I will not survive this
School. People. Boys. COLLEGE. I can't handle it all. My world is falling down on me very, very fast. So many things coming at me in all different directions.
School. Holy shit. Chemistry is not bad. It's sort of hard, but I can handle the difficulty. The work load kills me sometimes. I've heard it will only get harder. I'm moving along very slowly with Calculus. I got an 85% on my last test, and I think I sort of understand the new chapter so far. I think. Physics- what the fuck? I just don't get it. My teacher is a fucking genius. He's awesome and everything, but he doesn't really explain things, he just expects us to understand it. For God's sake, the man was a rocket scientist - we are simply not at the same intellectual level as he is. I will be astonished if I survive this. In fact, if I do survive it, I will probably die from shock anyways. The shock of me surviving it.
Oh, and by the way, people suck. Basically, here's how it goes.. I consider myself a very thick-skinned person. In fact, a lot of people do. I'm also blunt and don't like sugar-coating. There is a big difference between sugar coating and tact. I have tact. Some people just don't understand it. That's when you have to be blunt. Also, some people just don't care about other people. That's also an appropriate time for bluntness. Long story short, people think I'm a bitch who hates everyone. I don't hate everyone. I don't hate anyone, except one person. And I don't like hating her. I don't like hurting people's feelings or just being a bitch in general. For some reason, people think I do. Sometimes it's necessary. You would put your dog down if it were suffering, right? You wouldn't want to, but it would be necessary. It would be wrong to let it suffer. Granted, my situation is less extreme than a dying animal, but it's the same concept. The combination of my objective bluntness and my well-known thick skin results in people being assholes to me. Not necessarily because they don't like me.. My friend Jon is an ass to me a whole lot. He even flat-out admitted that he does it to me more than others because he knows I can take it. I'm flattered, but please don't. Just because I can take it doesn't mean I enjoy it. I can handle people not liking me, I can handle people treating me like I'm worthless. That's a product of a lifetime of mediocrity and general unpopularity (if that's even a word). I've never liked it, I've just learned to live with it. But I want people to hug me. I want them to randomly do nice things for me and make me feel good, just like they do with everyone else. I don't want them to be hard on me just because I can take it. Even the hardest rock can only take so much before it crumbles. I am about to crumble.
Ugh, boys. Not a big deal, but not fun when piled on top of everything else. Basically, there's this guy in one of my classes who reminds me so, so much of James. I thought it immediately, which sort of set off an alarm. I tried not to talk to him more than necessary, because I knew I would end up liking him for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was doing a fairly good job. Not that he was making it easy, what with him being one of the nicest freaking people ever. He even sort of looks like him. So anyways, I thought I was doing a good job, then he hugs me. The one person I DON'T want to hug me (even though I really do, I just try to suppress it) freaking hugs me. There go the butterflies. I am so dumb.
College. Oh, god. I have to start writing admissions essays. I have to have the rough draft by tomorrow for my lit class. All I have to say is... how the fuck am I supposed to tell them who I am when I don't even know?
School. Holy shit. Chemistry is not bad. It's sort of hard, but I can handle the difficulty. The work load kills me sometimes. I've heard it will only get harder. I'm moving along very slowly with Calculus. I got an 85% on my last test, and I think I sort of understand the new chapter so far. I think. Physics- what the fuck? I just don't get it. My teacher is a fucking genius. He's awesome and everything, but he doesn't really explain things, he just expects us to understand it. For God's sake, the man was a rocket scientist - we are simply not at the same intellectual level as he is. I will be astonished if I survive this. In fact, if I do survive it, I will probably die from shock anyways. The shock of me surviving it.
Oh, and by the way, people suck. Basically, here's how it goes.. I consider myself a very thick-skinned person. In fact, a lot of people do. I'm also blunt and don't like sugar-coating. There is a big difference between sugar coating and tact. I have tact. Some people just don't understand it. That's when you have to be blunt. Also, some people just don't care about other people. That's also an appropriate time for bluntness. Long story short, people think I'm a bitch who hates everyone. I don't hate everyone. I don't hate anyone, except one person. And I don't like hating her. I don't like hurting people's feelings or just being a bitch in general. For some reason, people think I do. Sometimes it's necessary. You would put your dog down if it were suffering, right? You wouldn't want to, but it would be necessary. It would be wrong to let it suffer. Granted, my situation is less extreme than a dying animal, but it's the same concept. The combination of my objective bluntness and my well-known thick skin results in people being assholes to me. Not necessarily because they don't like me.. My friend Jon is an ass to me a whole lot. He even flat-out admitted that he does it to me more than others because he knows I can take it. I'm flattered, but please don't. Just because I can take it doesn't mean I enjoy it. I can handle people not liking me, I can handle people treating me like I'm worthless. That's a product of a lifetime of mediocrity and general unpopularity (if that's even a word). I've never liked it, I've just learned to live with it. But I want people to hug me. I want them to randomly do nice things for me and make me feel good, just like they do with everyone else. I don't want them to be hard on me just because I can take it. Even the hardest rock can only take so much before it crumbles. I am about to crumble.
Ugh, boys. Not a big deal, but not fun when piled on top of everything else. Basically, there's this guy in one of my classes who reminds me so, so much of James. I thought it immediately, which sort of set off an alarm. I tried not to talk to him more than necessary, because I knew I would end up liking him for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was doing a fairly good job. Not that he was making it easy, what with him being one of the nicest freaking people ever. He even sort of looks like him. So anyways, I thought I was doing a good job, then he hugs me. The one person I DON'T want to hug me (even though I really do, I just try to suppress it) freaking hugs me. There go the butterflies. I am so dumb.
College. Oh, god. I have to start writing admissions essays. I have to have the rough draft by tomorrow for my lit class. All I have to say is... how the fuck am I supposed to tell them who I am when I don't even know?