What I want, I can't have
Does it ever stop? I'm going to assume that the answer is yes. I am so emotionally drained from all of the chaos that has been going on. My eyes are tired from my lack of sleep, sore from the non stop flow of tears.
I guess what started it all is that I decided that I would get up the guts and ask my mom if she would attend Junior Dad's with me. Even though we really aren't that close and don't talk much at all, I wanted to be like most of the other people going and have a parent there to share the moment with me. I called her and I asked her. She told me no, that there are things at home that needed to be taken care of. That is her answer every time I ask her to spend any amount of time with me. It hurts, it hurts so much. I try so hard to get good grades, be the perfect daughter that every parent wishes for, do the right thing at all times, and I never get the parent that I wish for all too often. I almost feel like it is my fault that she is this way towards me, why wouldn't she want to spend time with her daughter? I must have done something to alter her view of me. I know that I wasn't easy to raise, I know that I have made my fair amount of mistakes, but will there ever be a time when she just takes me for who I am and look past my faults and see the good? Right now, it doesn't seem like that will ever happen. There are so many pieces of me that she has never seen, emotions of mine that she has never experienced, so many places that I want her to see with me, but she won't take the time. What ever happened to the "mother-daughter bond"? I want to know what it feels like. Right now, I wish I had that mother that I could go home to and have her hold me hold me and tell me it was going to be ok, but I don't have that. I want that so bad that I can taste its bittersweetness. I just want to be held by someone that I know isn't going to walk out on me; I think it would be the best feeling. Is that too much to ask for?
To top it all off, I looked at my bank account this morning online and realized that there were purchases being made that I wasn't making and there was money missing that I never spent. I looked in my wallet to try and find my ATM card and it wasn't there. Yes, someone out there has my ATM card and is spending away. Right now they have me at $248.00 in hole. I went to the bank and put in a claim and put a stop on my card. While I have all this money missing, I have bills to pay. And I ask again, why me?
I have decided that my biggest weakness is that I care way too much. If I didn't care about things, people, life would be so much more simple, carefree, but I do and I get hurt because of it. I would like to say that it is a goal of mine to not care so much but I have this fear that I would become more "insensitive" than I already am, that is not so much my goal at all, and honestly, I am not sure what my goal even is anymore. I want to go home, if only there was one.
I guess what started it all is that I decided that I would get up the guts and ask my mom if she would attend Junior Dad's with me. Even though we really aren't that close and don't talk much at all, I wanted to be like most of the other people going and have a parent there to share the moment with me. I called her and I asked her. She told me no, that there are things at home that needed to be taken care of. That is her answer every time I ask her to spend any amount of time with me. It hurts, it hurts so much. I try so hard to get good grades, be the perfect daughter that every parent wishes for, do the right thing at all times, and I never get the parent that I wish for all too often. I almost feel like it is my fault that she is this way towards me, why wouldn't she want to spend time with her daughter? I must have done something to alter her view of me. I know that I wasn't easy to raise, I know that I have made my fair amount of mistakes, but will there ever be a time when she just takes me for who I am and look past my faults and see the good? Right now, it doesn't seem like that will ever happen. There are so many pieces of me that she has never seen, emotions of mine that she has never experienced, so many places that I want her to see with me, but she won't take the time. What ever happened to the "mother-daughter bond"? I want to know what it feels like. Right now, I wish I had that mother that I could go home to and have her hold me hold me and tell me it was going to be ok, but I don't have that. I want that so bad that I can taste its bittersweetness. I just want to be held by someone that I know isn't going to walk out on me; I think it would be the best feeling. Is that too much to ask for?
To top it all off, I looked at my bank account this morning online and realized that there were purchases being made that I wasn't making and there was money missing that I never spent. I looked in my wallet to try and find my ATM card and it wasn't there. Yes, someone out there has my ATM card and is spending away. Right now they have me at $248.00 in hole. I went to the bank and put in a claim and put a stop on my card. While I have all this money missing, I have bills to pay. And I ask again, why me?
I have decided that my biggest weakness is that I care way too much. If I didn't care about things, people, life would be so much more simple, carefree, but I do and I get hurt because of it. I would like to say that it is a goal of mine to not care so much but I have this fear that I would become more "insensitive" than I already am, that is not so much my goal at all, and honestly, I am not sure what my goal even is anymore. I want to go home, if only there was one.