An actual update on my life as of late..THIS IS REALLY LONG
I guess I should have done this a few days ago, but I didn't, so sue me.
Okay, so let's start with last week.
Last week I struggled with what little money I had trying to make it back and forth between work and school. Somehow I managed to make it until Thursday. My mom(non birth type) and my sister(birth type) both said I needed to call my birth father and ask him for some money. They said it was the least he could do for never being there for me growing up. I tried calling a few times, but never got an answer. I didn't want to call at all. I was content with never speaking to him again. I needed money though, and was getting desperate.
My step mom finally answered on Thursday night and sounded extremely shocked to hear from me. She put Mike on the phone and we talked for about five minutes before he asked how school and everything was going. I told him great, I was just struggling with paying back my loan. Before I finished that sentence he told me to come on over and he'd give me the money I needed. I told him that I was probably going to need more than a couple bucks and he said it didn't matter.
I went over there and was constantly being amazed and pissed off. The first thing I see when I pull up is this huge fucking cabin by a lake, with a guest house, 6 car garage, and Stevie Ray Vaughn's old tour bus in the driveway. Then he came out and hugged me and gave me a tour. THEN I found out that I wasn't even at his MAIN home. He has 6 fucking houses!!! He wrote out a $2k check and said if I needed more to just ask. I saw some of his bank statements sitting on his office table and thumbed through him. One of them had a balance of 2.6 million on it!!! This would excite most people, but I grew up broke and fatherless. I never had anything and he never tried to be there. In fact, when I did work for him, he NEVER paid me a full check. He always kept half, because he couldn't afford to pay me in full, THEN he'd make me use what was left to by my own food and other necessities(I was 12 and 14 when he was doing this. I was also being paid 5$ an hour to dig ditches and build houses. All work that has caused me to have back problems at age 23.)
I would have laid into him and really let him know how all this made me feel. That and how pissed I was that he'd not eve tried to call me once in the last 6 years(that's how long it's been since we've talked), but I saw my little brothers and how happy they were. Through them he's making up for all the mistakes he made with me. I'm thankful for that. They're good kids, and they deserve to grow up right. I just wish I hadn't missed so much of their lives. They're now 11 and 8.
I took the check to my bank and deposited it immediately on my way home. The ATM ate my card, though, and said it was restricted, so I put the check in the drop box thing. I went to the bank the next afternoon after work and they told me that my card was listed as "Hot" and I'd have to get a new card, but my money would be available the next morning. Then they guy asked how much the check was for, and when I told him, he said it must be nice to get that much for your birthday. All I could think about was the 22 that had been forgotten. No phone calls, no cards, no telling someone else that he was thinking of me. I just nodded and forced a half smile.
The next morning my money wasn't available and I was told it was put on hold until Friday, the third of March. I need that money before then! I've spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today trying to talk to them to get this freaking hold removed. I've been sent in every direction you can think of and when I finally get someone who is going to release the money she sees that I have to go through another person to get it done. I call him and he doesn't have the time to talk with me. I've been calling and waiting all day, and something tells me I'm not going to get through today. I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I can't because none of the money in my account is fucking available to me!
Back to my father, or Mike rather. I'm stuck at a crossroads right now. I don't know if I should say fuck him and his money, and continue fighting, struggling, and making it on my own. Or suck it up, do what I've got to do to survive, and become one of those rich white boys that I hate so much. The thing I love about myself is the fact that I have been able to survive and overcome everything in my path, by myself, with my head high. Then I think about how much more I could accomplish if I had help. I know I'm going to try and milk as much as I can from him, especially since he owes between 10 and 20k in back child support, but I don't want to lose the one part of me that I love.
The fact that my birth mom is going crazy over me going to see him and possibly forgiving him, is a good incentive. She's been apologizing since I joined the Army and has failed repeatedly. I've ignored all that she's said. I only recently started dealing with her presence because of my step father, who is still a good friend of mine. She just can't understand how I can ignore her apologies, but forgive him when he's made no attempt to contact me at all in the last 6 years.
The truth is, he was never there, and when he was, he spent his time trying to impress everyone around him, and didn't try to be a father. As bad as that is, he never once hit me, or put me down. I even remember once when I was 14 and we were talking about life and what-not, I made a comment about myself that seemed to really bother him. He actually gave me some words of encouragement and confidence. Denise(the birth mom)never said anything positive to me. She beat me, insulted me, and treated me like a slave. She even fought my aunt for taking up for me. She's told me I was a mistake, how she tried to abort me, how much she hated me, and let me know how worthless and ugly I was. She's backhanded me for telling her I loved her. Still she can't understand why I can forgive him and not her. I don't care if she is on medication now, she isn't fit to be a mother. She still knows nothing about me. I've only one happy memory of her, and when I share it, the people I share it with react as if it's a sad memory.
I feel so lost right now. If I don't make it to Shy's this weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do.
