Love Less, Part II-A
Title: Love Less
Author: poetzproblem
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Quinn Fabray, Rachel Berry
Word Count: ~8,500
Rating: T
Summary: Quinn has less than a month before Rachel leaves for New York and starts meeting new people, and making new friends, and dating again; all while Quinn is eighty miles away in New Haven. She really wants to start fresh at Yale, and give herself a real, fighting chance at happiness, and that means finally being honest-with everyone-even if it takes one more little deception to get there.
Author's Note: My thanks to TS for the prompt.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or the characters, I just like to play with them…strictly non-profit.
Part II: Resolution
Life can change in a moment. Quinn has learned this lesson repeatedly. One moment, one too many drinks, one mistake in judgment, one bottle of hair dye, one cigarette, one tattoo, one text message.
One application for Friendzone.
Quinn doesn't watch the episode when it airs in October-there's no reason when she experienced the real-time version of it. She knows that some of her friends watched it right away by the incredulous messages posted on her Facebook. Mercedes thinks it's all an elaborate joke, and leaves three messages to that effect before she finally gives up and asks 'why Rachel, of all people.' Kurt apologizes for telling her back in February that she didn't understand true despair, nine months too late in her opinion, before he stupidly welcomes her to the 'club.'
Sam comments that their whole relationship suddenly makes sense to him. Joe apologizes for his inappropriate advances. Puck is surprisingly less crude than she'd expected, all things considered, and tells her that it kind of makes sense now why she never really wanted to give him another go in the sack. (Neither of them mentions her temporary bout of insanity last fall.)
Quinn is endlessly grateful that there are no television, phone, or computer privileges allowed in boot camp. If anyone has bothered to inform Finn that his ex-girlfriend appeared on television to proclaim her love for his ex-fiancée, at least he hasn't wasted what little downtime he does have on sending off some illegible letter full of insults and whining about how Quinn is always trying to hurt him.
Santana offers words of encouragement, and promises that it really does get better. She's been repeating different versions of the same sentiment since Lucas and his crew packed up and left Lima for their next destination, and the next poor person hoping to change their title from friend to lover. In true Santana fashion, her support comes wrapped in colorful euphemisms, but Quinn takes comfort in her words anyway, feeling oddly settled in the knowledge that one relationship in her life will never change.
Judy Fabray calls six days after the show airs, and Quinn is honestly impressed that it even took that long for the news to find its way to her.
She's livid; absolutely horrified that Quinn would go on television and proclaim to the world that she's in love with another woman. Quinn sits stonily on her little twin bed in New Haven, and stares unblinkingly at the wall as her mother yells about her reputation, and cries about Quinn's inconsideration. Judy is angry. Judy is embarrassed. Judy is afraid to answer her phone because all of Lima is gossiping about her.
Quinn cries silently and waits to be disowned. Waits to lose the only family she has left. Waits to be told that she's a sinner.
"Why did you have to come out so publicly, Quinn?" Judy cries. "Why couldn't you have just kept it quiet?"
Quinn presses a fist to her mouth, stifling a sob. "I'm tired of pretending," she manages to choke through the tears that burn in her throat and sting her eyes. "I wanted everyone to know who I really am."
Judy doesn't say another word, but Quinn can hear her crying through the phone. She doesn't hang up, and neither does Quinn. She's afraid that the moment the call disconnects, she'll no longer have a mother.
She's not entirely unprepared for this moment. She has a job in the campus bookstore, and she's quietly made some inquiries into possible additional financial aid. Her first semester tuition is paid, and she has enough money saved to make it to her second without starving. She's fairly certain that she can find a way to finance her next semester. It will be hard, and she'll be on a tight budget, and she'll probably need to find another job that she can work on weekends, but she's determined to stay in college. If she can get up and out a wheelchair in three months, she can sure as hell find a way to graduate from Yale.
Judy sniffles across the line, and Quinn hears some shuffling before her mother finally speaks again. "We'll discuss this further when you come home next month."
Quinn catches her breath, "You...you still want me to come home?"
She hears a frustrated sigh, "Of course I do. You're my daughter, Quinnie," she sobs again, "I may be very angry and disappointed with you right now, but I still love you."
Quinn's tears come harder, and it takes her a moment to be able to speak around the tightness in her chest, "I...I love you, too, mom."
"Please don't come home with a buzz cut, or any more tattoos."
Quinn chuckles through her tears, "I won't. I promise."
When she disconnects the call, she feels lighter than she has in-well, her whole life, really. She doesn't even remember a time when her shoulders weren't tight with tension, and her mind filled with countless lists of dos and don'ts, constantly calculating every word and every step and every smile to make sure that no one would ever see the scared little girl underneath her façade.
For the first time, she's been stripped bare, and there's nothing left to hide from anyone anymore, and she feels-God, she feels free.
Quinn wipes away her tears and inhales deeply. Exhales.
Breathes freely. Finally.
xox
Thanksgiving break begins after her last class on November sixteenth. Quinn considers not going home right away, but she hasn't seen her mother since she'd moved into the dorms, and their telephone conversations since the big reveal have been short and stilted, covering the basics of health, grades and finances. Judy can't bring herself to ask about Quinn's personal life, and Quinn doesn't volunteer any information. Going home to Lima is going to be a strange, uncomfortable thing, but it has to be done.
