I NEVER expected this...
Ok.. so today = majorly shitty day. A lot of people tried to make me laugh. Kind of worked... kind of didn't. The whole table at lunch found out I started smoking again. Matt made it a big deal... pshhh... whatever. When I was with Alex... it wasn't this bad. He made me stop... I had one like once a week if anything. He never let me have one unless I was being annoying and begged.... or just simply stole them from him.. but it wasn't really stealing cause he knew lol. Seems like my emotions are taking over me again. I'm keeping shit bottled up inside and it's kind of making me go crazy. Like I seriously haven't updated anything on Alex and me... or even told anybody. I just keep telling everyone that we're getting better and we're starting to see each other again. I'm just saying that to make myself feel better and not be so upset all the time. But deep down inside... I know the truth. Yeah things were getting great between us.... up until last night. I thought everything was great. Guess not. I truely wish I still had him. The weird thing is... Colin apologized to me yesterday. I guess he felt bad for ruining shit between Alex and me... but I had it coming anyway. I know deep down inside Alex still loves me... but he's probably just scared I'll hurt him again. But it's not like I cheated on him at all. If he said shit about me or even said a LITTLE WHITE LIE I would forgive him like 5 minutes later. But Alex is totally not like me... he sees things differently then me and I respect that. I just wish he'd forgive me for whatever I did. It's like he wants to throw everything away. I mean... he has to miss all our great memories... right?. We were so perfect I mean for crying out loud we spent HOURS talking to each other online cause he doesn't like the phones. Like seriously we spoke something from 5 pm to like 6 am the next morning. Crazy shit... but true. I think he's hiding something to tell you the truth and he doesn't watn to tell me because it'll probably tear me all apart. But that's the thing. I want him to be open with me... I'll accept whatever he has to say whether it upsets me or not. I don't really care if he does to be quite frank with you. I'm actually quite used to it. It's just that last night... I found out he lied to me a while ago... but... it was in the past... shit happens life moves on. I love him... and you ALWAYS forgive the person you love.... whether it's relationship or family or whoever the person may be. I just wish he thought like that. I do love him... seriously I really do. I've seriously been a bitch to everyone lately and I think people realize now too... cause I got called a bitch today. I haven't gotten called that in a while. I used to be nice... now I'm just... bitchy. I'm telling you.. it's the keeping my feelings bottled up inside that's doing this. I stopped talking to my best friends about Alex... cause.... well.. they personally got sick of it. I mean what kind of "best friends" say they'll always be there for you and that I can talk to them about anything and then when I say something.. they say... "oh god can you please not mention his name anymore... it's over... get over it." sorry guys but that's really fucked up and does in fact hurt my feelings. Cause truely by saying that... you're not being there for me. Yeah and Vanessa is the only one that does actually listen... but when I tell her about things she hates him even more.. but that's better than not being there for me and I love her for that. She doesn't really hate HIM personally.. she just hates what he's doing and the fact that he won't give me a second chance. Maybe he's thinking about it.... personally I don't know... and neither does his best friend which is kind of weird. Alex is usually the type that ALWAYS knows what he wants... but only when he comes to me... he doesn't know?. And that's exactly what you called mixed emotions. Love is different then real life situations and that's what sucks. I'm going to give him time... as much time as he wants. I know / hope he comes around and realizes if he forgets about me... he'll regret it. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who showed him what it really feels like to be loved. I mean for crying out loud he told me he never loved anybody the way he loves me. Well... that was in the past. But that's something you can't take back. That sticks with a person forever. So if he didn't mean it... he shouldn't have said it. Cause that's what I always think about. All the things he said. And if he can't say the same things now then he so called "lied" but you don't see me bitching about it. He says those promises and stuff weren't lies... umm... actually... they really were. Cause he said it... and it MEANT something to me and I'm pretty sure it meant something to him. I know he'll realize something one day. I just have a feeling it's going to take a while. He's liking the single life right now. Nobody bitching at him or anything. I don't even bitch at him anymore. I actually don't really say anything. Yesterday was pretty weird. First time he signed off without saying bye. EVER. Whatever.. I won't get into that. Yeahhh... I'm going to go do homework cause I need my grades lifted up. Marking period ends Monday and I still have a chance to get B's in my classes. Lots of shit to do.
And seriously.... don't hate Alex. He's really an amazing person. Don't hate him for what he's doing to me. If you really knew him... you'd probably love him too. He's an amazing lovable person and I am so happy that I at least had a chance and great memories that I'll never forget with such an amazing / great / special / loving person. He was so good to me... and I'll never have anybody like that again. That's why he's everything to me and our memories will always be cherished and stay in my heart.... forever. I love him.