(no subject)
so i find myself with absolutely nothing to do even though i have plenty. i have a plate full of things to be chewing but a mouth unable to consume. what shall i do?
'so i'll be like you and do whats right
with a love i dont deserve out on the ice tonight'
man hum is sick.
but i dont believe that line either. so no worries.
i'm going to ask myself some questions with the time that i have here tonight.
or this afternoon
either or it is no matter
what is different about these people you're meeting?
why does it feel like you're so behind?
how long is it going to take for you to catch up?
is catching up effectively destroying what you are now, or improving it?
can you be destroyed or are you just making this seem worse than it is?
will anyone recognize me when i come home?
will i have alienated myself from all of my surroundings?
i worry.
1. what is different about these people? well. they dont compete. i was used to montville where i always felt like i was backed into a corner and i had to fight my way out. i dont have to here.
there is no corner, i'm effectively surrounded by a bunch of guys who just want to relax. there is no competition.
so the person i am when i'm fighting is leaving. i dont think i've seen another side of me since 8th grade. maybe i've always just been fighting and its time to relax. i'm not in a corner here. i dont have to prove myself to anyone.
2. why does it feel like i'm so behind? well, its because i'm opening up a new side of me that i hadn't dealt with in a while. i'm assigning completely new patterns to the data that i didn't know i had. i'm not fighting. makes a whole new world of difference.
3. how long is it going to take? well, i dont know how long its going to take to make the transferral. i guess it doesn't matter really, cause the overall vibe of it is that i'll be relaxing while working on how to relax even more. i dont really care how long it takes, but these guys have been honing the skill/style for a long, long time. i dont know why i was so under seige in montville. i dont know what gave me that perception. i wish i could have just chilled out.
4. improving or destroying? i dont think i'm destroying myself. i'm effectively moving from a more aggressive/defensive stance to a relaxed/calm one. its just that i havnt used this side of me since.. well... a long time ago. i'm improving my knowledge of myself and what i'm capable of i suppose. but if this is the key to my personal transcendance then that'd be great. but i'm really starting to think that transcendence isn't totally what its about anymore. i just wanna be happy.
5. making it worse? definitely. no need to explain any further.
6. will they recognize me? yeah. i look like keith. it'll be a little different (i hope) but for the most part i just hung out with people who made me relax. mainly megan and chris. chilled me out the most, followed by randy... aaron kinda made me tense because i got a vibe he was looking to me for advice which i, for some reason, took the position of expert on. fuck.
but yeah, should improve that relationship. my parents and my sister will probably notice the most changes. if they come through, that is.
7. will i have alienated? fuck that. thats just me getting worried and scared of relaxing. if i'm truely relaxed then i'll be able to coast around. i. wont. care. its that simple.
i wont have alienated myself from anything besides uncomfortable feelings.
yes.
okay well that solved some things.
i dont really have much else to discuss with myself at this point. i'm just hanging out in the dorm listening to HUM and waiting for 3:00 to roll around, at which point i'll go to mathematics class, then i'll head out at 3:50 from math class (yes, in college yo ucan leave class whenever you'd like) to meet with the assistant dean of the barney school. then theres a banquet with the board of visitors? all i know is i get free food and i get to meet a bunch of ceo's who might hire me. that'd be cool. i dont really want to have to try too hard with business, i'll save the effort mostly for music. but i'll line up a good job i suppse.
who the fuck am i kidding.
i'll meet these people... and it'll be pointless
lol.
i'll probably juts get my MBA then go to amsterdam and play guitar in the streets for a few months. haha. then i'll consider if i want that life or the life of a businessman.
'so i'll be like you and do whats right
with a love i dont deserve out on the ice tonight'
man hum is sick.
but i dont believe that line either. so no worries.
i'm going to ask myself some questions with the time that i have here tonight.
or this afternoon
either or it is no matter
what is different about these people you're meeting?
why does it feel like you're so behind?
how long is it going to take for you to catch up?
is catching up effectively destroying what you are now, or improving it?
can you be destroyed or are you just making this seem worse than it is?
will anyone recognize me when i come home?
will i have alienated myself from all of my surroundings?
i worry.
1. what is different about these people? well. they dont compete. i was used to montville where i always felt like i was backed into a corner and i had to fight my way out. i dont have to here.
there is no corner, i'm effectively surrounded by a bunch of guys who just want to relax. there is no competition.
so the person i am when i'm fighting is leaving. i dont think i've seen another side of me since 8th grade. maybe i've always just been fighting and its time to relax. i'm not in a corner here. i dont have to prove myself to anyone.
2. why does it feel like i'm so behind? well, its because i'm opening up a new side of me that i hadn't dealt with in a while. i'm assigning completely new patterns to the data that i didn't know i had. i'm not fighting. makes a whole new world of difference.
3. how long is it going to take? well, i dont know how long its going to take to make the transferral. i guess it doesn't matter really, cause the overall vibe of it is that i'll be relaxing while working on how to relax even more. i dont really care how long it takes, but these guys have been honing the skill/style for a long, long time. i dont know why i was so under seige in montville. i dont know what gave me that perception. i wish i could have just chilled out.
4. improving or destroying? i dont think i'm destroying myself. i'm effectively moving from a more aggressive/defensive stance to a relaxed/calm one. its just that i havnt used this side of me since.. well... a long time ago. i'm improving my knowledge of myself and what i'm capable of i suppose. but if this is the key to my personal transcendance then that'd be great. but i'm really starting to think that transcendence isn't totally what its about anymore. i just wanna be happy.
5. making it worse? definitely. no need to explain any further.
6. will they recognize me? yeah. i look like keith. it'll be a little different (i hope) but for the most part i just hung out with people who made me relax. mainly megan and chris. chilled me out the most, followed by randy... aaron kinda made me tense because i got a vibe he was looking to me for advice which i, for some reason, took the position of expert on. fuck.
but yeah, should improve that relationship. my parents and my sister will probably notice the most changes. if they come through, that is.
7. will i have alienated? fuck that. thats just me getting worried and scared of relaxing. if i'm truely relaxed then i'll be able to coast around. i. wont. care. its that simple.
i wont have alienated myself from anything besides uncomfortable feelings.
yes.
okay well that solved some things.
i dont really have much else to discuss with myself at this point. i'm just hanging out in the dorm listening to HUM and waiting for 3:00 to roll around, at which point i'll go to mathematics class, then i'll head out at 3:50 from math class (yes, in college yo ucan leave class whenever you'd like) to meet with the assistant dean of the barney school. then theres a banquet with the board of visitors? all i know is i get free food and i get to meet a bunch of ceo's who might hire me. that'd be cool. i dont really want to have to try too hard with business, i'll save the effort mostly for music. but i'll line up a good job i suppse.
who the fuck am i kidding.
i'll meet these people... and it'll be pointless
lol.
i'll probably juts get my MBA then go to amsterdam and play guitar in the streets for a few months. haha. then i'll consider if i want that life or the life of a businessman.