The good thing about Yale's Thanksgiving break is that it starts early enough that Quinn will be able to get a jump on the heaviest of the travel madness. She packs a little bag, mostly filled with her basic necessities and a few books-also basic necessities for Quinn-because she has enough clothes left at home to get her through the week. She shares a cab to the airport just outside of Hartford with her roommate, Leslie, who's flying back to Pittsburgh.
Quinn told Leslie the second day they'd roomed together that she likes girls, and Leslie had just shrugged and told her, "cool with me, but just so you know, I'm only into guys; preferably wealthy ones." Quinn doesn't really think of herself as a lesbian-not when she'd had sex with Puck and had a baby; not when she thinks she might have actually loved Sam-but she can admit that Rachel isn't the only girl that she's physically attracted to, even if she is the only one that Quinn has been in love with. Maybe she's bisexual, or maybe she's just done letting her mind dictate what her heart should want and her body should like.
"Are you nervous to go back home?" Leslie asks her, mostly to make conversation on the drive. She knows all about Quinn's fifteen minutes of fame, and how her conservative mother had reacted, and exactly what's waiting for her in Lima, Ohio.
Quinn shrugs, "A little. I'm not really looking forward to the face-to-face conversation with my mother, but at least I know she won't be setting the timer on the microwave and giving me ten minutes to pack up my things and get out." Leslie laughs, obviously thinking that Quinn is joking. Quinn doesn't correct her. "I'm more worried about," she trails off, staring out the window and watching the trees blur into a fuzzy green streak along the side of the highway.
Leslie smiles sympathetically, elbowing her lightly to catch her attention. "You'll be fine," she reassures her. "I mean, it's not like you totally crashed and burned in a fiery wreckage of humiliation. You and Rachel still talk, and everything," she reminds Quinn.
Quinn forces a smile and nods, closing her eyes to keep the ache in her heart from shining through the hazel. Leslie is right. They do still talk, but their conversations are almost as awkward as the ones she has with Judy.
The Metro North passes that Quinn was so happy to purchase sit unused in their envelopes.
xox
The reunion with Judy is anti-climactic. Her mother meets her at the airport, and they stand opposite one another wearing equally uncertain expressions. Judy wrings her hands and tilts her head, scrutinizing Quinn's appearance as if she expects to find some outward sign of her newly discovered sexual preferences. Quinn is mostly attempting to determine if her mother is still sober.
Judy is the first to break the stalemate, offering a small, tentative smile as she steps forward. "Welcome home, dear," she whispers, wrapping her arms around Quinn in a brief, clumsy hug. Quinn squeezes her back with her free arm; the other still holding her carry-on bag. She smells lilac perfume and coconut shampoo, and blessedly, no tang of alcohol.
The drive is mostly silent, at least until they're about a half an hour from Lima, and Judy glances nervously over at her. "Have you," she clears her throat, tightening her fingers around the steering wheel, "Have you been seeing much of...of Rachel Berry?"
Quinn clenches her jaw, turning to stare out the passenger window. Leave it to her mother to avoid the whole subject for a month, and then ask the one question that Quinn doesn't want to answer.
"Oh," Judy breathes quietly. "I'm sorry, Quinnie," she offers weakly, and Quinn tips her forehead against the cool glass and closes her eyes to the world.
They don't speak again until long after they've arrived home.
xox
Santana comes back from Louisville on Tuesday. Her break doesn't technically start until Wednesday, but Santana, being Santana, opted to skip the one class that she has on Tuesday morning in favor of flying home early.
She appears on Quinn's doorstep two hours after her flight touches down, expecting to be entertained. Judy is showing a few houses this afternoon, so it's just Quinn, and Santana, and the bottle of tequila in her hand. Quinn has no doubt that Santana would be with Brittany right now if she wasn't in school, but Brittany wants to actually graduate this year, so she isn't skipping any days-not even for her girlfriend.
Santana hates Kentucky, and she complains non-stop for the first forty minutes of their mini-reunion. She misses Brittany. If she can't be with her girl anyway, she'd rather be in New Fucking York, getting famous. An hour later, Quinn knows that she's had too much to drink when she allows Santana to grab the television remote and call up episode 3:01.
"No," she protests shakily, making an ungainly grab for the remote. "Gimme," she demands.
"C'mon, Q-Fab. It'll be fun," Santana promises, easily evading her advances and pushing her onto the sofa, remote still securely in hand. "And I look hot as hell, even though I only got like, thirty seconds of damn screen time," she complains with a glare. "What's up with that, anyway?"
Quinn shrugs, and sullenly collapses into the sofa, "Dunno. Haven't watched it."
Santana gapes at her, "Are you fucking serious?" When Quinn merely shrugs again and takes a sloppy drink from the bottle they've been passing back and forth, Santana grabs her wrist and pries away the tequila, setting it on the table. "You didn't watch it?" she demands again, suddenly seeming just a bit more sober.
Quinn shakes her head. "Wh's the point?" she slurs.
"Idiota," Santana mutters, pointing the remote at the television and cuing up the episode.
Quinn tries to get up, thinking that she'd rather be anywhere but here, but Santana tosses a leg over her lap, and half sits on her. "Just watch," she commands, and Quinn cringes when she hears her own stupidly, hopeful voice introduce herself from the television.
Her eyes are pulled to the screen, even though it's the last thing she wants to see, but it's kind of like that compulsion to watch the gory bits of a horror movie through the spaces between your fingers. She just can't look away.
