:( ....as always....
warning: lots of complaining!
*sorry about being so negative, but i need to put these thoughts elsewhere to hopefully get off my chest and to reflect upon later....*
as much as life has not been über enjoyable, i have nothing to complain about except myself. i am just SO sick of myself. im so lazy, unfocused, undisciplined, and negative.
i get so distracted by everything that i dont ever do my homework. i know it is important and getting good grades is very important to me, but i find it so difficult to sit down and just do it. i can never just sit down and start my homework. maybe im afraid of something, but i dont know what. i wish i had someone to guide me, because i am hopeless with helping myself. for the first time, it feels like there is an end to this degree. but even that is not motivating enough. i wish that a friend of mine would just sit down with me to just do homework. but, my friends in my classes live off campus, have jobs, like privacy while doing homework, or are too busy themselves. i wish that i didnt have the internet. it is too distracting!
i started taking swimming lessons. they are so fun, but i do get frustrated easily. i am pretty serious about them. i have learned so much and the two girls that teach me said that i have improved a great deal. now that i have some skill, i want to improve my endurance. this is where i get frustrated. my body is so out of shape and i feel like im 80. i swim across the pool and back and feel like im going to die, or worse, puke. it is so embarassing. i am constantly gasping for breath and it makes me unable to talk. i dont know how to build endurance. the last time i tried to push myself to my limit (which was not alot, trust me) i almost passed out. wtf is wrong with me?
i was hoping to begin losing weight, or to notice a change in my body at all. i am very aware of my body and notice the smallest changed. but no. no changes.
will i ever get a break? i have been worried about my body every single day since i was 4. i wish that i could be proud of my body. i wish i was healthy and thin and not have to worry about my stomach hanging over my pants or my clothes not fitting. ben keeps telling me that my body image is distorted. i know that! im the one who make it that way! even though i lost weight years ago, i lost it in a very unhealthy way. i still think of myself as the fat girl. ben doesnt understand that. he is perfectly healthy and thin. he has never ever worried about his weight or health. he doesnt know what it is like to be teased about his body.
you are born in your body. you learn in your body. your body is your vehicle. what is there to make fun of?
why does my past hurt me so much? not a day goes by where i do not think of the words my classmates used to say to me. it gets so drilled into your head that you start to believe it. you get so used to your body that even when it finally does change, you believe so much in what others have told you that you still see that person in the mirror.
when i look in the mirror, i still see the old me. she is scared to eat in public. she hates when people look at her. she is so painfully self-concious.
sure i have lost weight. my body is different. losing weight does not change ones mentality. i still cry over my appearence. i am still scared to eat in public because i think people are staring at me. i still walk around expecting someone to insult my body.
only ben really knows how self-conscious i am. i hate when he touches my stomach, and i move his hand if he does. sometimes he gets upset. he just wants me to be comfortable with him. ben makes me feel beautiful, but i never feel anything but fat when i am with him.
i just want to be satisfied. i want to be happy with my mind and body. i dont know where to start.
*sorry about being so negative, but i need to put these thoughts elsewhere to hopefully get off my chest and to reflect upon later....*
as much as life has not been über enjoyable, i have nothing to complain about except myself. i am just SO sick of myself. im so lazy, unfocused, undisciplined, and negative.
i get so distracted by everything that i dont ever do my homework. i know it is important and getting good grades is very important to me, but i find it so difficult to sit down and just do it. i can never just sit down and start my homework. maybe im afraid of something, but i dont know what. i wish i had someone to guide me, because i am hopeless with helping myself. for the first time, it feels like there is an end to this degree. but even that is not motivating enough. i wish that a friend of mine would just sit down with me to just do homework. but, my friends in my classes live off campus, have jobs, like privacy while doing homework, or are too busy themselves. i wish that i didnt have the internet. it is too distracting!
i started taking swimming lessons. they are so fun, but i do get frustrated easily. i am pretty serious about them. i have learned so much and the two girls that teach me said that i have improved a great deal. now that i have some skill, i want to improve my endurance. this is where i get frustrated. my body is so out of shape and i feel like im 80. i swim across the pool and back and feel like im going to die, or worse, puke. it is so embarassing. i am constantly gasping for breath and it makes me unable to talk. i dont know how to build endurance. the last time i tried to push myself to my limit (which was not alot, trust me) i almost passed out. wtf is wrong with me?
i was hoping to begin losing weight, or to notice a change in my body at all. i am very aware of my body and notice the smallest changed. but no. no changes.
will i ever get a break? i have been worried about my body every single day since i was 4. i wish that i could be proud of my body. i wish i was healthy and thin and not have to worry about my stomach hanging over my pants or my clothes not fitting. ben keeps telling me that my body image is distorted. i know that! im the one who make it that way! even though i lost weight years ago, i lost it in a very unhealthy way. i still think of myself as the fat girl. ben doesnt understand that. he is perfectly healthy and thin. he has never ever worried about his weight or health. he doesnt know what it is like to be teased about his body.
you are born in your body. you learn in your body. your body is your vehicle. what is there to make fun of?
why does my past hurt me so much? not a day goes by where i do not think of the words my classmates used to say to me. it gets so drilled into your head that you start to believe it. you get so used to your body that even when it finally does change, you believe so much in what others have told you that you still see that person in the mirror.
when i look in the mirror, i still see the old me. she is scared to eat in public. she hates when people look at her. she is so painfully self-concious.
sure i have lost weight. my body is different. losing weight does not change ones mentality. i still cry over my appearence. i am still scared to eat in public because i think people are staring at me. i still walk around expecting someone to insult my body.
only ben really knows how self-conscious i am. i hate when he touches my stomach, and i move his hand if he does. sometimes he gets upset. he just wants me to be comfortable with him. ben makes me feel beautiful, but i never feel anything but fat when i am with him.
i just want to be satisfied. i want to be happy with my mind and body. i dont know where to start.