Breanna
Okay so I'm trying! I've been avoiding the computer lately. Not on purpose, just because I got this new iPhone and it has the internet so it's just incentive to not get on the actual computer. But I can't update LJ from it because it's just too much typing.
Anyways, I guess the only thing I can think of right now is to update about what happened almost two years ago. I may have made some entries a long time ago mentioning my best friend Breanna. I'm sure I did, I loved her so much, she was the first real friend I had met. It was the unconditional friendship, where you can fuck up but no matter what you're still there for each other. All my life I had been searching for a friend like that, and somebody I could know for more than two years. I have been moving since I was 7 years old, every two years. Until North Carolina. Now I hate North Carolina, I don't like it at all. But I've been here for almost 5 years now and I've been able to make friendships with people that I can say I've known for a few years. Not all of those have lasted, but just the experience. I always wanted to have that friend that I could say, "Oh I've known him/her since I was little".
Breanna was that person I thought I would be saying that about. But on March 15, 2007 Breanna hung herself. She was my best friend. I met her in 8th grade and we were attached at the hip. The last few months of her life, though, we were kind of apart. I was going to a different school than her, but we always found a way to see each other, even though her step dad didn't like me. It made it a little harder. March 9, 2007 Breanna turned 16. And we were almost to prom! We were going to be each others prom dates, fuck guys. Girls just wanna have fun, right? We planned it and thought about it nonstop. After she was gone I even found a little note hidden in my journal from her, saying how it was going to be one of those key moments in our friendship. But that never happened. After her birthday things started going downwards for her. She had broken up with her boyfriend of almost two years and everyone she was close to at her school were turning on her. She was also depressed and had a slight case of schizophrenia. She ended up running away and called me to come pick her up. That night is something I regret most of all. I was so high that I barely payed any attention to her. She took a bath and when she came out she told me that she thought about killing herself in there. I think what I said was that she needed to shut the fuck up because I didn't want to hear about my best friend wanting to kill herself. I regret that. She had cuts all over her arms and while I laid in bed she went to talk to my mom, asking her to call her parents and ask them for help. To help her, to put her on medication, to put her in the hospital, something, anything. Breanna spent the night that night and in the morning before school I hugged her and told her I loved her and that I'd see her later. That was the last thing I ever said to her. I remember going to Birkdale on March 14 and I saw one of her friends, Kirstie. She was with her girlfriend and some other girl who had claimed to be close to Breanna. Kirstie came up to me and started cracking her knuckles, like she was going to hit me. I think I had some sort of advantage because I was high and I didn't really understand what was going on but I couldn't feel anything either. When Kirstie swung at me, she missed and then she swung again and we started to fight. Once we got pulled apart she yelled at me that that was because of my "bitch of a best friend!". I was so confused, I didn't know what had happened that day between her and Bre. Later I found out that Breanna had told Kirstie's girlfriend that Kirstie and her had made out or what have you. So Kirstie got mad and tried to hurt Breanna by hurting me. That night I tried and tried to call Breanna. I don't usually call her house because I'm not allowed to but I called. I wanted to know what the fuck just happened. And why it happened. I never got a hold of her, though. The next day I went to school, just like every other normal day, and about halfway into the day I got called into my Guidance Counselor's office. She was talking to me about my credits and stuff and I bought it. What was really happening was that she was stalling until my parents got there. The next part was probably the worst moment of my life. My mom and dad walked in and my mom was crying. My dad looked like he was about to cry to. I asked my mom what was wrong and she barely got out that Breanna had killed herself. At first I thought it was a sick joke. I told her repeatedly that she didn't, that she was wrong. And then I broke. Everything in my life started falling away, spiraling out. I felt dead, like nothing would ever be okay again.
It'll be two years on March 15, 2009. After she died I went out of control. I slept with maybe 3 guys in one week... because I thought it would make me feel something. Anything. I just wanted to feel something. When that didn't work, I started getting high everyday and staying out all night. My parents went out of town for their anniversary and I only went to school once that week. I would go out and smoke all night with my friend Corey and then sleep all day, and repeat. I finally went to school after about three days and after first period I got called into the cafeteria and got arrested. I had violated my probation by not showing up to school. I was in juvey for a week, until my parents got back. After that I continued going down, down, down. I began dating a boy who turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. I think I clung to him so hard because I needed someone. I needed someone to lean on, someone to trust, someone to love. But it was all bad. We smoked everyday and drank almost every weekend. I finally broke up with him almost a year later, which will be about a year ago in April. After I broke up with him, my life seemed to get back on track. I was taking control of my own life again, as well as my emotions.
I think I already posted what happened after that.
I didn't post this for pity. I posted it because I've been MIA a lot in the past couple years. Nobody really knows what happened, aside from James and Eva. And it's almost been two years so now is as good of time as any, right? So there you have it. I think in order for me to start posting somewhat regularly I needed to get that off my chest.