On a bright note, I just spell checked this and had no errors. :)
Okay, so let's start with last week.
Last week I struggled with what little money I had trying to make it back and forth between work and school. Somehow I managed to make it until Thursday. My mom(non birth type) and my sister(birth type) both said I needed to call my birth father and ask him for some money. They said it was the least he could do for never being there for me growing up. I tried calling a few times, but never got an answer. I didn't want to call at all. I was content with never speaking to him again. I needed money though, and was getting desperate.
My step mom finally answered on Thursday night and sounded extremely shocked to hear from me. She put Mike on the phone and we talked for about five minutes before he asked how school and everything was going. I told him great, I was just struggling with paying back my loan. Before I finished that sentence he told me to come on over and he'd give me the money I needed. I told him that I was probably going to need more than a couple bucks and he said it didn't matter.
I went over there and was constantly being amazed and pissed off. The first thing I see when I pull up is this huge fucking cabin by a lake, with a guest house, 6 car garage, and Stevie Ray Vaughn's old tour bus in the driveway. Then he came out and hugged me and gave me a tour. THEN I found out that I wasn't even at his MAIN home. He has 6 fucking houses!!! He wrote out a $2k check and said if I needed more to just ask. I saw some of his bank statements sitting on his office table and thumbed through him. One of them had a balance of 2.6 million on it!!! This would excite most people, but I grew up broke and fatherless. I never had anything and he never tried to be there. In fact, when I did work for him, he NEVER paid me a full check. He always kept half, because he couldn't afford to pay me in full, THEN he'd make me use what was left to by my own food and other necessities(I was 12 and 14 when he was doing this. I was also being paid 5$ an hour to dig ditches and build houses. All work that has caused me to have back problems at age 23.)
I would have laid into him and really let him know how all this made me feel. That and how pissed I was that he'd not eve tried to call me once in the last 6 years(that's how long it's been since we've talked), but I saw my little brothers and how happy they were. Through them he's making up for all the mistakes he made with me. I'm thankful for that. They're good kids, and they deserve to grow up right. I just wish I hadn't missed so much of their lives. They're now 11 and 8.
I took the check to my bank and deposited it immediately on my way home. The ATM ate my card, though, and said it was restricted, so I put the check in the drop box thing. I went to the bank the next afternoon after work and they told me that my card was listed as "Hot" and I'd have to get a new card, but my money would be available the next morning. Then they guy asked how much the check was for, and when I told him, he said it must be nice to get that much for your birthday. All I could think about was the 22 that had been forgotten. No phone calls, no cards, no telling someone else that he was thinking of me. I just nodded and forced a half smile.
The next morning my money wasn't available and I was told it was put on hold until Friday, the third of March. I need that money before then! I've spent Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today trying to talk to them to get this freaking hold removed. I've been sent in every direction you can think of and when I finally get someone who is going to release the money she sees that I have to go through another person to get it done. I call him and he doesn't have the time to talk with me. I've been calling and waiting all day, and something tells me I'm not going to get through today. I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I can't because none of the money in my account is fucking available to me!
Back to my father, or Mike rather. I'm stuck at a crossroads right now. I don't know if I should say fuck him and his money, and continue fighting, struggling, and making it on my own. Or suck it up, do what I've got to do to survive, and become one of those rich white boys that I hate so much. The thing I love about myself is the fact that I have been able to survive and overcome everything in my path, by myself, with my head high. Then I think about how much more I could accomplish if I had help. I know I'm going to try and milk as much as I can from him, especially since he owes between 10 and 20k in back child support, but I don't want to lose the one part of me that I love.
The fact that my birth mom is going crazy over me going to see him and possibly forgiving him, is a good incentive. She's been apologizing since I joined the Army and has failed repeatedly. I've ignored all that she's said. I only recently started dealing with her presence because of my step father, who is still a good friend of mine. She just can't understand how I can ignore her apologies, but forgive him when he's made no attempt to contact me at all in the last 6 years.
The truth is, he was never there, and when he was, he spent his time trying to impress everyone around him, and didn't try to be a father. As bad as that is, he never once hit me, or put me down. I even remember once when I was 14 and we were talking about life and what-not, I made a comment about myself that seemed to really bother him. He actually gave me some words of encouragement and confidence. Denise(the birth mom)never said anything positive to me. She beat me, insulted me, and treated me like a slave. She even fought my aunt for taking up for me. She's told me I was a mistake, how she tried to abort me, how much she hated me, and let me know how worthless and ugly I was. She's backhanded me for telling her I loved her. Still she can't understand why I can forgive him and not her. I don't care if she is on medication now, she isn't fit to be a mother. She still knows nothing about me. I've only one happy memory of her, and when I share it, the people I share it with react as if it's a sad memory.
I feel so lost right now. If I don't make it to Shy's this weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do.
On a bright note, I just spell checked this and had no errors. :)