She sees herself staring into the camera with a sappy, lovesick look on her face, before the scene shifts to two girls walking down the sidewalk, shoulders close, as they window shop. Her heart squeezes to the point of pain as she watches how happy she and Rachel look in those moments.
xox
"Rachel and I met in high school," Quinn's disembodied voice narrates over the perfect scene of two friends enjoying one another's company. "We've known one another for four years, but we haven't always been the best of friends."
Photos of Quinn in her cheerios uniform appear on the screen, followed by pictures of Rachel Berry in a sweater vest with a big, toothy smile.
"It took me a while to appreciate Rachel's quirks," the camera cuts back to Quinn, sporting an amused grin. "She has the most amazing voice," Quinn reveals over a clip of Rachel on a stage, wearing a red dress with black trim. The background music slowly builds in volume until the speakers are filled with the chorus of It's All Coming Back To Me Now, circa the 2012 National Show Choir Championship performance.
"She's probably the most talented person in Ohio, and she'll be the first to tell you that."
Quinn's face reappears, and she's smiling fondly as she continues to speak. "I don't doubt for a minute that one day I'll be sitting in the audience, watching Rachel Berry's Broadway debut, but she's so much more than just her voice."
The scene changes to show Rachel and Quinn in a comic book shop, laughingly squabbling over Rachel's fondness for graphic novels.
"Rachel has so many hidden layers that most people don't take the time to discover, but all of my favorite things about her are the things that she thinks I don't notice. Like the fact that she's so passionate about the things that she loves, even when they are aren't considered cool. Or that, even though she's vegan, she bakes non-vegan cookies for her friends."
The two girls are shown briefly hugging in front of a doorway, "She's the most forgiving person I've ever known," Quinn says before the scene fades back to her looking into the camera, "and she always seems to see the best in me, and encourages me to go after my dreams. And I think I do the same for her."
Quinn glances away from the camera, biting into her lip and drawing in a ragged breath. "She's going to New York in a few weeks," she finally says, "and I feel like if I don't tell her how I feel about her now, I'll miss my chance. She doesn't have a clue, and I'm so afraid to tell her, because our friendship means so much to me. I don't want to lose that, but I have to take a chance, or I'll always wonder what might have been." Quinn forces a smile, appearing cautiously hopeful, "Today's the day I get out of the friend zone."
The next segment begins at poolside. A slow pan of the camera reveals a tiny white bikini and the girl wearing it. The caption on screen reads, 'Quinn's friend, Santana.' Quinn is far more demure, in a one-piece suit and cover-up. Her voiceover explains, "Santana and I have been friends for a few years. I can always trust her to tell me the truth."
Santana glances over at Quinn with a bored expression. "Do you think you're wearing enough layers, Q? I'd hate to see your skin tone go a shade above albino."
Quinn rolls her eyes, but her voiceover continues, "Even if I don't always like what I'm hearing, I know that when everything is said and done, she has my back."
"I'm going to tell Rachel that I have feelings for her," she informs Santana onscreen.
"It's only taken you four years," Santana replies, pulling her sunglasses down with her pinky and eyeing Quinn with a smirk.
"I don't really know what to expect. We have such a great relationship right now, and I'm worried that what I'm doing is going to ruin that."
Santana shrugs, "It could happen. I mean, you know that the midg...Rachel...can be over-dramatic. She might completely freak out about this."
Quinn nibbles on the corner of her lip, appearing upset by the possibility.
"Or she could tell you that she's been crushing on you, too," Santana adds, muttering, "That would actually explain a lot. Ultimately, you're the one who has to decide if telling her is worth the risk."
"I think it is," Quinn confirms. "I really want to be with her, Santana."
There is a brief shot of Santana rolling her eyes before she pushes the sunglasses back up onto her nose. "I gotta be honest, Quinn," she adds amiably, "if that girl doesn't already have a least a little bit of an idea how you feel about her, she's more oblivious than I thought."
The scene shifts to the exterior of the Lima Bean, zooming in on the logo in the window, before pulling back to show Rachel walking up to the door. The camera cuts to a close-up of Rachel.
"Hello, I'm Rachel, and I'm going to be helping my best friend Quinn prepare for her date," she states matter-of-factly. "Personally, I don't think that Quinn needs any help. She's absolutely beautiful."
Quinn and Rachel are shown in a shop, and Rachel holds a pale green dress up to Quinn, who is smiling joyfully.
"But she's so much more than a pretty face."
The camera cuts to Quinn, browsing through a stack of used books.
"She's going to Yale, after all," Rachel proudly reveals before she reappears onscreen. "Quinn deserves every happiness, and I know she's going to take the world by storm. I'm so grateful to have her in my life," Rachel says fervently, nodding at the camera, "and I know that she'll be amazing on her date, because, well," Rachel shrugs, grinning sheepishly, "she's Quinn."
The focus changes to Quinn sitting at a table, nervously picking at the cup of coffee in front of her with a blunt fingernail. She looks up and smiles, her eyes sparkling with affection as Rachel enters.
"Hi, sorry to keep you waiting," she says as she slides into a chair across from Quinn. "So tell me about this big date."
The shot cuts back to Quinn, looking nervous. "I thought we could go to ArtSpace."
Rachel nods, smiling, "I think it's a wonderful idea, Quinn. You'll be able to talk as you walk through the galleries, and if you find yourselves struggling for conversation, you can simply choose some God awful piece of art to analyze."
