(no subject)
i dont understand some things at all. this has been a horrible day. i started thinking about alot of things today and i realized how unwanted i feel whn im around my parents. i feel like neither of them give a damn about me at all. it seems like they are both wrapped up and absorbed in their own lives. sometimes it feels like my dad cares about his gf's kids more than he cares about me which hurts more than anything ever could. me and my dad used to be pretty close and i just dont know what happened. i feel like him or my mother care about what happens to me or what the hell i do. theres only one person that ever really felt like ever gave a damn about me and cared more about me than anyone else and shes not even here anymore and i never got to tell her goodbye or tell her how much i appreciated. i miss my grandmother more than anyone could know. it hurts so bad feeling like i dont have any support from anyone. every is like oh i understand or oh i know exactly how u feel or whatever, but they dont. nobody that i know, not one of my friends, nobody in my family except for maybe my cousin who i hardly even talk to anymore, even understands how i feel or what im going through. granted there are other people out there that go through this too, but theres nobody that i know, that i can talk to, that would know how i feel. as much as i try talking about my feelings as much as people try to understand or as much as they tell me that they do, they dont, and they probably never will. i want more than anything to talk to my parents about this, but my parents just wouldnt get and would more than likely say something like ur being selfish or u know thats not true or w/e. but it is true, i dont feel like i have either one of them and as much as i hate to admit it i do need them. i just would like to know where in the hell i fit in in their lives. because as of right now it doesent seem like i fit in at all. all my life people have told me how lucky i was that i lived with my grandparents, and granted i was, but i always though that my cousins and my friends were the lucky ones for having their parents and for living in a house where they felt loved, and i mean i know that they probably had their problems too and that they felt like sometimes they wished they didnt live there or didnt feel like their parents cared, but the point is in the end they had them and i dont. i feel all alone, i feel lonely. i have friends yes, and i have other family.. all of who i know love me and care about me alot. but its just not the same as having my parents, who should be there and who should love me the most, that dont, or at least dont show it no matter how much they do.