elevator kiss & kitten
"so what was that kiss in the elevator all about?"
"i don't know; i like to be kissed."
-lines from my dream. sometimes i am oh so subconsciously simply meaningful.
"Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious."
then i went back to sleep and dreamed i had a kitten hiding beneath my bed. cat-dreams, signifying either female sexuality or general bad luck and treachery. but mine was a kitten. and hiding beneath the bed.
my eyes are groggy with depression. i lie down anywhere i can and shut them so hard it hurts. and i dream of things.
i'm on the verge of tears all the time now, like right now, sitting in the computer lab with my fifteen kids and i'm trying not to cry, i'm biting my lip hard so i won't, and it hurts. near-tears all the time but never any real tears, okay a few behind my sunglasses as i walked to the dining hall this morning, i'm a fucking gothic heroine and i wish it were all sky-heavy and wind-whipping but i don't even have my pathetic fallacy, just pathetic
everything i feel is disproportionate, i am disproportionately on the verge of absolute self-annihilation because i am not The Best At Everything, i never was but i never believed it, i am disproportionately angry and disproportionately in love, i cannot explain, i cannot say why
i've stopped doing things, why shower, why take medicine for my headache, its always there anyway whether or not i can feel it, why get up in the morning, i can stay for hours looking at the bottom side of my blanket, it is purple, rich royal purple like you, like the walls we would have had
i've spent my whole life trying to get away from where i was where i am and i can't anymore, everything is dead or dying and what's left, what can breathe life into it? so much time wasted trying to find something to ride on the back of, and i'm tired of chasing winged things, too tired even to walk, and even if i could stand where would i go?
"i don't know; i like to be kissed."
-lines from my dream. sometimes i am oh so subconsciously simply meaningful.
"Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious."
then i went back to sleep and dreamed i had a kitten hiding beneath my bed. cat-dreams, signifying either female sexuality or general bad luck and treachery. but mine was a kitten. and hiding beneath the bed.
my eyes are groggy with depression. i lie down anywhere i can and shut them so hard it hurts. and i dream of things.
i'm on the verge of tears all the time now, like right now, sitting in the computer lab with my fifteen kids and i'm trying not to cry, i'm biting my lip hard so i won't, and it hurts. near-tears all the time but never any real tears, okay a few behind my sunglasses as i walked to the dining hall this morning, i'm a fucking gothic heroine and i wish it were all sky-heavy and wind-whipping but i don't even have my pathetic fallacy, just pathetic
everything i feel is disproportionate, i am disproportionately on the verge of absolute self-annihilation because i am not The Best At Everything, i never was but i never believed it, i am disproportionately angry and disproportionately in love, i cannot explain, i cannot say why
i've stopped doing things, why shower, why take medicine for my headache, its always there anyway whether or not i can feel it, why get up in the morning, i can stay for hours looking at the bottom side of my blanket, it is purple, rich royal purple like you, like the walls we would have had
i've spent my whole life trying to get away from where i was where i am and i can't anymore, everything is dead or dying and what's left, what can breathe life into it? so much time wasted trying to find something to ride on the back of, and i'm tired of chasing winged things, too tired even to walk, and even if i could stand where would i go?