Colorful
Title: Colorful
Pairing: Eunhae
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG
Summary: “The show is over, close the story book, there will be no encore. And all the random hands that I have shook, well they're reachin' for the door. I watch their backs as they leave single file, but you stood stubborn, cheering all the while.” - Colorful by The Verve Pipe
-
All of their posters are gone, save for one, a memento of their past achievements, perhaps. There are remnants of the posters on the wall, making it obvious that they were torn off. Such a cruel ending, a massacre. An appropriate metaphor for their career.
They were never really supposed to last this long anyway, right? So there should be no pain, there should be happiness that something great could be made of something so hopeless.
Hyukjae takes one last glance at the studio they had practiced in for years, and then he closes the door. He walks down the corridor, hearing the buzz of newer, fresher, more promising talents behind each door he passes.
He hopes that they will be more fortunate than Super Junior had been.
He passes a staff member that used to greet him with a smile and a bow but now she simply passes him by, engrossed in whatever task is at hand. He does not mind, though, because he knows that Super Junior means nothing now. They are nothing.
His heart begins to sink to his stomach and his chest tightens to keep it in place. He has to get out of here.
A brisk pace is set for his escape, not a glance spared to the rest of the building as he makes it to the door, pulls it open and steps into a cold, evening air. He breathes there, free from the constraints of the building, the past.
He glances up at the sound of a honking horn and sees the car that has been waiting for him. His heart stops its descent and beats normally again. He stuffs his hands into his pockets and jogs to the car, glad to find it warm once he's inside.
“I thought I'd be waiting here all night,” Donghae says from the driver's seat with feigned annoyance. Hyukjae reaches over and presses his cold hands against Donghae's neck and cheek, making him gasp. “Your hands are freezing! Stop that!”
Hyukjae laughs and removes his hands. “Don't complain, then,” he says. “Wait, why do you get to drive? You suck at driving.”
“I'm perfectly capable of driving us home, Hyukjae,” Donghae says, sighing and pulling out onto the road.
Hyukjae smiles a little and relaxes in his seat, glancing at Donghae out of the corner of his eye. He happens to catch sight of the clock and finds himself staring at the time, watching the minutes pass by, thinking of what he would be doing if...
“Thinking about being a DJ?” Donghae asks softly, his eyes still glued to the road.
Of course Donghae knows. Donghae always knows.
“I think I miss it a little,” Hyukjae admits, tearing his eyes from the time and looking out the window. He did miss it, it seemed like a place that he was no longer welcome in. Luna and Onew had taken over the radio segment after Leeteuk had left for the army.
Donghae nods and continues to drive silently, pulling into the garage of their apartment complex.
They live together now, just the two of them. It was a simple decision, made after the number of members living in the dorms was so small that it made no sense to live in such a spacious place. Now their apartment is big enough for two, three if including Choco, the occasional visitor.
Hyukjae makes his way through the door first, slipping out of his jacket and shaking off the cold. Donghae follows him and does the same before he wraps his arms around Hyukjae's neck to hug him.
“What are you doing?” Hyukjae questions as he returns the hug.
“It's cold... and you looked like you needed a hug,” Donghae explains.
Hyukjae smiles and lets his eyes close as he holds Donghae a little tighter. “Thanks,” he says.
“Any time,” Donghae replies as he pulls away. “Hungry?”
“What?” Hyukjae questions, glancing at the clock. “Donghae, it's bedtime.”
“That doesn't mean you can't eat a little...” Donghae mumbles and pinches Hyukjae's side.
“I'm fine...” Hyukjae says, taking Donghae's pinching hand into his own for a squeeze.
Donghae quietly follows Hyukjae into their shared bedroom. They have separate rooms, of course, since renting a one bedroom apartment would be suspicious, however the only time that either of them would sleep alone would be when the other was away for one reason or another.
It is technically Hyukjae's bed that they both crawl into after washing up and dressing down. Hyukjae sleeps on the left side, Donghae on the right, although most of the time they are lost somewhere in the middle.
Hyukjae sighs when he is finally comfortable and as soon as his mind rests, he remembers the pain he had felt earlier, that choking feeling. Desperate to think of anything but that, he turns to Donghae and begins kissing along his jaw.
Donghae puts a hand over Hyukjae's mouth and Hyukjae stares at him curiously.
“You wanna try talking to me instead of using me as a way not to talk?” Donghae says, lowering his hand.
Hyukjae continues to stare at him, the concerned eyes contrasting with the amused smile. Hyukjae looks away.
