(no subject)
Dear Occupant:
You’ve been pre-approved! What does that mean? Let us tell you.
Just the other day, we were sitting around asking ourselves, “Where are we going to find exactly the kind of person we need?” This was a hard question, because our standards and specifications are stringent. We spent weeks asking ourselves this question. We got sick of looking at one another because we were meeting so often with the same people and asking the same question over and over. One of us started to ridicule another one of us for his slight Midwestern “twang.” Another one of us broke down sobbing. It was a trying period. There were some pretty heated confrontations in there, let me tell you! Some of us didn’t make it.
But, finally, after countless cups of coffee and cigarettes and frantic phone calls and consultations and trips to the bathroom and looking things up in the dictionary and the thesaurus and just throwing our hands up in despair, we came up with somebody. And that somebody just happened to be someone you know-you!
We know you. You are a person who appreciates life. You know how to savor the little things. You know how a good bowl of chicken soup is supposed to taste, and you’re not settling for crap. What is this? Take it away and bring me some real soup. I don’t drink dishwater. Now go! You’ve said that more than once.
You appreciate the opposite sex. You like them as people, and you hate it when they are treated as one-dimensional objects. They’re not playthings. You hate the way they can bump into a “glass ceiling” sometimes. You hate unfairness. You’ve hated it since you were a child. Life is too short for a playing field that is not precisely level. It makes you upset if anyone even alludes to it. Because you know that a member of the opposite sex is a three-dimensional being whose features are composed in a pleasant way. A way that you find exciting. And you’re not ashamed of that.
We know what kinds of actions you like to take. We don’t have to spell things out for you. We don’t think that you are the sort of person who wants everything explained. Because you already know a whole lot. You couldn’t even get everything you know into a book. Forget about books-you couldn’t get everything you know into a room. Unless the room is really pretty big, like a garage.
We’re not limiting you. Limits aren’t for you. Even the sky isn’t your limit. That’s why we know you’re going to take advantage of our one-time offer to consolidate all of your credit-card debt into one account with one easy-to-remember card. And your wallet is going to have that “sleek” look that the wallets owned by so many of the truly knowledgeable people have.
That look isn’t for everyone. Most people have huge bulgy wallets with stuff sticking out. They can’t even take their wallets out of their pockets without a bunch of lint and gum wrappers coming out with them. They look like such idiots when they do that. They look, truth be told, like they have brain damage. Like they need someone to go with them and open the door for them and remind them to pay for things before they walk out with a bunch of stuff and get arrested. Frankly, that’s what they deserve. Some hard prison time. Maybe that will straighten them out. It can’t hurt.
They just can’t own up to it, though. They say their mother never taught them the right way to act. Then they go and blame it on her. That is pathetic.
You’re not like that, and I and the other people here would just like to say that we appreciate people like you. You’re a breed apart. You’re going to be enjoying zero-per-cent interest for the first six months. Then you will have a truly great variable rate of 9.4 per cent. But those bulgy-wallet people won’t. May they rot in Hell. We hate to use language like that, but sometimes it just fits. This really couldn’t happen to a better person. God didn’t make many of you. We mean that.
You’ve been pre-approved! What does that mean? Let us tell you.
Just the other day, we were sitting around asking ourselves, “Where are we going to find exactly the kind of person we need?” This was a hard question, because our standards and specifications are stringent. We spent weeks asking ourselves this question. We got sick of looking at one another because we were meeting so often with the same people and asking the same question over and over. One of us started to ridicule another one of us for his slight Midwestern “twang.” Another one of us broke down sobbing. It was a trying period. There were some pretty heated confrontations in there, let me tell you! Some of us didn’t make it.
But, finally, after countless cups of coffee and cigarettes and frantic phone calls and consultations and trips to the bathroom and looking things up in the dictionary and the thesaurus and just throwing our hands up in despair, we came up with somebody. And that somebody just happened to be someone you know-you!
We know you. You are a person who appreciates life. You know how to savor the little things. You know how a good bowl of chicken soup is supposed to taste, and you’re not settling for crap. What is this? Take it away and bring me some real soup. I don’t drink dishwater. Now go! You’ve said that more than once.
You appreciate the opposite sex. You like them as people, and you hate it when they are treated as one-dimensional objects. They’re not playthings. You hate the way they can bump into a “glass ceiling” sometimes. You hate unfairness. You’ve hated it since you were a child. Life is too short for a playing field that is not precisely level. It makes you upset if anyone even alludes to it. Because you know that a member of the opposite sex is a three-dimensional being whose features are composed in a pleasant way. A way that you find exciting. And you’re not ashamed of that.
We know what kinds of actions you like to take. We don’t have to spell things out for you. We don’t think that you are the sort of person who wants everything explained. Because you already know a whole lot. You couldn’t even get everything you know into a book. Forget about books-you couldn’t get everything you know into a room. Unless the room is really pretty big, like a garage.
We’re not limiting you. Limits aren’t for you. Even the sky isn’t your limit. That’s why we know you’re going to take advantage of our one-time offer to consolidate all of your credit-card debt into one account with one easy-to-remember card. And your wallet is going to have that “sleek” look that the wallets owned by so many of the truly knowledgeable people have.
That look isn’t for everyone. Most people have huge bulgy wallets with stuff sticking out. They can’t even take their wallets out of their pockets without a bunch of lint and gum wrappers coming out with them. They look like such idiots when they do that. They look, truth be told, like they have brain damage. Like they need someone to go with them and open the door for them and remind them to pay for things before they walk out with a bunch of stuff and get arrested. Frankly, that’s what they deserve. Some hard prison time. Maybe that will straighten them out. It can’t hurt.
They just can’t own up to it, though. They say their mother never taught them the right way to act. Then they go and blame it on her. That is pathetic.
You’re not like that, and I and the other people here would just like to say that we appreciate people like you. You’re a breed apart. You’re going to be enjoying zero-per-cent interest for the first six months. Then you will have a truly great variable rate of 9.4 per cent. But those bulgy-wallet people won’t. May they rot in Hell. We hate to use language like that, but sometimes it just fits. This really couldn’t happen to a better person. God didn’t make many of you. We mean that.