Their joking exchange follows, and the camera pans back and forth between them as they discuss Quinn's plans. The shot changes to a close-up of Rachel's face, and she appears to be gazing at Quinn very tenderly. "Don't worry. You'll be amazing," she assures, "Who wouldn't fall in love with you?"
Quinn's trembling smile and hopeful eyes fade into black.
The next segment begins with Quinn putting on makeup for her date while her voiceover narrates, "I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. Today is the day I tell Rachel how I feel."
"I really want this to go well," she says nervously into the camera. "If Rachel doesn't reciprocate…if she tells me that there isn't even a chance that she could feel the same way, I know it's going to hurt so much," she admits with vulnerability glistening in her eyes. "Rachel is such an important part of my life. I don't think she realizes exactly how much she really means to me, but she will." She sighs, "I hate the thought of losing her friendship, but it's a chance that I have to take."
Quinn's hopeful face disappears from the screen, and Rachel's car pulls up to the house. She gets out, meeting Quinn halfway as she walks down the driveway, and the girls share a hug before getting into the car. They chat on camera while Rachel drives them to ArtSpace, until the car comes to a stop and Rachel turns to Quinn with an affectionate smile.
"Are you nervous?"
"Terrified."
"You shouldn't be. You're everyone's dream date, Quinn. Just go in there, and smile, and refrain from calling him a moron at any point, and he'll love you."
"Rachel, there's something I have to tell you," Quinn says, and Rachel's smile transforms into an expression of concern.
"What is it, Quinn?"
Quinn shakes her head, tugging uncomfortably at her seat belt. "Could you," she starts breathlessly, then stops, inhales deeply before slowly exhaling. "Can we maybe get some air?" she asks, looking wan.
Rachel nods, "Of course."
The scene cuts to the both of them standing in front of the car. Quinn's right arm crosses her body, and her hand is curled around her own bicep. Rachel gazes at her expectantly.
"So, I…ah," Quinn begins, licking her lips and offering a tiny, trembling smile, "I lied." Rachel frowns, but Quinn continues speaking, "I'm not meeting anyone here. All of this is for you."
Rachel's head tilts, as if she isn't certain of what she just heard, and then her eyebrows furrow in an expression of confusion. "I…I don't understand," she manages quietly.
"I like you," Quinn confesses, "romantically," she clarifies. "I have for about eight months now, and I'm hoping that you could feel the same way."
Rachel laughs nervously, glancing around them as through she's looking for an escape route. "Is this a joke?" she asks uncomfortably.
Quinn inhales sharply, lifting her chin. "No, Rachel. I…I wouldn't do that to you. I care about you so much. You've been there for me for three years now, and I feel like...like no one has ever known me as well as you do. I think you're amazing, and we could have something really special if you just give me the chance."
Rachel shakes her head, frowning, "But you're not," she begins, then purses her lips, taking a deep breath through her nose, before turning to pace away from Quinn. She stops several steps away. Her posture is closed off, shoulders hunched slightly and head bowed. She is silent for a long moment before she finally turns around, arms crossed beneath her breasts. "You like me?" she asks flatly.
Quinn nods, and her eyes are clearly glistening with moisture. "Do you…could you ever see me as more than a friend?"
Rachel glances away, clearly upset, "I…I don't know," she admits, looking back at Quinn. "I wasn't expecting any of this, Quinn. I've never…I didn't even consider that you could feel this way. It isn't fair of you to expect me to answer a question that I didn't imagine could even exist until two minutes ago."
"Just be honest with me, Rachel," Quinn begs. "Is there even a chance?"
Rachel drops her eyes to the ground, shaking her head ever so slightly from side to side, "I'm just not in a place where I can even think about this," she admits quietly, voice filled with regret. "I'm sorry."
Quinn hastily wipes her cheeks, looking away. "Okay. Okay," she repeats hoarsely. "I understand," she mumbles, clearly struggling to keep her composure.
Rachel's cheeks are wet as well, but she doesn't make any effort to dry them. "I'm so sorry," she repeats shakily. "I care about you so much, Quinn, but I…I just," she pauses, drawing in a calming breath, "You're my best friend."
Quinn nods curtly, "Can you just take me home now?"
Rachel looks startled by her detached tone, but she nods meekly, and they silently get back into the car. The camera watches the car back out of the parking space, and follows the taillights as they move away, until the image is replaced by Quinn's tearful face.
"It hurts," she confesses thinly, brushing at her tears with trembling fingers, "knowing that Rachel only sees me as her friend. I really thought there might be a chance for us," she whispers, sniffling a little, "but I can't be sorry that I finally told her the truth. At least now, I don't have to wonder how she feels about me anymore." She laughs sadly, "I can move on. And hopefully, we'll be able to stay friends."
The camera cuts to Rachel, standing outside with her arms wrapped around herself in a protective posture, looking sad and forlorn. "I just can't believe that Quinn feels that way about me. If I'd known," she trails off hopelessly, shaking her head. "I have feelings for someone else, and she knows that. I wish I didn't. I wish I could move on, and give Quinn what she wants, because she's so special, and so wonderful," Rachel tells the camera with glossy eyes, "but I just can't be what she needs right now. And I can't ask her to wait until I'm ready." Rachel glances away, "I…I hate that I hurt her, but I just…I need time to process all of this," she muses softly, still not looking at the camera, "But we'll get through this. We have to."
The screen fades to black.
