"the penny self destruct slot... not one of my better ideas"
when i go to the farm i feel like i'm going to a morgue. it's being thrown into chaos. everyone is in denial that the shit is hitting the fan. jen and rob are getting divorced. jen moved out of the stable. i think she got a new job in simsbury. she's still working at the farm right now, but she's leaving soon. it kind of makes me sad. farm women were always my amazon warriors growing up. strong, capable, unafraid. there to make you get back on, to lift the too heavy buckets, to get the crazy horse back in line, to bash guys with. heather was like, "yeah, don't ever be like us when you grow up. something goes wrong and me and jen are just like, 'jump ship! jump ship!'". i don't think the farm is a good place to find role models. unfortunately i tend to spend a lot of time there. oops. hopefully it won't do any more damage than it already has.
i'm feeling drained. usually during the summer i'm full of life and writing and poetry. right now i'm full of sleep. sleep and blood and guts.
the aquarium was pretty sweet. penguins bite. belugas like getting their tongues petted. 1800 lb sea lions are scary when they come up to you looking for food. lab work is pretty boring.
andy's been trying really hard to make it work. i think he's willing to try everything to make it work. i don't think it's going to work.
i'm really glad i've been able to talk to people and iron things out, old, musty things that were terrible in need of being aired out and cleaned. it makes me feel like there are people out there, that we are not alone in the universe.
i'm going to miss ned (who i've gotten super close to) and andy (who i am super close to) when they leave.
so i'm off to mexico tomorrow. hopefully i can stay in check ;)
i got a five on AP bio. so far as i know i raped everyone
i've been lying a lot lately. i can't seem to stop. it's like mouth diarhea. it just keeps coming up. i don't know who i think i'm protecting. actually that's a lie. i know exactly who i'm protecting.
sometimes taking initiative is good. sometimes it is bad.
i love the beach.
i really should just go to sleep now. it's midnight. i think i might go paint my nails.
katie hugged me before i left the barn. she said was one of her "flock". she said if i got arrested she was not gonna come and bail me out. as a horse person, this was an unusual show of affection.
sometimes i wonder if you can live so much that you end up dead.
in the process out majorly cleaning out my room, i read through my old diaries. it made me remember a lot of things. some were great happy things. some were not.
do you ever feel like the earth is dying?
i hung out with ned the other day. it was more fun than i'd had in a long time. why do i always have to get close to people right before i lose them?
i really hope mexico is fun. i feel like i've already said this. i'm repeating myself. i need to go to bed. i'm going to bed. i love coldplay's new cd. actually i just love coldplay in general. and i love pride and prejudice. god i love pride and prejudice. i've listened to the song "us" by regina spektor eight times in a row now. i really should to go bed. but there's so much in my brain. it's hard to sleep when you think so much you can't think.
i wish everything would change and everything would stay the same. i feel like the ocean. pulled back and forth and all over the place but i never really move all that much. what would it be like if the world was flat? what do you think is going to happen when the magnetic poles switch? will the world flip upside down, or will the compasses all just be fucked up? are we all gonna die? what would it feel like to be crushed by the ocean? what would it feel like to not have any air left in you and still be alive? would you be flat? a human flounder. what if the world was only 2 dimensional? could you still hug someone? could you touch? could you kiss? why do people kiss? i wonder who kissed for the first time. why do we associate kissing with love? it's obviously a learned behaviour. but who was the first guy who was like, "hey this means i love you" and the first girl (or guy) who was like, "what the hell are you doing?". i mean it's weird. thinking about it... you could do anything else. why do humans associate so many things with each other? why is the middle finger bad? i keep wanting to do bad things. why do i keep having these impulses? why do i have impulses to do anything? can a soul be made only of nucleotides and lipids and carbs? what would it look like if you can take a picture of it. what would it feel like to be invisible? to fly? what if you had wings? would it hurt to fly? shit i really have to get to bed.
well enough of this foolishness. i'm going to bed. love you guys! <3