A Heart Filled With Gashes
Title: A Heart Filled With Gashes
Pairing: Eunhae
Rating: R for suicide
Genre: Angst
Summary: A fic inspired by the song and music video to MIA also known as Missing Child by IU. ♥
Hyukjae is awake but his eyes remain closed. His eyelids are weighed down from the tears and they are far too heavy to open. He must have cried in his sleep because his cheeks are wet and cold.
Hyukjae clutches a small and crumpled photo to his chest. Maybe if he holds it closer, he can feel Donghae's warmth. Maybe he can feel the boy's smile against his own lips just one more time.
Hyukjae feels nothing. Without Donghae he will never feel anything again, he's sure of that.
Opening his eyes, Hyukjae pulls himself up in bed, glancing at the rain pelting against the window before dragging himself to the bathroom. He doesn't bother to look in the mirror and lifts his still shaking hand to open the cabinet, staring blankly at the rows of pills in front of him.
Which ones would kill him? Which ones would let him see his beloved again?
Hyukjae reaches the same shaking hand into the cabinet, opening one bottle at a time, pouring a small amount of its contents into his hand. Once he decides that he has enough, he swallows the pills one at a time. He hadn't counted how many there were, he only told himself to keep taking them until he was gone.
Hyukjae starts to feel dizzy and numb. He pops one more pill into his mouth and looks in the mirror, seeing a blurred face. His vision clears for a moment and he sees another face in the mirror.
Gasping shakily with what little air Hyukjae has in his lungs, he breathes the name, “Donghae...”
Everything goes dark and Hyukjae wants to scream. The darkness had taken away the perfect image of Donghae in front of him. He cursed himself, wishing he would have kept his eyes open long enough to look at that face for a little while longer. He wishes he would have killed himself more slowly.
Hyukjae must be dead. It's dark and cold. Just a few more seconds and he will stop breathing.
But Hyukjae doesn't stop breathing. After a while he realizes that he can open his eyes. At first he thinks that the pills must have simply made him blind because everything is dark. When he looks down, he notices that he is standing even if there seems to be no ground and only darkness below him. He slowly raises his hand, finding the small, crumpled photo in his palm.
He hears the sound of thunder in the distance and looks up, seeing clouds form in the darkness. He looks down at the picture in his hand again only to realize that there are drops of water coming down, soaking his hand and the rest of his body.
“Hell.”
Had the word slipped from his own mouth or had it come from somewhere else? Hyukjae couldn't be sure but he did know that the word made sense.
In the minds of others, Hell is a place full of fire and demons. To Hyukjae, Hell is full of rain.
He clutches the picture to his chest, trying to keep it safe as he tries to run from the rain, away from Donghae's murderer. If it hadn't been raining that day, Donghae would have made it home safely.
Hyukjae runs and runs but he gets nowhere. The rain follows him through the seemingly endless dark space. He falls to his knees and screams, letting tears of frustration and anger run down his cheeks, mixing with the pounding rain.
“Donghae! Donghae I'm scared! I need you!” He cries and screams for his beloved, clutching the picture so tightly in his fist that it might turn to dust.
“Donghae... please... I need you...” His body is shaking as he clasps his hands together and prays to see his lover one last time.
He begs for what seems like hours until his throat is numb and his eyes sting from the endless tears. He feels a slight burn in his hand and his eyes snap open, staring at the picture, somehow burning in his hand. The flame burns bright even through the downpour of rain.
Just as Hyukjae is about to scream at the rain for taking away his last memory of his love, a palm is placed against the burning photo and the fire disappears along with the rain.
A shaking and crying Hyukjae looks up slowly to see the eyes of his lover staring back.
“D-Donghae...” Hyukjae manages to choke out as Donghae pulls Hyukjae to stand.
Donghae looks at the picture in Hyukjae's hand and smiles. “We had so much fun that day... the weather was so nice too... do you remember, Hyukjae?”
Hyukjae nods slowly, staring at Donghae, wondering if he was real as another tear slides down his face.
“Hyukjae... what have you done to yourself...?” Donghae's smile disappears and his words are so soft that it makes Hyukjae cry even harder.
“I d-did this for you... t-to see you a-again...” Hyukjae manages shakily.
Donghae shakes his head and his eyes are sadder than Hyukjae has ever seen them. “Hyuk... you're not supposed to be here... how did you-”
“Pills...” Hyukjae cuts him off, “f-from the cabinet... I took them until...”
The sad look in Donghae's eyes becomes worse at Hyukjae's words. “Hyuk... you... you shouldn't have done that... you were supposed to live. You...” Donghae cannot seem to continue.
“What, Donghae? W-we can be together now, r-right?” Hyukjae's voice is hopeful yet somehow doubtful.
Donghae places his hands on Hyukjae's shoulders and Hyukjae would have melted from the unexpected warmth in his palms if it weren't for the unexplainable coldness in his heart. “Hyuk, my death was an accident... it was fated to happen. You killed yourself and I... we can't be together like this, Hyuk...”
The words seem to strangle Hyukjae. He can only stare questioningly into the sad eyes of his lover.
Donghae's eyes brim with tears but he still speaks softly. “Why did you do this, Hyuk? Why didn't you wait to see me again? Why were you so impatient?”
Hyukjae realizes what he has done and it suddenly becomes harder to breathe. “I'm so sorry, Donghae... I loved you too much to wait...” The coldness takes over his body and Hyukjae can no longer feel the warmth from Donghae's hands resting on his shoulders. “Even if I'm not here, I'll love you forever, I promise...”
“Hyukjae... I'll love you forever too...” Donghae lets his last words slip from his mouth and a tear fall from his eye as he disappears, leaving Hyukjae alone in the darkness.
“Goodbye, Hyukjae...”
Hyukjae's lifeless body lays across the bathroom floor. In his hand is a nearly burnt picture taken only a few months ago. On his cold lips is a sad smile given to him by the chance to see his lover one last time. On his pale cheek is a small tear caused by the realization that patience could have given him forever.