Part II-B
Author: poetzproblem
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Quinn Fabray, Rachel Berry
Word Count: ~8,500
Rating: T
Summary: Quinn has less than a month before Rachel leaves for New York and starts meeting new people, and making new friends, and dating again; all while Quinn is eighty miles away in New Haven. She really wants to start fresh at Yale, and give herself a real, fighting chance at happiness, and that means finally being honest-with everyone-even if it takes one more little deception to get there.
Author's Note: My thanks to TS for the prompt.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or the characters, I just like to play with them…strictly non-profit.
Part II: Resolution
Life can change in a moment. Quinn has learned this lesson repeatedly. One moment, one too many drinks, one mistake in judgment, one bottle of hair dye, one cigarette, one tattoo, one text message.
One application for Friendzone.
Quinn doesn't watch the episode when it airs in October-there's no reason when she experienced the real-time version of it. She knows that some of her friends watched it right away by the incredulous messages posted on her Facebook. Mercedes thinks it's all an elaborate joke, and leaves three messages to that effect before she finally gives up and asks 'why Rachel, of all people.' Kurt apologizes for telling her back in February that she didn't understand true despair, nine months too late in her opinion, before he stupidly welcomes her to the 'club.'
Sam comments that their whole relationship suddenly makes sense to him. Joe apologizes for his inappropriate advances. Puck is surprisingly less crude than she'd expected, all things considered, and tells her that it kind of makes sense now why she never really wanted to give him another go in the sack. (Neither of them mentions her temporary bout of insanity last fall.)
Quinn is endlessly grateful that there are no television, phone, or computer privileges allowed in boot camp. If anyone has bothered to inform Finn that his ex-girlfriend appeared on television to proclaim her love for his ex-fiancée, at least he hasn't wasted what little downtime he does have on sending off some illegible letter full of insults and whining about how Quinn is always trying to hurt him.
Santana offers words of encouragement, and promises that it really does get better. She's been repeating different versions of the same sentiment since Lucas and his crew packed up and left Lima for their next destination, and the next poor person hoping to change their title from friend to lover. In true Santana fashion, her support comes wrapped in colorful euphemisms, but Quinn takes comfort in her words anyway, feeling oddly settled in the knowledge that one relationship in her life will never change.
Judy Fabray calls six days after the show airs, and Quinn is honestly impressed that it even took that long for the news to find its way to her.
She's livid; absolutely horrified that Quinn would go on television and proclaim to the world that she's in love with another woman. Quinn sits stonily on her little twin bed in New Haven, and stares unblinkingly at the wall as her mother yells about her reputation, and cries about Quinn's inconsideration. Judy is angry. Judy is embarrassed. Judy is afraid to answer her phone because all of Lima is gossiping about her.
Quinn cries silently and waits to be disowned. Waits to lose the only family she has left. Waits to be told that she's a sinner.
"Why did you have to come out so publicly, Quinn?" Judy cries. "Why couldn't you have just kept it quiet?"
Quinn presses a fist to her mouth, stifling a sob. "I'm tired of pretending," she manages to choke through the tears that burn in her throat and sting her eyes. "I wanted everyone to know who I really am."
Judy doesn't say another word, but Quinn can hear her crying through the phone. She doesn't hang up, and neither does Quinn. She's afraid that the moment the call disconnects, she'll no longer have a mother.
She's not entirely unprepared for this moment. She has a job in the campus bookstore, and she's quietly made some inquiries into possible additional financial aid. Her first semester tuition is paid, and she has enough money saved to make it to her second without starving. She's fairly certain that she can find a way to finance her next semester. It will be hard, and she'll be on a tight budget, and she'll probably need to find another job that she can work on weekends, but she's determined to stay in college. If she can get up and out a wheelchair in three months, she can sure as hell find a way to graduate from Yale.
Judy sniffles across the line, and Quinn hears some shuffling before her mother finally speaks again. "We'll discuss this further when you come home next month."
Quinn catches her breath, "You...you still want me to come home?"
She hears a frustrated sigh, "Of course I do. You're my daughter, Quinnie," she sobs again, "I may be very angry and disappointed with you right now, but I still love you."
Quinn's tears come harder, and it takes her a moment to be able to speak around the tightness in her chest, "I...I love you, too, mom."
"Please don't come home with a buzz cut, or any more tattoos."
Quinn chuckles through her tears, "I won't. I promise."
When she disconnects the call, she feels lighter than she has in-well, her whole life, really. She doesn't even remember a time when her shoulders weren't tight with tension, and her mind filled with countless lists of dos and don'ts, constantly calculating every word and every step and every smile to make sure that no one would ever see the scared little girl underneath her façade.
For the first time, she's been stripped bare, and there's nothing left to hide from anyone anymore, and she feels-God, she feels free.
Quinn wipes away her tears and inhales deeply. Exhales.
Breathes freely. Finally.
xox
Thanksgiving break begins after her last class on November sixteenth. Quinn considers not going home right away, but she hasn't seen her mother since she'd moved into the dorms, and their telephone conversations since the big reveal have been short and stilted, covering the basics of health, grades and finances. Judy can't bring herself to ask about Quinn's personal life, and Quinn doesn't volunteer any information. Going home to Lima is going to be a strange, uncomfortable thing, but it has to be done.
