Just go away already
Depression freakin' sucks. Its going on a two week stretch this time. I am behind in schoolwork and can't seem to get back on that horse. I want to, I love my work, I do enjoy it even when it becomes an interruption with other things I want to do and an obligation. I have a new job on the horizon and life is still moving forward even at its slow pace, it is still forward. I don't want to talk to those who want to talk to me because they either don't understand or just lack the capability of bringing me back around. The one that I know can and has I can't contact. I thought I was able to handle the friendship but I found myself to often jealous and being manipulative. Its a very strange sensation for me because I have never not been able to compartmentalize my emotions before. So I had to be drastic and push him away.
Ok enough of that not going there today. I thought I was getting better last night. I actually started to feel a little lighter and relaxed. I even got an extra hour of sleep. Getting up this morning was not the refreshed feeling I was hoping to have. I was heavy again, sad, lonely, headache starting right away. I felt like cement trying to roll out of bed. I need a vacation. I need to get away again. I hope this is not going to keep getting more and more frequent. I can't afford this. I almost wish the world could come to me sometimes.....lol.
I thought about just seeing what kind of reaction I would get from anybody and sending out a group message that just says "I'm not ok." My hope is that someone maybe that I never thought was capable would come out of the woodwork and be that one to assist me through this? Someone like my lost friend. Someone who gets it and somehow always knows the right things to say. Someone who could read me even in my silence. They say it happens once in a lifetime and I may have already encountered mine? If thats the case, I am SOL.
I have so much to do, to look forward to and am feeling I am reaching a good place in my life. Why does depression have to take me now? Why does the double whammy of anxiety have to make me ask these questions? I don't know. I hear the questions in my head and normally I look for answers but this has taken over and all I want to do is make the room dark, crawl back into bed and fall asleep with the words still resounding in my mind, knowing....."I'm not ok."