Funny as hell!!!
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris can travel time freely, and does so only when it convenient to
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @..%$ with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris answers to no law of God or man, or physics.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had
to pay taxes ever.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the
living @..%$ out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"boo-ya".
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kick the crap out of him and take it.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the @..%$ out of little kids.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a
single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane during WW2 down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean
"kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris can travel time freely, and does so only when it convenient to
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @..%$ with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris answers to no law of God or man, or physics.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had
to pay taxes ever.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the
living @..%$ out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"boo-ya".
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kick the crap out of him and take it.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the @..%$ out of little kids.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a
single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane during WW2 down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean
"kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".