The good thing about Yale's Thanksgiving break is that it starts early enough that Quinn will be able to get a jump on the heaviest of the travel madness. She packs a little bag, mostly filled with her basic necessities and a few books-also basic necessities for Quinn-because she has enough clothes left at home to get her through the week. She shares a cab to the airport just outside of Hartford with her roommate, Leslie, who's flying back to Pittsburgh.
Quinn told Leslie the second day they'd roomed together that she likes girls, and Leslie had just shrugged and told her, "cool with me, but just so you know, I'm only into guys; preferably wealthy ones." Quinn doesn't really think of herself as a lesbian-not when she'd had sex with Puck and had a baby; not when she thinks she might have actually loved Sam-but she can admit that Rachel isn't the only girl that she's physically attracted to, even if she is the only one that Quinn has been in love with. Maybe she's bisexual, or maybe she's just done letting her mind dictate what her heart should want and her body should like.
"Are you nervous to go back home?" Leslie asks her, mostly to make conversation on the drive. She knows all about Quinn's fifteen minutes of fame, and how her conservative mother had reacted, and exactly what's waiting for her in Lima, Ohio.
Quinn shrugs, "A little. I'm not really looking forward to the face-to-face conversation with my mother, but at least I know she won't be setting the timer on the microwave and giving me ten minutes to pack up my things and get out." Leslie laughs, obviously thinking that Quinn is joking. Quinn doesn't correct her. "I'm more worried about," she trails off, staring out the window and watching the trees blur into a fuzzy green streak along the side of the highway.
Leslie smiles sympathetically, elbowing her lightly to catch her attention. "You'll be fine," she reassures her. "I mean, it's not like you totally crashed and burned in a fiery wreckage of humiliation. You and Rachel still talk, and everything," she reminds Quinn.
Quinn forces a smile and nods, closing her eyes to keep the ache in her heart from shining through the hazel. Leslie is right. They do still talk, but their conversations are almost as awkward as the ones she has with Judy.
The Metro North passes that Quinn was so happy to purchase sit unused in their envelopes.
xox
The reunion with Judy is anti-climactic. Her mother meets her at the airport, and they stand opposite one another wearing equally uncertain expressions. Judy wrings her hands and tilts her head, scrutinizing Quinn's appearance as if she expects to find some outward sign of her newly discovered sexual preferences. Quinn is mostly attempting to determine if her mother is still sober.
Judy is the first to break the stalemate, offering a small, tentative smile as she steps forward. "Welcome home, dear," she whispers, wrapping her arms around Quinn in a brief, clumsy hug. Quinn squeezes her back with her free arm; the other still holding her carry-on bag. She smells lilac perfume and coconut shampoo, and blessedly, no tang of alcohol.
The drive is mostly silent, at least until they're about a half an hour from Lima, and Judy glances nervously over at her. "Have you," she clears her throat, tightening her fingers around the steering wheel, "Have you been seeing much of...of Rachel Berry?"
Quinn clenches her jaw, turning to stare out the passenger window. Leave it to her mother to avoid the whole subject for a month, and then ask the one question that Quinn doesn't want to answer.
"Oh," Judy breathes quietly. "I'm sorry, Quinnie," she offers weakly, and Quinn tips her forehead against the cool glass and closes her eyes to the world.
They don't speak again until long after they've arrived home.
xox
Santana comes back from Louisville on Tuesday. Her break doesn't technically start until Wednesday, but Santana, being Santana, opted to skip the one class that she has on Tuesday morning in favor of flying home early.
She appears on Quinn's doorstep two hours after her flight touches down, expecting to be entertained. Judy is showing a few houses this afternoon, so it's just Quinn, and Santana, and the bottle of tequila in her hand. Quinn has no doubt that Santana would be with Brittany right now if she wasn't in school, but Brittany wants to actually graduate this year, so she isn't skipping any days-not even for her girlfriend.
Santana hates Kentucky, and she complains non-stop for the first forty minutes of their mini-reunion. She misses Brittany. If she can't be with her girl anyway, she'd rather be in New Fucking York, getting famous. An hour later, Quinn knows that she's had too much to drink when she allows Santana to grab the television remote and call up episode 3:01.
"No," she protests shakily, making an ungainly grab for the remote. "Gimme," she demands.
"C'mon, Q-Fab. It'll be fun," Santana promises, easily evading her advances and pushing her onto the sofa, remote still securely in hand. "And I look hot as hell, even though I only got like, thirty seconds of damn screen time," she complains with a glare. "What's up with that, anyway?"
Quinn shrugs, and sullenly collapses into the sofa, "Dunno. Haven't watched it."
Santana gapes at her, "Are you fucking serious?" When Quinn merely shrugs again and takes a sloppy drink from the bottle they've been passing back and forth, Santana grabs her wrist and pries away the tequila, setting it on the table. "You didn't watch it?" she demands again, suddenly seeming just a bit more sober.
Quinn shakes her head. "Wh's the point?" she slurs.
"Idiota," Santana mutters, pointing the remote at the television and cuing up the episode.
Quinn tries to get up, thinking that she'd rather be anywhere but here, but Santana tosses a leg over her lap, and half sits on her. "Just watch," she commands, and Quinn cringes when she hears her own stupidly, hopeful voice introduce herself from the television.
Her eyes are pulled to the screen, even though it's the last thing she wants to see, but it's kind of like that compulsion to watch the gory bits of a horror movie through the spaces between your fingers. She just can't look away.
