"i'm dead on the surface but i'm screaming underneath"
hi i'm icarus
and i'm falling down
i've been a fucking wreck lately. if you haven't noticed. well actually you probably haven't. i've been working very hard to cover it up. but at this point i have been sitting in my room on a friday night just crying because i cannot physically be everything everyone wants me to unless i get one of those time change things from hermione granger and take some uber steroids and suddenly get tall and pretty and perfect. it's on, the race is on. be all you are and then more you've stolen from elsewhere.
you'd think with all this i'd at least be a decent actress, but i'm not. i feel like everyone knows that emily is better than me and that i am going to have to be ON POINT to even look OKAY in this musical. whenever i mess up i can FEEL people wondering why emily doesn't have the lead, i can feel the seniors wondering why THEY didn't get the lead, i can feel myself just crumbling. honestly, i'm so glad ned is the other lead though because he's one of the few people who actually makes me feel happy these days. i'm not saying you all don't make me happy, cuz you do. he's just becoming a really good friend lately. it's nice to be friends with someone who's detached enough you know they won't get mad at you for anything stupid you do or say. he's a really nice kid. him and bobby are my boys (:
andy's been weird lately. i think he's mad at me (at least that's what he's acting like). he keeps saying he's tired when i ask what's wrong, but as we all know, i'm tired is the biggest piece of bullshit one can spit out when in a bad mood. i'm tired basically translates to "i don't want to talk about it" which really really freaks me out. i have spilled my soul to this guy, and if he turns on me after all these years i will probably lose faith in man-kind and throw myself off a bridge for being that stupid nieve little bitch who once again gets trampled on for just wanting to believe that there's something that's completely good and beautiful in her life.
apparently my uncle harold has cancer again. he's old, so they're just going to let it run its course. he used to be a painter. he painted the paintings of my houses and the boat. they're letting him die.
rob moved out of the farm two weeks ago. i think rob and jenn might be getting a divorce. this really hurts. when bad things happen at the farm, bad things happen to me. i hope nothing happens to the stable, that place is my home, sometimes the only place i feel safe and happy. at least cash got clipped so he doesn't take so long to cool anymore, and i should get my saddle by saturday.
school's been hell. it's like one thing after another; i have a to-do list this weekend the size of russia. i have to read two books, read two bio chapters, register for SATS, learn piano music for a gig i'm playing next weekend and for national piano auditions, learn my lines, and practice for chinese. and maybe if i'm lucky i'll find time to work out or see my boyfriend.
i've come to terms with the fact i will never be at peace with my body. no matter how many people tell me i'm pretty or beautiful or whatever, it's never going to work because i have become so completely and fully fixated on the hatred i have toward myself, it's burrowed itself so deep i don't think it will ever go away. i work out and i eat then i don't eat then i work out a ton and get mad and eat then work out more then i look in the mirror... and i am SO hurt by the fact that even when i let a little and admit i look pretty good, there's always SOMETHING wrong with me. my insecurity manifests itself like maggots everywhere i look. every mirror, every window, every sideways glance hits me like the plague, like a dagger. more than anything it hurts me that I can't except myself. i don't care if anyone else accepts me, but i don't get why i can never think i'm beautiful. today i ran into brenda at the bank (who i love like a mother) and she was like "oh hannah, you just get more beautiful every time i see you" and that just got me. i almost started crying.
and what kills me the most is that not a single thing i just wrote about matters at all. relationships don't last forever, neither do acquaintances or chinese lessons or tennis or school or college. i'll go to college, get a decent job, spend the rest of my life avoiding the capitalist hammer, maybe get married, have some kids, and then grow old and die. and none of this really matters anyway cuz in a couple hundred thousand years when humans are extinct and the earth swallows our remains, nobody will remember a thing and nothing anyone anywhere has ever done will mean a single thing.
and i'm falling down
i've been a fucking wreck lately. if you haven't noticed. well actually you probably haven't. i've been working very hard to cover it up. but at this point i have been sitting in my room on a friday night just crying because i cannot physically be everything everyone wants me to unless i get one of those time change things from hermione granger and take some uber steroids and suddenly get tall and pretty and perfect. it's on, the race is on. be all you are and then more you've stolen from elsewhere.
you'd think with all this i'd at least be a decent actress, but i'm not. i feel like everyone knows that emily is better than me and that i am going to have to be ON POINT to even look OKAY in this musical. whenever i mess up i can FEEL people wondering why emily doesn't have the lead, i can feel the seniors wondering why THEY didn't get the lead, i can feel myself just crumbling. honestly, i'm so glad ned is the other lead though because he's one of the few people who actually makes me feel happy these days. i'm not saying you all don't make me happy, cuz you do. he's just becoming a really good friend lately. it's nice to be friends with someone who's detached enough you know they won't get mad at you for anything stupid you do or say. he's a really nice kid. him and bobby are my boys (:
andy's been weird lately. i think he's mad at me (at least that's what he's acting like). he keeps saying he's tired when i ask what's wrong, but as we all know, i'm tired is the biggest piece of bullshit one can spit out when in a bad mood. i'm tired basically translates to "i don't want to talk about it" which really really freaks me out. i have spilled my soul to this guy, and if he turns on me after all these years i will probably lose faith in man-kind and throw myself off a bridge for being that stupid nieve little bitch who once again gets trampled on for just wanting to believe that there's something that's completely good and beautiful in her life.
apparently my uncle harold has cancer again. he's old, so they're just going to let it run its course. he used to be a painter. he painted the paintings of my houses and the boat. they're letting him die.
rob moved out of the farm two weeks ago. i think rob and jenn might be getting a divorce. this really hurts. when bad things happen at the farm, bad things happen to me. i hope nothing happens to the stable, that place is my home, sometimes the only place i feel safe and happy. at least cash got clipped so he doesn't take so long to cool anymore, and i should get my saddle by saturday.
school's been hell. it's like one thing after another; i have a to-do list this weekend the size of russia. i have to read two books, read two bio chapters, register for SATS, learn piano music for a gig i'm playing next weekend and for national piano auditions, learn my lines, and practice for chinese. and maybe if i'm lucky i'll find time to work out or see my boyfriend.
i've come to terms with the fact i will never be at peace with my body. no matter how many people tell me i'm pretty or beautiful or whatever, it's never going to work because i have become so completely and fully fixated on the hatred i have toward myself, it's burrowed itself so deep i don't think it will ever go away. i work out and i eat then i don't eat then i work out a ton and get mad and eat then work out more then i look in the mirror... and i am SO hurt by the fact that even when i let a little and admit i look pretty good, there's always SOMETHING wrong with me. my insecurity manifests itself like maggots everywhere i look. every mirror, every window, every sideways glance hits me like the plague, like a dagger. more than anything it hurts me that I can't except myself. i don't care if anyone else accepts me, but i don't get why i can never think i'm beautiful. today i ran into brenda at the bank (who i love like a mother) and she was like "oh hannah, you just get more beautiful every time i see you" and that just got me. i almost started crying.
and what kills me the most is that not a single thing i just wrote about matters at all. relationships don't last forever, neither do acquaintances or chinese lessons or tennis or school or college. i'll go to college, get a decent job, spend the rest of my life avoiding the capitalist hammer, maybe get married, have some kids, and then grow old and die. and none of this really matters anyway cuz in a couple hundred thousand years when humans are extinct and the earth swallows our remains, nobody will remember a thing and nothing anyone anywhere has ever done will mean a single thing.