 'She shoves a mug of tea in his hands and a smile in his face and walks away., does the mother shove a smile onto his face? 'Shove' seems like too rough a word.

But otherwise, I really just like this, good work!

[teafortwelve]

Thank you so much! Your comment really means a lot. :)

Yes, I wasn't sure how else to depict him... His sickness is, in a sense, who he is. x) And thank you! :D

As for that sentence, it's the mother who smiles; she forces a smile in some failed attempt to cheer herself up, and to cheer Wally up, as well. Hm, I see what you mean... Shove is kinda rough. xD I'll think on other words. :)

Thanks again!