“There's nothing to talk about, can't we just-”
“Pretend that I'm stupid? I'd rather not.”
Hyukjae clenches his jaw until he feels warm fingers on his cheek.
“What is this thing that has you so worked up that you can't even talk to me about it?” Donghae whispers as his fingers caress Hyukjae's cheek.
“Why are you asking when you already know?” Hyukjae whispers back. “You always know.”
There is silence for a moment and Donghae's fingers slide down to hold Hyukjae's hand.
“You need to talk about it.”
Hyukjae lets the sound of Donghae's breathing calm him. He closes his eyes and takes a breath before opening them again. He grips Donghae's hand tightly as the choking feeling claims him again, and then he speaks.
“Why did it end, Donghae? Why couldn't we have stayed together as Super Junior for a while longer? Who do I blame? The members? The company? The fans? Myself? It's childish, I know, to want us to be together still. I just... even through the hard work and nights without sleep... it was so much fun. It was our lives. Now everything is so much easier and it feels like I'm doing nothing, like I should be still out somewhere, preparing for something new. And it shouldn't hurt this much to be so free... so why do I feel like this?”
Donghae's eyes don't leave Hyukjae for a second as he speaks. He takes in the words and presses a soft kiss to his cheek before replying.
“It didn't end, Hyukjae. We're still here. Super Junior is still here. They're all just a call away. All of them. Even the ones who seem happy to have moved on. I could call any one of them right now and have them here in a second if they knew something was wrong with either of us. The only thing that's changed is that we're not living together anymore, not promoting music the way we did before. It feels like we don't exist anymore but we do... it's not anyone's fault. We reached the end of our path and went our separate ways but there's always a spot along that path for us to return to, a place we all share. We still have the same fans, sneaking around and taking pictures of us, buying us gifts, supporting us after all of these years just like they promised us they would. So... what is there to be sad about?”
Hyukjae almost feels the sting of tears in his eyes but he swallows the urge to cry as he faces Donghae.
“Nothing...” he says softly, “there's nothing to be sad about... you're right but... I need to let go of the past, I guess, and accept what's happened.”
Donghae nods and gives Hyukjae a sympathetic smile.
“Nothing will ever really change,” he says. “We've been so lucky to see the places we've seen and to have danced on so many stages... we still have time to visit those places again, they don't have to exist solely in our memories.”
“Why are you so perfect?” Hyukjae blurts out and Donghae laughs, eyes bright in their dark room.
“I'm only perfect for you,” Donghae whispers, throwing a leg over Hyukjae and getting comfortable. “Now sleep.”
Hyukjae stays quiet and plays with Donghae's fingers.
“Are you sure you want to stay with me?” He asks after a while. “I mean, there's so many great guys or girls you could be with... ones that don't hold on to the past, people who are actually good-looking...”
“Shut up,” Donghae mumbles into his pillow.
Hyukjae smiles.
“I love you,” he says into the dark.
“I love you, too,” comes the reply from Donghae's lips against Hyukjae's ear.
“Even though I-”
“Oh my god, shut up and sleep.”
Hyukjae laughs.
“You love me so much that you want me to shut up?”
Donghae groans and rolls on top of Hyukjae, glaring at him playfully.
“I've known you for so many years, I've grown to love everything about you,” he says. “When I tell you to shut up... yeah, even that means I love you.”
“Well... shut up to you too, then,” Hyukjae says, receiving an eye roll and a smile as Donghae settles back down beside him.
“Sleep, Hyukjae,” Donghae says softly, “so that tomorrow you can wake up and finally start a day with a clear mind.”
Hyukjae thinks about the words and smiles to himself. He turns slightly, finding Donghae sound asleep already.
“Good night, Donghae,” he whispers, “I'll start the day with a clear mind... next to you.”
-
“I know I can be colorful, I know I can be gray, I know this loser is living fortunate, because I know you will love me either way.”
-
A/N: Anyone ever seen the movie Rockstar? I've seen it countless times. I listened to the song Colorful from its soundtrack for the first time in ages and I really thought about the lyrics and how they sum up the whole movie. I applied the meaning of it all to Super Junior and... it resulted in this. Perhaps a bit gloomy, but very meaningful, showing that even in the dark, in uncertainty, there will always be something to pull you back. So never lose hope, and if you lose sight of yourself, search for something to keep you grounded. Find a shining star that can lead you home in the dark.
I highly recommend the movie and the song. I hope everyone can find their own meaning within this fic. Thank you for reading ♥
Taking a break from Nectarine Sunset to post this. Happy 6th Anniversary, Super Junior. Stay happy, always.