WHO AM I?
A question I am having to contemplate as I come into this time in my life that I am forcing myself to become my own person. Do I have a body and mind by choice or does consciousness come from cells already built and predefined within me?
Should I or can I believe what seems the norm or the logical belief? Can I truly think for myself and trust my experiences to lead me the right direction? Is there and/or am I part of a higher movement or is it just the intelligence within me? How do I communicate or relate to this or is it separate from me? I ask what gives meaning to my existence, what is my purpose or the purpose for this life I have been given? What is or what do I want from my connection with others? I ask what is it to be loved and to give love? Do I truly know or even come close to understanding this love? What do I need/want to be fulfilled, what does it mean to be fulfilled? What is freedom? Is it physical, mental, body or soul or is all of the above necessary to be? Is reality a bonded order or subject to constant change? Is there such thing as good or evil or just a matter of individual perspective?
My mind these days is in a perpetual state of entropy. Entropy=lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder or randomness in a system. As I encounter new people in my life and walk through the history of mine I have realized I have a lot of disorder with a little of this and a little of that here and there. But I still have to ask WHO AM I? I hear others that seem to know exactly what they wanted and needed and walked that path. Where have I been walking all this time? I am not sure and now am lost on a path that I don't even know where to start. I used to know, I used to have goals. Some have passed there expiration date and can no longer be obtained and others at this age seem so unattainable that I have to ask if it is even worth it? WHO AM I? What defines me? Do others see it or are they just as confused as I am? I have nothing that I can find that truly says who I am except to think......little lost girl, fallen angel, slop shooter in life, jack of all trades and master of none? Knowing enough to be confusing but not enough to truly be dangerous to anyone else except myself. Dangerous not in a good way but in a sad way. my accomplishments are only internal and cannot be shown how far I have come to others. Only to myself. I know but that gives me nothing to pass on. Maybe one day I will see the light at the end of this tunnel? Until then I guess I will fumble around in the dark, feeling my way through the pieces around me and hope that in the process I don't accidentally hurt myself.