Under the Stars, the Desert - 03.07.06
What a weekend. Damn glad it's Tuesday. Damn glad I raided Saturday's kitchen when I did. Without that, I wouldn't have been there for Jou when the shit started to hit the fan. I swear to Christ, I knew it was going to be a tense day, but god damn... I was expecting Seers more than Awakened self-mutilation-fest... what a day. I just sat there. I didn't know more than half the people perching at the table, but I knew a good number of them were werewolves and that meant I didn't want to know them. Stick to my neck of the woods, thank you. I've had too many damn weird and fucked up 'adventures' with vampires. Fuck that werewolf shit.
And that's when they started going on about babies. I had no fuckin' idea Smoke had that many kids. I guess that was dumb considering the quantity of fucking he does. I mean seriously, consider the ratio.
Anyway, so they're practically screaming about kids and considering what Jou told me about a month ago, I knew a few darts were about to hit somewhere on the board. I was trying to keep my gaze evenly spread between Smoke, Sunny, and Jou, but as soon as that shit started I saw Jou's hand at her mouth - her eyes gauzing over in thought. I know that look too well. She's biting her fingers a bit and she's really damn still. The dam is cracking and I know I've got to get her outta there. She a damn strong, damn fine woman, but there are times you gotta let yourself be weak. It's hard, but it's true.
We get about halfway through the room when she starts breaking. You don't run when that happens. It draws more attention. You just keep walking and eventually you find the sun or you find the shadow you're casting and sometimes you need one more than the other. Just depends on the line you're walking. She tells me a little more about the babe she lost, about Honey and how she's tryin' to help. She's got a good heart. Really good heart. Makes me wonder sometimes why she hangs with me. I know I need the balance; in her, in Mouse, in Sunny. Gotta have the light as much as the shadow.
Well, after all that's said, I can't hold it anymore. I'm fuckin' ticked and it's not so much at any one person, but what lies between them. I've never felt more like an old jewish woman than moments like this, but fuck it, someone needs to say somethin'. May as well be me. I'm easy to take it any way you look at it; that evil bitch Eve's daughter, Free Council, street trash twice cycled, and death warmed over.
I take a moment to check in with Mouse via web-link and she's cool, out fuckin' around in the woods with some Abyss portal, but you know, whatever. So I go in there and drag the sorry son of a bitch out. He's all the guardian at first - where's Sunny, where's Sunny, etc - and then I just lay into him. It harsh, and he doesn't want to hear some of it, tryin' to brush it off as bullshit but I'd like to think some of the things I'm sayin' are getting to the meat of him, and I don't mean his dick. He's turning away from me, fighting what I'm saying. And then things get quiet.
It's always strange when he gets quiet. It's like standing in the middle of a storm and you can see all the shit flying around you, but you don't hear any of it. Maybe you're goin' deaf, or maybe that center of the storm is just that quiet. You just gotta be determined enough to make it through the bullshit and you'll find a man there. That's Smoke to me. You fight your way past his bullshit storm and in the middle you'll find him, in the eye. Always the window of the soul. Not a door. Just a window. And sometimes that's enough. It's just too bad most people are never brave enough or stupid enough to make their way into that. And then maybe they're lucky, because once you hit the middle, it only holds for so long before you're sweeping to the outside again.
He's just so damn lost. And I can't tell him how to find his way out, I can only help him fight to it. But there's a lot of exits on this highway.
And you know, I don't even know why I'm still being sentimental about all this. After the fight he and I had, I should be at his throat, but I can't bring myself to do it. And maybe I just don't want to admit that... well, it's not fuckin' important anyway. I'm here in the desert again.
Randy didn't lie. He turns off that rig of his and the world goes quiet and there's nothing but us and the stars out in the barrens of the west. It's a nice view for what it's worth and we've got a little more time before we hit Vegas and I have to work again.
I shouldn't even be going on about all this, but I find I wander in those stars as much as myself. All this new information about the Seers. I'm trying to get it out there. And that's all well and good, but god damn if there isn't a part of me that's waiting for something to go wrong. I can feel it. It's waiting for me out there. It was all so easy for me to hack. So easy that the computer was there for Mouse to take and give to me. All of it so easy, and maybe I'm just that good. Or maybe... and this is just the really fucked up part of me talking, but one that is too fuckin' right sometimes... maybe this is all planted. Maybe they want us to think all this. Think that we've been sold out. Think that a way to the Supernal might exist. Believe all of this shit I've exposed.
But it all makes so much sense. It all fits so well. But what if I'm wrong? What if I've jinxed it? It only takes one card to have the rest of the house come tumbling down, and it's not just my shoulders this is on, it's the Free too. The odds are stacking against us for no good reason.
