and the whole world is on your case
to make you feel my love
tonight, I grieved for Tommy. and his family. I've known the boy since he was born. he and Phillip are the same age. he had medication in his system. he had just been diagnosed with bipolar. the boy was always intense. he drank too much on new years. Roger brought him home and laid him on the couch, and Leslie checked on him a few hours later, and he wasn't breathing.
it tore Sean apart. funny, my phone just autocorrect ed Sean to dream. how fitting. I'm still crying a little.
I had a sudden, rampant urge to just take off for dad's now. I could continue to study there. but it would curtail my ability to pack for moving.
it's strange to think I won't be living here anymore. when I first left mom's all those years ago, I was so full of fire and brimstone, I wasn't scared in the least. now, being more cognizant of my own fragility, I've become somewhat dependent on mom again, against my better judgement. ironic. I'll be truly on my own. on my own. no lover to protect me. no parent to fall back on. it's what I've always fiercely insisted I wanted. now, faced with it, I'm frantic. and maybe being with mom has been an anesthetic for the loneliness. but that's just the lightest bit. there's a.. dreadful, consuming sadness. I want to say I ache deep down, but that would imply acuity. it's generalised, and chronic, and terrible.
if wild my breast and sore my pride,
I bask in dreams of suicide.
if cool my heart and high my head,
I think how lucky are the dead.