Just call me A Thought....
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a thought to most of the people I know. Like I only exist when I'm needed. Just floating around, waiting for someone to ask me for something. I don't like this feeling. In fact, I fucking hate it. It's always when I feel that I need someone the most, that I'm left alone to deal and cope and be miserable.
Sometimes I just need a friend. Someone I can just sit and talk to, or just hang out with and not talk at all, but just listen. Especially around this time of year. It's the loneliest for me. Worse than Christmas and Halloween combined. It's the season in which I look to the skies and wish for a God to kill me for my sins. It never happens.
I spend about 5% of my time online, studying, and/or driving back and forth between classes and Mandy's house. 45% is spent working and/or trying to figure out how I'm going to keep my bills caught up. The last 50% is spent helping out those close to me, and a few that aren't. I'm constantly being there for someone. When I'm not there for one friend, it's because I'm being there for another. It's tiring, but I don't mind it. It just bothers me that when I need a friend, none are available. It's not always because they don't want to be, or they just don't feel like putting forth the effort, but they just aren't available. I only need them to be there for me maybe 2 or 3 times a year, that's it. Never there. It leaves me feeling like I have no one. When all I need is a hug, or a pat on the back, or just to be told that everything is okay. Nothing.
If it wasn't for my late night talks with Shy, I don't know what I'd do.
I wish I wasn't so goddamned emo right now.
Sometimes I just need a friend. Someone I can just sit and talk to, or just hang out with and not talk at all, but just listen. Especially around this time of year. It's the loneliest for me. Worse than Christmas and Halloween combined. It's the season in which I look to the skies and wish for a God to kill me for my sins. It never happens.
I spend about 5% of my time online, studying, and/or driving back and forth between classes and Mandy's house. 45% is spent working and/or trying to figure out how I'm going to keep my bills caught up. The last 50% is spent helping out those close to me, and a few that aren't. I'm constantly being there for someone. When I'm not there for one friend, it's because I'm being there for another. It's tiring, but I don't mind it. It just bothers me that when I need a friend, none are available. It's not always because they don't want to be, or they just don't feel like putting forth the effort, but they just aren't available. I only need them to be there for me maybe 2 or 3 times a year, that's it. Never there. It leaves me feeling like I have no one. When all I need is a hug, or a pat on the back, or just to be told that everything is okay. Nothing.
If it wasn't for my late night talks with Shy, I don't know what I'd do.
I wish I wasn't so goddamned emo right now.