(no subject)
isnt it great being on summer vacation? sleeping in, not having to worry about school, being able to do whatever you want when you want for 2, almost 3 months? the summer is just so awesome. today i didnt do much during the day except sit at my house and be bored, and tonight me, melissa, and jared went to the movies to see spiderman 2. pretty good movie i must say. long, but good nonetheless. fourth of july this weekend...hmm i probably wont do anything. who knows, i really dont want to stay home but if i have to then eh oh well.
today i made an interesting discovery. while looking for a book of my grandmothers that i wanted to read, i came across a box that i had been looking for for a very long time. in this box is all of my moms high school keepsakes that she wanted me to have, and i have been lied to about the location of it. everytime i would ask where it was i was told "oh i dont know where it is" or "oh its somewhere in the garage" or "oh since its been in the garage mice have probably eaten it up" for one we dont have mice, and for another i found it under my grandmothers bed, where it has been kept from me for so long, and me wanting to know why i was lied to about it. i came to the conclusion that they probably didnt want me to have it, even though thats what my mom wanted. it really pissed me off that i found it after being lied to for so long about it. you see, my mother and i arent that close, and i would like for us to be, but that will never happen. i hate to say it, but it wont. so thats why the stuff in that box is so important to me, because i guess u could say it makes me feel like thats really the only thing that makes me feel like i have a mom, the fact that she wanted me to have it. it really hurts so bad and is not a good feeling that u sometimes feel like you dont have a mom, and i definatly do. more often than not. i look at my friends and i see them with their moms and i honestly get jealous because i know that i will never have that, and it hurts me so bad. all my life i have just wanted to feel wanted by her, wanted to feel like i was actually worth something, but i dont feel that way and i dont know if i ever will.
today i made an interesting discovery. while looking for a book of my grandmothers that i wanted to read, i came across a box that i had been looking for for a very long time. in this box is all of my moms high school keepsakes that she wanted me to have, and i have been lied to about the location of it. everytime i would ask where it was i was told "oh i dont know where it is" or "oh its somewhere in the garage" or "oh since its been in the garage mice have probably eaten it up" for one we dont have mice, and for another i found it under my grandmothers bed, where it has been kept from me for so long, and me wanting to know why i was lied to about it. i came to the conclusion that they probably didnt want me to have it, even though thats what my mom wanted. it really pissed me off that i found it after being lied to for so long about it. you see, my mother and i arent that close, and i would like for us to be, but that will never happen. i hate to say it, but it wont. so thats why the stuff in that box is so important to me, because i guess u could say it makes me feel like thats really the only thing that makes me feel like i have a mom, the fact that she wanted me to have it. it really hurts so bad and is not a good feeling that u sometimes feel like you dont have a mom, and i definatly do. more often than not. i look at my friends and i see them with their moms and i honestly get jealous because i know that i will never have that, and it hurts me so bad. all my life i have just wanted to feel wanted by her, wanted to feel like i was actually worth something, but i dont feel that way and i dont know if i ever will.