I try
I know that I can be difficult. I try not to ask for too much. I rarely ask for favors. I rarely ask for anything. Usually because when I do I end up getting really upset and sad and pissed off at the world and at everyone who can't lift a finger to do anything for me. At work everyone helps each other when people need coverage for shifts. Not me. The only thing that got offered to me was to give up my four hour friday night shift (which I need gone) to work the next day - which is a Saturday which would have been part of my ONLY weekend off since school started - for eight hours. I took it, because I need the Friday gone. But I just can't do it. My stomach and my classes and papers and tests and the GRE and graduate school applications and letters of recommendation. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
Can anyone just do one damn thing for me? Why can't anyone stand up? Why can't anyone offer me a little respect and kindness? Sometimes it feels like I'm so alone that I can't breathe. No one really thinks about me. No one really does anything for me. None of it is real.
I am so unhappy here. I know I can't or shouldn't graduate early but I'd give almost anything, at this moment, to just peace out and drive over to California and beg at some admissions official's door to let me in. Let me stay. Get me away from these place and these people who almost always disappoint. Why can't I find good people with whom I can surround myself? People who really care. Who would take a Friday night shift for me no questions asked because it would help me out. Who wouldn't let me stand in a room where everyone else is sitting and turn their back on me. Who would take care with my things and ask if there's anything they could do to help even if there isn't.
I want to shut myself in a cocoon of blankets and cry myself to sleep in my bed. But if I do that, then tomorrow will come faster. And I'll have to wake up and go to work and stand there and worry about everything I still haven't done- outline my Race readings. Read my French story. Read Portrait of the Artist. Write an essay for Prof. Berman. Finish my Statement of Purpose. Decide where I'm applying to Grad School. Put together packets for my recommenders. Cry. Because it never ends. I'm overwhelmed and I can't breathe and it's like everyone's getting so sick of me being so overwhelmed that when I mention it I get annoyed stares and shrugs and brushed off. Why can't I find something someone real? Someone to care that I'm sinking and I can't stop and I can't stand this anymore. It's too much.
And right now I have no one. Not a single person that I feel like I could call or go to or on whose shoulder I could cry.
Now what?
Can anyone just do one damn thing for me? Why can't anyone stand up? Why can't anyone offer me a little respect and kindness? Sometimes it feels like I'm so alone that I can't breathe. No one really thinks about me. No one really does anything for me. None of it is real.
I am so unhappy here. I know I can't or shouldn't graduate early but I'd give almost anything, at this moment, to just peace out and drive over to California and beg at some admissions official's door to let me in. Let me stay. Get me away from these place and these people who almost always disappoint. Why can't I find good people with whom I can surround myself? People who really care. Who would take a Friday night shift for me no questions asked because it would help me out. Who wouldn't let me stand in a room where everyone else is sitting and turn their back on me. Who would take care with my things and ask if there's anything they could do to help even if there isn't.
I want to shut myself in a cocoon of blankets and cry myself to sleep in my bed. But if I do that, then tomorrow will come faster. And I'll have to wake up and go to work and stand there and worry about everything I still haven't done- outline my Race readings. Read my French story. Read Portrait of the Artist. Write an essay for Prof. Berman. Finish my Statement of Purpose. Decide where I'm applying to Grad School. Put together packets for my recommenders. Cry. Because it never ends. I'm overwhelmed and I can't breathe and it's like everyone's getting so sick of me being so overwhelmed that when I mention it I get annoyed stares and shrugs and brushed off. Why can't I find something someone real? Someone to care that I'm sinking and I can't stop and I can't stand this anymore. It's too much.
And right now I have no one. Not a single person that I feel like I could call or go to or on whose shoulder I could cry.
Now what?