Bru ha di ha ha!!
Hey!!
Today is 3 weeks and 2 days since I have cut last...WOOT!!! 2 more days...and I've broken my record!! Please..please..please...Let me last...like forever!!! To never cut again in my whole entire life...would be...It would make me so freaking happy!!!!! Happy~ness!!!!
I'm trying to wear less baggy clothes now...jeans that acually fit me... and shirts that actually fit me..and no more wearing a jacket all day..or size too big hoodies...I'm "hiding my body" as everyone says...and thats why I dont have a boyfriend..they say....also...shawn says If i would just smile more...and ben and kat say if I wouldn't hide my body...
but guys....I hate this body of mine...No matter how many times you talk to me about it...no matter how many times you say I'm pretty...and skinny...I can't beleive it..I cant understand how you see that in me. I want to beleive it..that im pretty..and so and so....but when i look in the freaking mirror...I dont see the girl your talking about...I want to be her...but I know i'm not...
Really...only Alyssa...can understand this...I'm glad I have her *hug*...I know I'm not alone.... But It still pisses me off to no end..if I'm alone or not!!
I hate how I'm hurting all you guys....Being sick...and the situations when we are eating together...I hate that you worry about me...I dont want to make people worry about me...I know your going to anyways...but its my fault...that your worrying..and hurting...because of me...its my fault..And I cant freaking stop it...
I wish I was In the end of my 8th grade year again...My mom was normal...My family was normal...school was normal...I was normal...I was a pre-teen...with not a care in the world...and now...I cant walk not thinking about all this crap...this crap i've put upon myself...If I would have fucking kept my mom home...that day...she would still be like she was...she wouldnt have fucking got in an accident that bad...she would still be her....and I wouldnt be the "mom" of the family..I wouldnt have all this crap to worry about....My dad works..my mom cant do these things...I'm the older daughter...It's up to me
Why are so many tings messed up??!!??
I miss my gramma so much...I remmeber how she wouls pull the hair out of my eyes...and hold me when I cried...Now she fucking gone...
I just want someone to do that....I want a guy...a guy who holds me when I cry...WHo laughs when I laugh..To go places with...To just be myself with, I wish so many things...but It feels like its never gonna happen..I'm never going to have that guy, To hold me when i'm in pain, who i can dance with, and listen to music, who doesnt care how really wacky i am..
If I just smile a little bit more...and wear a little less baggy clothes...just maybe
In Painting...wer'e doing self-portraits...IT SUCKS MAJOR MONKEY BUTT!!!!!! I can't get the freaking flesh tones right!!! ARRGGHH!!! I'm so freaking pale..grrr...
I'm so tired and hungry and cold.......DAMN IT~!!!!!!!
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ok...fairy dust always makes me happy.....XD
I have my ACT on Febuary 12th...
Oh and yeah...I'm gonna have a lonely Valintine's day.... Last year I with thou-who-shall-not-be named and I got roses and candy and a stuffed monkey that says hug me on it..DAMN HIM!!! Why'd he have to be so freaking stupid!!!
And after the "oh holy dumb one"...Was ~Taylor~ I really really miss him, I freaking ruined that one on my own, But I miss him so freaking much!!! I really really do!!!! He treated me like an angel, a princess... He was perfect...I ...I dunnoo...I messed up my own freaking life with that was... He's the most perfect guy ever.. At least I thought so, I kick myself for breaking up with him...when still wanted to be with him... If I wouldnt have been so freaking stupid...we'd still be together... I would have had him by my side while i was sick and in the hospital... But instead..I ended it cause I didnt want to cause him any pain.. I didnt want to be a burden to him... H would have been there for me...God.. If I could only...Just take that back...and be with him again
I think I love him
I'm sending in my application into EKU this week, I really really hope I get in!!!
But I'm also sending in applications into Morehead, Midway, and UK just in case...which I know I wont get into UK but i'll do it anyway...just to say I tried....
I miss my old life.....
I just wanna run down the hallways...to find taylor...and hold him like we used to...
GOD DAMN...I'm crying...In the middle of freaking school! Crying cause I lost him...and crying cause I know he wont want me back...crying...cause my freaking body..I hate my fucking body!!!!!
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Here I go again with the fairy dust.......
I'm gonna go now
TTYL!!!!!!!!!