"it's beginning to look a lot like christmas"
i am having a fucking mental breakdown and he is not picking up his phone. why isn't he picking up his phone? i can't call his house- it's christmas eve. he's prolly doing family stuff. that's probably all it is.
this whole vacation has been totally awkward so far and i keep thinking of him (not same him in first thing) looking me up and down like... well i dunno what like but i hate him for it because he has no right to do that after being a dick about it. i mean he could have just said no. the only worse than saying he hated me was saying nothing at all. god, it was so long ago, why can't i let it go?!?! after all that shit you'd think i would have forgotten i had ever even liked him but there he is lurking in my peripherals like some kinda ghost in a gray sweatshirt and his basketball sneakers.
mr. demeo is so awkward. almost more awkward than john jacobson.
what the fuck is wrong with me it's christmas i'm supposed to be happy and excited and i just feel like curling up in a ball and crying and i don't have a reason for these feeling at all. i mean, what's wrong in my life? nothing! i get good grades and i live with parents who are still married and love me and my siblings don't do bad things and neither do i and i have friends that are amazing and love me and a new project horse who is endearing and and makes me feel like i'm vindicated in breathing and eating and keeping myself alive and there is a boy who loves me to death and we have plenty of money to get buy and enjoy small luxuries and sometimes maybe if i'm in the right light and you catch me off guard i'm pretty kind of.
there is nothing wrong there is nothing wrong there is nothing wrong there is nothing wrong there is nothing wrong. why can't i get it into my head!!!!!
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hopefully our tacky light drive will cheer me up because right now all i want to do is curl up in my pajamas and watch christmas movies and cry until i'm so tired that i fall asleep.
oh but thanks for all my christmas presents guys; they're so great, i love them. and thanks for having all the parties so far- they've been really fun. honestly.