She sees herself staring into the camera with a sappy, lovesick look on her face, before the scene shifts to two girls walking down the sidewalk, shoulders close, as they window shop. Her heart squeezes to the point of pain as she watches how happy she and Rachel look in those moments.
xox
"Rachel and I met in high school," Quinn's disembodied voice narrates over the perfect scene of two friends enjoying one another's company. "We've known one another for four years, but we haven't always been the best of friends."
Photos of Quinn in her cheerios uniform appear on the screen, followed by pictures of Rachel Berry in a sweater vest with a big, toothy smile.
"It took me a while to appreciate Rachel's quirks," the camera cuts back to Quinn, sporting an amused grin. "She has the most amazing voice," Quinn reveals over a clip of Rachel on a stage, wearing a red dress with black trim. The background music slowly builds in volume until the speakers are filled with the chorus of It's All Coming Back To Me Now, circa the 2012 National Show Choir Championship performance.
"She's probably the most talented person in Ohio, and she'll be the first to tell you that."
Quinn's face reappears, and she's smiling fondly as she continues to speak. "I don't doubt for a minute that one day I'll be sitting in the audience, watching Rachel Berry's Broadway debut, but she's so much more than just her voice."
The scene changes to show Rachel and Quinn in a comic book shop, laughingly squabbling over Rachel's fondness for graphic novels.
"Rachel has so many hidden layers that most people don't take the time to discover, but all of my favorite things about her are the things that she thinks I don't notice. Like the fact that she's so passionate about the things that she loves, even when they are aren't considered cool. Or that, even though she's vegan, she bakes non-vegan cookies for her friends."
The two girls are shown briefly hugging in front of a doorway, "She's the most forgiving person I've ever known," Quinn says before the scene fades back to her looking into the camera, "and she always seems to see the best in me, and encourages me to go after my dreams. And I think I do the same for her."
Quinn glances away from the camera, biting into her lip and drawing in a ragged breath. "She's going to New York in a few weeks," she finally says, "and I feel like if I don't tell her how I feel about her now, I'll miss my chance. She doesn't have a clue, and I'm so afraid to tell her, because our friendship means so much to me. I don't want to lose that, but I have to take a chance, or I'll always wonder what might have been." Quinn forces a smile, appearing cautiously hopeful, "Today's the day I get out of the friend zone."
The next segment begins at poolside. A slow pan of the camera reveals a tiny white bikini and the girl wearing it. The caption on screen reads, 'Quinn's friend, Santana.' Quinn is far more demure, in a one-piece suit and cover-up. Her voiceover explains, "Santana and I have been friends for a few years. I can always trust her to tell me the truth."
Santana glances over at Quinn with a bored expression. "Do you think you're wearing enough layers, Q? I'd hate to see your skin tone go a shade above albino."
Quinn rolls her eyes, but her voiceover continues, "Even if I don't always like what I'm hearing, I know that when everything is said and done, she has my back."
"I'm going to tell Rachel that I have feelings for her," she informs Santana onscreen.
"It's only taken you four years," Santana replies, pulling her sunglasses down with her pinky and eyeing Quinn with a smirk.
"I don't really know what to expect. We have such a great relationship right now, and I'm worried that what I'm doing is going to ruin that."
Santana shrugs, "It could happen. I mean, you know that the midg...Rachel...can be over-dramatic. She might completely freak out about this."
Quinn nibbles on the corner of her lip, appearing upset by the possibility.
"Or she could tell you that she's been crushing on you, too," Santana adds, muttering, "That would actually explain a lot. Ultimately, you're the one who has to decide if telling her is worth the risk."
"I think it is," Quinn confirms. "I really want to be with her, Santana."
There is a brief shot of Santana rolling her eyes before she pushes the sunglasses back up onto her nose. "I gotta be honest, Quinn," she adds amiably, "if that girl doesn't already have a least a little bit of an idea how you feel about her, she's more oblivious than I thought."
The scene shifts to the exterior of the Lima Bean, zooming in on the logo in the window, before pulling back to show Rachel walking up to the door. The camera cuts to a close-up of Rachel.
"Hello, I'm Rachel, and I'm going to be helping my best friend Quinn prepare for her date," she states matter-of-factly. "Personally, I don't think that Quinn needs any help. She's absolutely beautiful."
Quinn and Rachel are shown in a shop, and Rachel holds a pale green dress up to Quinn, who is smiling joyfully.
"But she's so much more than a pretty face."
The camera cuts to Quinn, browsing through a stack of used books.
"She's going to Yale, after all," Rachel proudly reveals before she reappears onscreen. "Quinn deserves every happiness, and I know she's going to take the world by storm. I'm so grateful to have her in my life," Rachel says fervently, nodding at the camera, "and I know that she'll be amazing on her date, because, well," Rachel shrugs, grinning sheepishly, "she's Quinn."
The focus changes to Quinn sitting at a table, nervously picking at the cup of coffee in front of her with a blunt fingernail. She looks up and smiles, her eyes sparkling with affection as Rachel enters.
"Hi, sorry to keep you waiting," she says as she slides into a chair across from Quinn. "So tell me about this big date."
The shot cuts back to Quinn, looking nervous. "I thought we could go to ArtSpace."
Rachel nods, smiling, "I think it's a wonderful idea, Quinn. You'll be able to talk as you walk through the galleries, and if you find yourselves struggling for conversation, you can simply choose some God awful piece of art to analyze."
