new place new time

[poeticvanity]

It seems that everytime I update my livejournal I am at a new chapter in my life. Although it may be a new chapter why am I still feeling like I'm at the same place. Like nothing in my life has changed. I think that this is just my feelings towards myself. What will it take for me to love myself?? Hmm I have too much time to think these days. The clock ticks away in my mind and I have just happen to have enought time on my hands to count every second that slows prances by. Aweful isn't it. What is self control...My life has been soo out of control that for once I would just like to control things for once. Like a math problem...if I follow the correct formula then I will get the right answer...I guess this goes to show why I have never been able to pass math eh. What about the good lasting friendship part of my life...I always dream about my wedding day and the worst part is I can never invision who the heck is there. Maybe its cause I'll probably get married at the court house or something. ha. and how do you know when you found him like does a single firework go off? im in the middle of the desert Im not sure if they do fireworks out here. Hmm like Im always the one to fall first and get all emotionally attached...well no thats not true I only do it to the ones that I like and they usually don't figure out they like me until its like way over...effing losers. But thats okay cause if it wasnt for the douchebags in the world then I would never be with the guy im with now. and let me tell ya hes a keeper. I mean its like I can tell him anything cause hes my friend first and I've never had that before. It was like hello, earth to cassie, you've been searching for mr perfect for like a year online (like a loser I might add) and he was right in front of you the whole time. You know I just need to give up my insecurities and say fuck it to all those who are scared that their not pretty enough or good enough or what the fuck ever...because you'll let good things like this pass you by. If I woulda let this pass me by then I would have punched myself in the ear because maybe you do just know....oh wait I think that was a firework in the sky effing crazy. You know I just wanna be happy and I don't really care what people say and think about me or even the way I live my life. I think that you just come to this point where maybe you've learned a little bit about life maybe it has taught you a a few things here and there. Like so what if I like to get drunk and make memories and maybe that is the only thing I have going for me and so what if at 24 I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life and sometimes I don't know if I'm gonna pay my bills ontime well that's kinda a lie...because I always seem to have money for booze. But yeah I still make the wrong choices and Im still a mess...but you know what I've always been true to myself and that should count for something. Well im not in college anymore well I am but its not the same, Im not running off to Hollywood to get my nipples pierced anymore...well I ran off to VA beach...okay so I'm still kinda the same. But I am a little bit happier now still don't know what the fuck is going on, but I wake up and go to sleep with a smile on my face, thanks to the fireworks.

livejournal.....I am back :)

All day ev'ry day