...and there's nothing left but shattered memories...

[poisonousxrose]

Wow.. I haven't updated in such a long ass time. Well... umm.. I don't really want to talk about Alex and me cause I don't want everybody hating him. But umm... yeah... everything's my fault. I'm the bitch as so I was told. And umm... well I'm the fuck up. Running away from home is NOT the way to solve all your problems. I think the only reason Alex and me have been falling apart and fighting so badly lately because we haven't actually hung out just him and me in like forever. I would love to sit down and just talk to him. I remember once when we went to the movies to watch Red Eye... I started crying towards the end cause he kissed me and we were on that "break" and that's when yeah.. he did care but now he's just making up excuses not to care. But anyway.. when we went to go see that movie.. at the end when I was crying Alex tried comforting me every way possible. It was very sweet, kind, loving and caring of him. And then we went outside and I just collapsed and started crying he got all mad about something and then sat down next to me and he just held me... and I just fell into his arms and started crying more and told him I didn't want to lose him and he said the same and I saw tears in his eyes so I wiped them away. And that's the person I fell in love with. The person with emotions and feelings... not someone who doesn't care about me anymore or how he makes me feel like shit or breaks my heart. I fell in love with someone completely different from who he's become. I want my old Alex back. And time and time again I've tried to bring back memories to him hoping maybe he would miss them or something.. but no. Nothing worked and nothing is ever going to work. I wonder if he actually sits down and thinks about him and me and like cries and misses me or whatever. But still acts like a jerk when he talks to me?. I don't get it.. does he take pride in making me depressed and because of him I have to go see a psychiatrist .. I don't feel like going to a psychologist. Talking to me isn't going to do shit. I'm depressed and I know it.. and I hate relying on medication to make me happy and normal but if it's what I need and have to do then it's what I have to do. I just want him to be happy and again and then I'll be happy. But no matter what.. I just keep fucking up and upsetting him. Ughh... I wish I could fulfill his needs like I used to. He doesn't even want to hang out with me anymore or see me. Nevermind coming over at night. Everytime we have plans HE cancels them cause I "supposedly" piss him off for talking to my guy friends. I don't know. I know he still loves me. I don't care if he says he's not sure. It's impossible for him not to love me after all we've been through. Fuck that man. I know he does. Everything he ever did for me.. to me... was all out of love. He just has to still love me. I know he does.. I just know it. Something still tells me not to give up because he does truely love me. It's like in the movies. The couple break up.. they tell each other they've moved on... but they really haven't and they live on thinking the other person moved on and they're still in love with the other. And somehow in the end they find out they still love each other from a tragic incident and fall back in love with each other and get back together. Well... if that happens to me..that tragic incident will just be death. If I seriously keep this up... guys you won't be seeing me in the long run. I'll be dead this time. Not just in the hospital.. but in the morgue [sp?] section. And that's why I'm going to a psychiatrist.. I can't stress anymore.. I don't want to kill myself unintentionally over a heart break that I'll never get over. I may have lost him forever... I may have not. I just miss him and want him back in my arms. When I was in the hospital for this past week... all I wanted was for him to be right there by my side holding my hand telling me everything will be ok. I remember he used to get so fucking worried about me being sick. What happened to that?. I don't understand... I seriously try to see it through his eyes but I just can't... he's changed and the only way he'll ever change back is if HE wants to. And I'm pretty sure he's liking his single life partying every weekend. Who am I kidding.. he doesn't need me anymore... he's got everything he wants... he's fucking living in Heaven right now with his sweet life. While I'm living in a rut being heartbroken and keep removing shit off my walls and putting it back up... deciding whether I should really move on or not. I know the right thing to do is to move on. But if loving him and wanting to be with him is wrong... then I don't want to go right. He's my everything. Or what he used to be is. I have to stop living in the past though... this is present and if I would have met him now.. I probably wouldn't like him. I thought people mature as they get older not get immature and act like they're so stoical towards everything. I fucking hate that. I wish I had a time machine so I could just rewind and stop him from breaking up with me that day. I could have done it.. cause he loved me a lot 4 weeks ago. Just to think I still had him 4 weeks ago. I did. I need to stop.. I'm starting to cry again. And I thought I was all cried out. Hah... funny... whatever... fuck it... I'm used to being treated like shit.... nothing else to do.. but wait I guess. And call me retarded cause I know I am. ='[

I love you so fucking much Alex Artishenko Junior.
Please think about what you're doing... you were the one who told me you never wanted to break up and that you would always be in love with me. We were so in love... and now... I'm the one who's still in love. You're in love with your freedom life now. Be free Alex... just like a butterfly. So precious and free... just like you. I love you teddy bear. ='[
<3 Always & Forever For All Eternity <3