And if I didn't tell them and then it all turned out to be just as it said? What is the bigger crime?
What the hell am I saying? Fuck it. It's going to be one way or the other. I didn't want to die without scars anyway and I've got a damn fine cowboy to ride tonight. So let's save the horses and jackasses for tomorrow.
Live hard, Die young. Saddle up, bitches.
And that's when they started going on about babies. I had no fuckin' idea Smoke had that many kids. I guess that was dumb considering the quantity of fucking he does. I mean seriously, consider the ratio.
Anyway, so they're practically screaming about kids and considering what Jou told me about a month ago, I knew a few darts were about to hit somewhere on the board. I was trying to keep my gaze evenly spread between Smoke, Sunny, and Jou, but as soon as that shit started I saw Jou's hand at her mouth - her eyes gauzing over in thought. I know that look too well. She's biting her fingers a bit and she's really damn still. The dam is cracking and I know I've got to get her outta there. She a damn strong, damn fine woman, but there are times you gotta let yourself be weak. It's hard, but it's true.
We get about halfway through the room when she starts breaking. You don't run when that happens. It draws more attention. You just keep walking and eventually you find the sun or you find the shadow you're casting and sometimes you need one more than the other. Just depends on the line you're walking. She tells me a little more about the babe she lost, about Honey and how she's tryin' to help. She's got a good heart. Really good heart. Makes me wonder sometimes why she hangs with me. I know I need the balance; in her, in Mouse, in Sunny. Gotta have the light as much as the shadow.
Well, after all that's said, I can't hold it anymore. I'm fuckin' ticked and it's not so much at any one person, but what lies between them. I've never felt more like an old jewish woman than moments like this, but fuck it, someone needs to say somethin'. May as well be me. I'm easy to take it any way you look at it; that evil bitch Eve's daughter, Free Council, street trash twice cycled, and death warmed over.
I take a moment to check in with Mouse via web-link and she's cool, out fuckin' around in the woods with some Abyss portal, but you know, whatever. So I go in there and drag the sorry son of a bitch out. He's all the guardian at first - where's Sunny, where's Sunny, etc - and then I just lay into him. It harsh, and he doesn't want to hear some of it, tryin' to brush it off as bullshit but I'd like to think some of the things I'm sayin' are getting to the meat of him, and I don't mean his dick. He's turning away from me, fighting what I'm saying. And then things get quiet.
It's always strange when he gets quiet. It's like standing in the middle of a storm and you can see all the shit flying around you, but you don't hear any of it. Maybe you're goin' deaf, or maybe that center of the storm is just that quiet. You just gotta be determined enough to make it through the bullshit and you'll find a man there. That's Smoke to me. You fight your way past his bullshit storm and in the middle you'll find him, in the eye. Always the window of the soul. Not a door. Just a window. And sometimes that's enough. It's just too bad most people are never brave enough or stupid enough to make their way into that. And then maybe they're lucky, because once you hit the middle, it only holds for so long before you're sweeping to the outside again.
He's just so damn lost. And I can't tell him how to find his way out, I can only help him fight to it. But there's a lot of exits on this highway.
And you know, I don't even know why I'm still being sentimental about all this. After the fight he and I had, I should be at his throat, but I can't bring myself to do it. And maybe I just don't want to admit that... well, it's not fuckin' important anyway. I'm here in the desert again.
Randy didn't lie. He turns off that rig of his and the world goes quiet and there's nothing but us and the stars out in the barrens of the west. It's a nice view for what it's worth and we've got a little more time before we hit Vegas and I have to work again.
I shouldn't even be going on about all this, but I find I wander in those stars as much as myself. All this new information about the Seers. I'm trying to get it out there. And that's all well and good, but god damn if there isn't a part of me that's waiting for something to go wrong. I can feel it. It's waiting for me out there. It was all so easy for me to hack. So easy that the computer was there for Mouse to take and give to me. All of it so easy, and maybe I'm just that good. Or maybe... and this is just the really fucked up part of me talking, but one that is too fuckin' right sometimes... maybe this is all planted. Maybe they want us to think all this. Think that we've been sold out. Think that a way to the Supernal might exist. Believe all of this shit I've exposed.
But it all makes so much sense. It all fits so well. But what if I'm wrong? What if I've jinxed it? It only takes one card to have the rest of the house come tumbling down, and it's not just my shoulders this is on, it's the Free too. The odds are stacking against us for no good reason.
And if I didn't tell them and then it all turned out to be just as it said? What is the bigger crime?
What the hell am I saying? Fuck it. It's going to be one way or the other. I didn't want to die without scars anyway and I've got a damn fine cowboy to ride tonight. So let's save the horses and jackasses for tomorrow.
Live hard, Die young. Saddle up, bitches.