I feel better now.
Anyways, I guess the only thing I can think of right now is to update about what happened almost two years ago. I may have made some entries a long time ago mentioning my best friend Breanna. I'm sure I did, I loved her so much, she was the first real friend I had met. It was the unconditional friendship, where you can fuck up but no matter what you're still there for each other. All my life I had been searching for a friend like that, and somebody I could know for more than two years. I have been moving since I was 7 years old, every two years. Until North Carolina. Now I hate North Carolina, I don't like it at all. But I've been here for almost 5 years now and I've been able to make friendships with people that I can say I've known for a few years. Not all of those have lasted, but just the experience. I always wanted to have that friend that I could say, "Oh I've known him/her since I was little".
Breanna was that person I thought I would be saying that about. But on March 15, 2007 Breanna hung herself. She was my best friend. I met her in 8th grade and we were attached at the hip. The last few months of her life, though, we were kind of apart. I was going to a different school than her, but we always found a way to see each other, even though her step dad didn't like me. It made it a little harder. March 9, 2007 Breanna turned 16. And we were almost to prom! We were going to be each others prom dates, fuck guys. Girls just wanna have fun, right? We planned it and thought about it nonstop. After she was gone I even found a little note hidden in my journal from her, saying how it was going to be one of those key moments in our friendship. But that never happened. After her birthday things started going downwards for her. She had broken up with her boyfriend of almost two years and everyone she was close to at her school were turning on her. She was also depressed and had a slight case of schizophrenia. She ended up running away and called me to come pick her up. That night is something I regret most of all. I was so high that I barely payed any attention to her. She took a bath and when she came out she told me that she thought about killing herself in there. I think what I said was that she needed to shut the fuck up because I didn't want to hear about my best friend wanting to kill herself. I regret that. She had cuts all over her arms and while I laid in bed she went to talk to my mom, asking her to call her parents and ask them for help. To help her, to put her on medication, to put her in the hospital, something, anything. Breanna spent the night that night and in the morning before school I hugged her and told her I loved her and that I'd see her later. That was the last thing I ever said to her. I remember going to Birkdale on March 14 and I saw one of her friends, Kirstie. She was with her girlfriend and some other girl who had claimed to be close to Breanna. Kirstie came up to me and started cracking her knuckles, like she was going to hit me. I think I had some sort of advantage because I was high and I didn't really understand what was going on but I couldn't feel anything either. When Kirstie swung at me, she missed and then she swung again and we started to fight. Once we got pulled apart she yelled at me that that was because of my "bitch of a best friend!". I was so confused, I didn't know what had happened that day between her and Bre. Later I found out that Breanna had told Kirstie's girlfriend that Kirstie and her had made out or what have you. So Kirstie got mad and tried to hurt Breanna by hurting me. That night I tried and tried to call Breanna. I don't usually call her house because I'm not allowed to but I called. I wanted to know what the fuck just happened. And why it happened. I never got a hold of her, though. The next day I went to school, just like every other normal day, and about halfway into the day I got called into my Guidance Counselor's office. She was talking to me about my credits and stuff and I bought it. What was really happening was that she was stalling until my parents got there. The next part was probably the worst moment of my life. My mom and dad walked in and my mom was crying. My dad looked like he was about to cry to. I asked my mom what was wrong and she barely got out that Breanna had killed herself. At first I thought it was a sick joke. I told her repeatedly that she didn't, that she was wrong. And then I broke. Everything in my life started falling away, spiraling out. I felt dead, like nothing would ever be okay again.
It'll be two years on March 15, 2009. After she died I went out of control. I slept with maybe 3 guys in one week... because I thought it would make me feel something. Anything. I just wanted to feel something. When that didn't work, I started getting high everyday and staying out all night. My parents went out of town for their anniversary and I only went to school once that week. I would go out and smoke all night with my friend Corey and then sleep all day, and repeat. I finally went to school after about three days and after first period I got called into the cafeteria and got arrested. I had violated my probation by not showing up to school. I was in juvey for a week, until my parents got back. After that I continued going down, down, down. I began dating a boy who turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. I think I clung to him so hard because I needed someone. I needed someone to lean on, someone to trust, someone to love. But it was all bad. We smoked everyday and drank almost every weekend. I finally broke up with him almost a year later, which will be about a year ago in April. After I broke up with him, my life seemed to get back on track. I was taking control of my own life again, as well as my emotions.
I think I already posted what happened after that.
I didn't post this for pity. I posted it because I've been MIA a lot in the past couple years. Nobody really knows what happened, aside from James and Eva. And it's almost been two years so now is as good of time as any, right? So there you have it. I think in order for me to start posting somewhat regularly I needed to get that off my chest.
I feel better now.