So we fight through the hurt..
Courtney and I have been trying to win Justin Bieber tickets for a few days now. We even competed in this contest entitled "Disgustin for Justin" on 95.5. We were on the radio, ate some sick crap and still lost. I can't believe it. I am so sad. Tomorrow is the show and I am not going. wtf. I never tried so hard to win anything. fuck. I feel like Courtney was mad at me after. I felt bad. Like I hope I didn't force her into doing it. Sadly, even though it is humiliating and disgusting, I was proud that I was able to do it. It shows dedication hahahaha Bieber better know how deep our love goes. SHIT! Those pics on mojointhemorning.com are pretty lol and gross. Our outfits were so cute. I still can't believe we didn't win any bieber tickets. what. the. fuck.
Today was John's birthday party. It was weird and awkward. Plus I wasn't feel too well, so Jessica and I just bounced. We went to Royal Oak. I saw Jared Leto boy there. He said hey! I was excited lol until I saw him later smoking hookah with Brianne...I'm pretty sure it was her at least. Gross. But he has a mohawk. DAMN!
I'm so excited for the next few weeks!! Ulla comes back this week! I AM PUMPED!!! Plus Sept 3rd is Eminem! Sept 4th is my 21st birthday and Gaga! Kyle Czapp will be home around then too. And a certain Asian named Justine :] 20 days until I turn 21. CRAZYYYYYYYYY! I am so old.
I seriously can't believe how close I have grown to Justine this summer. Like it doesn't even seem like we stopped being friends. It's 8th grade all over again. haha I'm going to miss her so bad. Stuck here with all the freaks haha Besides Jessica. I actually enjoy hanging out with her lol
I can't believe this summer is coming to a close already. It went to fast. But like all amazing things, they always come to an end. Even though I had a lot of hard times, I enjoyed myself. I feel like I personally grew a lot.
I'm starting to try to look out for myself more and not just make everyone around me happy, while I am miserable. I also am trying to speak my opinion more, instead of smiling when I am upset.
It's insane to think that my friendship with Brandie might really be over. But I feel like things will never be the same. Not only has she just been totally shitty to me and lied to me but she is turning into someone I can't stand. One of those girls I don't hang out with. I'm not friends with whores and I will not start now. So whatever.
Watching Joe get high all the time makes me so depressed. I can see the path he is going to take. I can't watch him end up like my mom. I won't. I try whatever possible to talk to him about his drug use but nothing works. I mean, yeah right now it's just weed, but it always goes to the hardcore drugs later. I can't watch my brother destroy his life. I wish he knew how bad it hurts me.
I really have been missing my dad like all the time lately. When I see a little girl with her dad, I just want to cry. I miss mine more than anything. I wish there was something I could do to get him back. I wanted to cry the other night over something stupid. They had a contest on the radio for dads to call in and sing Baby by justin bieber for tickets. And I know if my dad was alive, he would have done it, no questions asked. He always tried to make me the happiest little girl, his princess as he would say. And I know it's dumb, but I just hurt so bad hearing that dumb contest idea. When I think about my dad, my stomach burns and my heart just feels empty. I just wish he were here. More than anything. I miss him just saying I love you. I wish I could just talk to him. I wish I knew what he thought of my life. I wonder if he is proud? Even if he wanted to yell at me about something, I would love to hear it. I need him to voice his opinion on my career choice and give me the extra push so I feel motivated. I know he would tell me to continue to try to be a doctor, but if I'm a doctor of psychology I hope that makes him proud. That's all I try to do in my life, live how he would want me to. I try to make him proud. I just miss him so bad. I love ya Dad, forever and always. Thanks for being the best dad, I just wish I could have had more time. It was just a tease.
I guess it will never stop hurting, I guess it shouldn't. If you lose someone you truly love, it will always sting. I just wish he could come back. Thinking about all the things he will miss in my lifetime makes me cry. He wasn't there for my high school graduation and I know, he told me, he prayed every night to be able to live to see that. He won't be there for my college graduation, to give me away at my wedding, to play with his grandkids, or watch me grow old and successful..I wish god would have granted him a few of his prayers and let him live here a bit longer. I don't think I would have ever been ready to lose my dad, but maybe if I was older when it happened, things wouldn't be so horrible.
I believe in god, but sometimes it is so difficult to do so. Like when I think about my dad, how do you take a good, respectable, honest, amazing father and leave pieces of shit murders and shit on earth? When I think about my life and the things I have been put through, it just doesn't seem fair. I feel like god is picking on me. I thank god for my home, my car, for food and my dogs. But how much pain does he plan on inflicting on me? I mean my mom is a drug addict and my brother is slowly turning into her. it is killing me. I don't have any family to fall back on. I wish for anything I could find my dad somewhere, randomly on this earth. I need his support. I've never felt so alone.
I hate when people take for granted their lives. When they don't appreciate the time they have with their parents. I hate when people act like assholes. I hate when people act like they are better than everyone. I hate when someone tells you they are sorry but they really aren't. Sorry is just an excuse to do it again. I hate when a friend turns into a whore and thinks it's okay because she is a "lesbian". I hate people who are fucking hypocrites. I think I am done with a lot of the people I know. There are like few people I really like anymore. The rest, I could care two fucks if our friendship dies. I miss how some of my friends use to be. But few have really grown up. Probably because they have such cushy lives. Like I love John, but come on. Grow the fuck up man. Loyalty does not mean making all of your friends hate the people you hate. What are we 5? And I would love to change shoes with some people and have them live my life for week.