Their joking exchange follows, and the camera pans back and forth between them as they discuss Quinn's plans. The shot changes to a close-up of Rachel's face, and she appears to be gazing at Quinn very tenderly. "Don't worry. You'll be amazing," she assures, "Who wouldn't fall in love with you?"
Quinn's trembling smile and hopeful eyes fade into black.
The next segment begins with Quinn putting on makeup for her date while her voiceover narrates, "I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. Today is the day I tell Rachel how I feel."
"I really want this to go well," she says nervously into the camera. "If Rachel doesn't reciprocate…if she tells me that there isn't even a chance that she could feel the same way, I know it's going to hurt so much," she admits with vulnerability glistening in her eyes. "Rachel is such an important part of my life. I don't think she realizes exactly how much she really means to me, but she will." She sighs, "I hate the thought of losing her friendship, but it's a chance that I have to take."
Quinn's hopeful face disappears from the screen, and Rachel's car pulls up to the house. She gets out, meeting Quinn halfway as she walks down the driveway, and the girls share a hug before getting into the car. They chat on camera while Rachel drives them to ArtSpace, until the car comes to a stop and Rachel turns to Quinn with an affectionate smile.
"Are you nervous?"
"Terrified."
"You shouldn't be. You're everyone's dream date, Quinn. Just go in there, and smile, and refrain from calling him a moron at any point, and he'll love you."
"Rachel, there's something I have to tell you," Quinn says, and Rachel's smile transforms into an expression of concern.
"What is it, Quinn?"
Quinn shakes her head, tugging uncomfortably at her seat belt. "Could you," she starts breathlessly, then stops, inhales deeply before slowly exhaling. "Can we maybe get some air?" she asks, looking wan.
Rachel nods, "Of course."
The scene cuts to the both of them standing in front of the car. Quinn's right arm crosses her body, and her hand is curled around her own bicep. Rachel gazes at her expectantly.
"So, I…ah," Quinn begins, licking her lips and offering a tiny, trembling smile, "I lied." Rachel frowns, but Quinn continues speaking, "I'm not meeting anyone here. All of this is for you."
Rachel's head tilts, as if she isn't certain of what she just heard, and then her eyebrows furrow in an expression of confusion. "I…I don't understand," she manages quietly.
"I like you," Quinn confesses, "romantically," she clarifies. "I have for about eight months now, and I'm hoping that you could feel the same way."
Rachel laughs nervously, glancing around them as through she's looking for an escape route. "Is this a joke?" she asks uncomfortably.
Quinn inhales sharply, lifting her chin. "No, Rachel. I…I wouldn't do that to you. I care about you so much. You've been there for me for three years now, and I feel like...like no one has ever known me as well as you do. I think you're amazing, and we could have something really special if you just give me the chance."
Rachel shakes her head, frowning, "But you're not," she begins, then purses her lips, taking a deep breath through her nose, before turning to pace away from Quinn. She stops several steps away. Her posture is closed off, shoulders hunched slightly and head bowed. She is silent for a long moment before she finally turns around, arms crossed beneath her breasts. "You like me?" she asks flatly.
Quinn nods, and her eyes are clearly glistening with moisture. "Do you…could you ever see me as more than a friend?"
Rachel glances away, clearly upset, "I…I don't know," she admits, looking back at Quinn. "I wasn't expecting any of this, Quinn. I've never…I didn't even consider that you could feel this way. It isn't fair of you to expect me to answer a question that I didn't imagine could even exist until two minutes ago."
"Just be honest with me, Rachel," Quinn begs. "Is there even a chance?"
Rachel drops her eyes to the ground, shaking her head ever so slightly from side to side, "I'm just not in a place where I can even think about this," she admits quietly, voice filled with regret. "I'm sorry."
Quinn hastily wipes her cheeks, looking away. "Okay. Okay," she repeats hoarsely. "I understand," she mumbles, clearly struggling to keep her composure.
Rachel's cheeks are wet as well, but she doesn't make any effort to dry them. "I'm so sorry," she repeats shakily. "I care about you so much, Quinn, but I…I just," she pauses, drawing in a calming breath, "You're my best friend."
Quinn nods curtly, "Can you just take me home now?"
Rachel looks startled by her detached tone, but she nods meekly, and they silently get back into the car. The camera watches the car back out of the parking space, and follows the taillights as they move away, until the image is replaced by Quinn's tearful face.
"It hurts," she confesses thinly, brushing at her tears with trembling fingers, "knowing that Rachel only sees me as her friend. I really thought there might be a chance for us," she whispers, sniffling a little, "but I can't be sorry that I finally told her the truth. At least now, I don't have to wonder how she feels about me anymore." She laughs sadly, "I can move on. And hopefully, we'll be able to stay friends."
The camera cuts to Rachel, standing outside with her arms wrapped around herself in a protective posture, looking sad and forlorn. "I just can't believe that Quinn feels that way about me. If I'd known," she trails off hopelessly, shaking her head. "I have feelings for someone else, and she knows that. I wish I didn't. I wish I could move on, and give Quinn what she wants, because she's so special, and so wonderful," Rachel tells the camera with glossy eyes, "but I just can't be what she needs right now. And I can't ask her to wait until I'm ready." Rachel glances away, "I…I hate that I hurt her, but I just…I need time to process all of this," she muses softly, still not looking at the camera, "But we'll get through this. We have to."
The screen fades to black.
Part II-B