Addiction
Title: Addiction
Paring: Eunhae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, sort of songfic
Summary: “I want you, those selfish words, I love you, those cruel words, I need you, those heartless words, I don't need your love.” - Addiction, Brown Eyed Girls
I want you, those selfish words.
You are walking away from me now, shaking the hand of some mutual friend, smiling and chatting as you usually do. I am wondering why the sight of you turning your back to me for such a simple matter is so hurtful.
I always want you near me. When you are close to me, whether we are talking or laughing or arguing with each other, I am complete. My happiness is at its peak, there is nothing else in the world that I could possibly want when you are there.
I want you. I want your smile and your eyes and your hands and your feet. I want all of you. I want you to belong to me. I want to belong to you. I want to take you away from the rest of the world, away from the cycles of night and day, to live in a cycle of you and I.
“What do you want?” is a question I could never ask you. I know the answer and I do not want to hear you speak words that do not include me. I can watch you from afar now and know that I am not the one on your mind. There is someone else, is there not? Someone that is not me. You do not want me.
You told me her name, once. I believe I have forgotten. My memory is rather selective when it comes to you. I block out the words of giddy love that you speak about her. I ignore the words you say to her over the phone, the smiles that she is given.
I will want you, selfishly, in secret. I will wait until the day that my want will be selfless. Someday, you will want me too, my want will cause happiness for two instead of one.
I love you, those cruel words.
I think that my feelings for you must not be real. This pain, the indecisiveness in myself, it is too harsh to be real.
I love you. But should I tell you? Would it be too much? It is the truth, and truth is something that best friends share with each other.
Yes, you are my best friend, I see you every day, I know everything about you, I have caused your laugh and dried your tears. This is normal for best friends, is it not also true of lovers?
Lovers. My love. I love you. Be mine.
I cannot tell you these words.
We are alone tonight. Watching our favorite show on your couch as we usually do on Thursday nights. The words are on the edge of my lips, I have not heard a single word from the television.
I cannot say it, perhaps I can show it.
I turn and lean into you and turn your face towards me in one motion before I kiss you. I try to put my feelings, my words into the kiss. You blink at me when I pull away. You smile. You laugh. You push me away and hit me playfully, as friends do. “You're so weird, Donghae,” you say, “I think you've had one too many beers.”
I am prepared for this. “I'm fine,” I say with a fake slur, “you just have really girly lips; I guess I was mistaken.”
You believe my feigned drunken state and laugh again, telling me that I can sleep on the couch so that I will not have to drive home. How can I sleep when my silent words of love have just been rejected?
I need you, those heartless words.
It is a late afternoon when you come into my apartment unannounced, using the spare key I had given you several years before. I stop cleaning my room to greet you but I do not have a chance to. You are clinging to me, hugging me, hiding your face from my view. Are you okay? Are you in pain? Why did you come to me? “Hyukjae?” I say softly and it only takes muffled words against my shoulder for me to know that it is your heart that is hurt.
She cheated on you, you are upset, you want to do something reckless. I hold you, I keep you grounded, I tell you that she is not worth it, that she never was, that soon you will forget about her and move on to someone you deserve.
It takes several minutes of pep talk for you to finally smile again, although your smile is pained. You hug me again and your lips are touching my neck as you whisper “thank you.”
I say that there is no need for thanks but you shake your head, a curious smile on your face as you search for words.
“I need you,” you say, “never leave me, okay?”
My heart begins to beat faster for only a moment before I realize that your words are empty. You need me. You need your best friend to help you when your world is upside down and your skies are gray. Your need is nothing. It is only a word, there is no love, no want, not for me.
I foolishly continue to want you, love you, and need you in ways that you will never consider.
I don't need your love.
You are finally over her. You tell me you want to move on. I tell you to take it slow, to think about it. You tell me you already have a date planned for the evening. I roll my eyes at you and tell you to keep your heart tucked into your sleeve.
Maybe she will be good for you. She will be kind, want you, need you, love you, and you will return those feelings and create a selfless relationship. That is what you are meant to do. It is what you have been taught, just as you have been taught that I am nothing more than your friend and that is all I will ever be.
I am happy for you. I will learn to let you go. I have thought about it, it keeps me up at night. If I cannot let you go by simply willing away my feelings, I will force them away. Force? How can I force away my feelings? Feelings such as this are in your heart, perhaps I will find a way to make it stop beating.
No. If my heart stops beating, I will not see you. I will not see your smile, your laugh, your tears; you will have no one to come to when your heart is broken again. I must stay next to you, my tattered heart beating for a lost cause.
I do not need you to love me in return. I can find happiness in being a friend as I have done in the past. I will laugh with you, watch television with you, cry with you, I will meet your date and tell her all of the wonderful things I know about you. I will be happy for you, happy next to you. When you are close to me, I am complete. I must keep you close to me to keep my heart in one piece.
I will learn to live like this, even though I am silently, secretly, selfishly waiting for you to feed my addiction, my addiction to you.
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A/N: Just a quick fic that I thought up while I was on vacationnnn. I'm writing a few longer projects right now, I'll try to finish them soon!