I just am really unhappy. I don't know how to change it. I miss my dad. I miss my mom, being sober. I miss my brother, being sober. When my dad died, my entire family died right alongside him. I'm the only one who can function normally. I guess I thank him for showing me how to be a fighter and how to be strong. But you can only be strong for so long when you are all alone, fighting the world.
I mean, I love having good friends. And the ones I do love, I do consider family. But idk i just feel so alone. so empty. It's pathetic. It's emo. It's whatever.
Today was John's birthday party. It was weird and awkward. Plus I wasn't feel too well, so Jessica and I just bounced. We went to Royal Oak. I saw Jared Leto boy there. He said hey! I was excited lol until I saw him later smoking hookah with Brianne...I'm pretty sure it was her at least. Gross. But he has a mohawk. DAMN!
I'm so excited for the next few weeks!! Ulla comes back this week! I AM PUMPED!!! Plus Sept 3rd is Eminem! Sept 4th is my 21st birthday and Gaga! Kyle Czapp will be home around then too. And a certain Asian named Justine :] 20 days until I turn 21. CRAZYYYYYYYYY! I am so old.
I seriously can't believe how close I have grown to Justine this summer. Like it doesn't even seem like we stopped being friends. It's 8th grade all over again. haha I'm going to miss her so bad. Stuck here with all the freaks haha Besides Jessica. I actually enjoy hanging out with her lol
I can't believe this summer is coming to a close already. It went to fast. But like all amazing things, they always come to an end. Even though I had a lot of hard times, I enjoyed myself. I feel like I personally grew a lot.
I'm starting to try to look out for myself more and not just make everyone around me happy, while I am miserable. I also am trying to speak my opinion more, instead of smiling when I am upset.
It's insane to think that my friendship with Brandie might really be over. But I feel like things will never be the same. Not only has she just been totally shitty to me and lied to me but she is turning into someone I can't stand. One of those girls I don't hang out with. I'm not friends with whores and I will not start now. So whatever.
Watching Joe get high all the time makes me so depressed. I can see the path he is going to take. I can't watch him end up like my mom. I won't. I try whatever possible to talk to him about his drug use but nothing works. I mean, yeah right now it's just weed, but it always goes to the hardcore drugs later. I can't watch my brother destroy his life. I wish he knew how bad it hurts me.
I really have been missing my dad like all the time lately. When I see a little girl with her dad, I just want to cry. I miss mine more than anything. I wish there was something I could do to get him back. I wanted to cry the other night over something stupid. They had a contest on the radio for dads to call in and sing Baby by justin bieber for tickets. And I know if my dad was alive, he would have done it, no questions asked. He always tried to make me the happiest little girl, his princess as he would say. And I know it's dumb, but I just hurt so bad hearing that dumb contest idea. When I think about my dad, my stomach burns and my heart just feels empty. I just wish he were here. More than anything. I miss him just saying I love you. I wish I could just talk to him. I wish I knew what he thought of my life. I wonder if he is proud? Even if he wanted to yell at me about something, I would love to hear it. I need him to voice his opinion on my career choice and give me the extra push so I feel motivated. I know he would tell me to continue to try to be a doctor, but if I'm a doctor of psychology I hope that makes him proud. That's all I try to do in my life, live how he would want me to. I try to make him proud. I just miss him so bad. I love ya Dad, forever and always. Thanks for being the best dad, I just wish I could have had more time. It was just a tease.
I guess it will never stop hurting, I guess it shouldn't. If you lose someone you truly love, it will always sting. I just wish he could come back. Thinking about all the things he will miss in my lifetime makes me cry. He wasn't there for my high school graduation and I know, he told me, he prayed every night to be able to live to see that. He won't be there for my college graduation, to give me away at my wedding, to play with his grandkids, or watch me grow old and successful..I wish god would have granted him a few of his prayers and let him live here a bit longer. I don't think I would have ever been ready to lose my dad, but maybe if I was older when it happened, things wouldn't be so horrible.
I believe in god, but sometimes it is so difficult to do so. Like when I think about my dad, how do you take a good, respectable, honest, amazing father and leave pieces of shit murders and shit on earth? When I think about my life and the things I have been put through, it just doesn't seem fair. I feel like god is picking on me. I thank god for my home, my car, for food and my dogs. But how much pain does he plan on inflicting on me? I mean my mom is a drug addict and my brother is slowly turning into her. it is killing me. I don't have any family to fall back on. I wish for anything I could find my dad somewhere, randomly on this earth. I need his support. I've never felt so alone.
I hate when people take for granted their lives. When they don't appreciate the time they have with their parents. I hate when people act like assholes. I hate when people act like they are better than everyone. I hate when someone tells you they are sorry but they really aren't. Sorry is just an excuse to do it again. I hate when a friend turns into a whore and thinks it's okay because she is a "lesbian". I hate people who are fucking hypocrites. I think I am done with a lot of the people I know. There are like few people I really like anymore. The rest, I could care two fucks if our friendship dies. I miss how some of my friends use to be. But few have really grown up. Probably because they have such cushy lives. Like I love John, but come on. Grow the fuck up man. Loyalty does not mean making all of your friends hate the people you hate. What are we 5? And I would love to change shoes with some people and have them live my life for week.
I just am really unhappy. I don't know how to change it. I miss my dad. I miss my mom, being sober. I miss my brother, being sober. When my dad died, my entire family died right alongside him. I'm the only one who can function normally. I guess I thank him for showing me how to be a fighter and how to be strong. But you can only be strong for so long when you are all alone, fighting the world.
I mean, I love having good friends. And the ones I do love, I do consider family. But idk i just feel so alone. so empty. It's pathetic. It's emo. It's whatever.