indecision
so i wanna persue things w/ andrew... at least see where it would go, but on the other hand, im not lookin for the drama that goes along w/ a relationship. A. i dont wanna get hurt, and B. its stress and makes me worry about stuff and clouds my mind w/ thoughts that dont exactly help me focus on the rest of my life. not to say that being in a relationship is bad, but im just not sure if i wanna deal with it rite now. so ya... im interested in andrew. last time, we both jumped in, and found reasons to run away. now things are really over w/ garett... im not lookin for someone to take my mind off of him cuz i dont need that... i needed it b4 cuz it was me tryin to do what i knew i had to do outta nowhere. this time i had a reason and anger. im happy just doin my own thing, not havin to worry about whats goin on w/ anyone else but me and my friends, work, school, and my trip. its such a weight lifted, i feel free. im not thinkin about it, and im not sad about it. i know the benefits of being w/ someone... feelin loved and cared for. i want that, but at the same time, i dont want the drama that goes with it... like worrying where that person is, what they're doin, why they didnt call u back, wondering when they're gonna call u back, wondering if they're waitin for you to call them... hangin out, wanting to hang out, wondering if you're hangin out too much... kissing, money and dating, sex... and whatever is specific to that person. one thing w/ andrew is that its been a while for him. hes got great potential to be a good bf, im pretty sure of this, but the fact that he hasnt had sex for a while, hes antsy, and im not in a rush. hed wait for me i think... he seems like he would. i dont think hed pressure me or anything, but its just that i dont wanna have to tell him no, wait... all the time. id feel guilty and dont want him to feel bad or rejected, but hes gotta realize im not gonna just do something cuz someone else wants me to. he needs to be honest w/ daniel so that damn boy doesnt expect him to say stupid "single guy" shit. that pisses me off. and the drinkin... he goes out w/ his single buddies... totally fine but as long as he can be trusted. i think he can. but im not gonna worry about it til i get back. til then it'll just be like whatever. flirt? ya. start some kinda bf/gf thing? probably not. im sure i'll be closer to him than any other guy, but we'll just leave it at that with intentions when i get back to see whats there... if anything is still there. at this point ya, i hope something works out btwn us, but if not, thats fine. im not about to ask him to wait for me til i get back. if he meets someome, thats fine. my guy's out there, and if not right now, then later. i dont wanna fall for someone who isnt real or worth it, so im gonna keep my heart under lock n key til im sure that ive met someone worth it. its an awesome feeling.