Today's secret word is "Love". Now you all know what to do when someone says the secret word.
Love is a fragile thing. And I don't mean this to be cliche', love is something that can/may/will break.
This is a funny subject for me, if you've ever read my livejournal you hear me talk about this alot. More often than not I think I mentioned the how I never thought love to be a real thing. I mostly just assumed it to be some fictional concept brought about to write stories and sell greeting cards and give women something to think about.
I've fallen in and out of love a few times in my life. I've had times where I thought girls completed me and I had time when I thought things would never be right because some girl didn't have the stupid fuzzy feeling that I had. In time I found out that the fuzzy feeling is actually chemicals doing a little trick on the bodies of individuals and really didn't assist the validity of the entity of love.
I spent a large portion of my love life womenizing. I lived nightly by the hook-up or fail scenerio. I enjoyed it too. At that time however I didn't experience this "crazy little thing called love". Do I regret the time I spent whoring around? of course not. Do I wish I would have experienced what i know to be love now, sooner? That's debateable. I do know that everything I've done in my life until now is what makes me who I am, and despite the feelings I've had lately of wanting to run away from myself, I am happy of the boy I am. Though the happiness I felt and am still feeling at times due to the love I'm in is a much greater feeling than all those nights I spent making-out with even the good-looking girls.
I guess it started about 2 years and a few months ago. I saw a girl walking by with a look so smug and distant on her face a and style so natural and new that I was instantly intriged. I watched this girl for a few minutes until she was out of sight, but not far from mind at all. I thought about her daily, I thought of lines I could say to strike up a conversation and I thought of lives we could live together before I had even stared at her from across the room for a second time. The chemicals making that fuzzy feeling were in full effect.
I saw her again and again. A total of 5, maybe 6 times in a course of about 7 months. Everytime my tongue swelled and I felt the urge of needing to take a shit (that's a shitty way to describe a dozen butterflies in my stomach, but you know the feeling). One day I talked to her...by that I mean talked to two other people who then talked to her for me. I had my date with her which I barely remember and I showed her a side of me that most, including myself, hate. And she still spoke to me.
I think I realized it was love when she agree to have dinner with my mother and I just four days after we met. I loved her for a while until I realized that I really really actually love this girl.
What I felt was a comfort of being with her that in time grew into an absolute obsession with a girl that was actually my girlfriend. In june of 2005, a year and a month after we had met, I was thinking to myself how much I cared about her and how much she really meant to me. The song "She loves you" by the beatles popped into my head and I nearly cried with happiness. She did love. And I loved her. Everything was absolutly peachy.
We had rocky stages from the beginning. We fought. It's bound to happen, people will fight and argue about whatever. I rarly feared that we would let it get the better of us and make us challenge our relationship. And for the most part we didn't, and for the most part it didn't.
The time came over a week ago that we needed to be separate...she needed to be separate, from me. It was rough, I'll be honest, I cried harder than I ever thought I would, I never imagined myself falling to my knees with my face in my heads with tears screaming their way out just off of the scent of her on my pillow. I had lost control of myself for along time. I mean days might now seem long in the grand scheme of things but when you're waiting for a returned phone call every minute that goes my, you're heart wastes a half-life and what you know of yourself dies a little.
Through all the pain and all the suffering that I've been through in the past week, I am above all very very happy to have experienced what Lauren and I had. I am happy to think that we will get it back. Maybe I'm foolish, maybe she has no want to come back at all. I would be lying if I said that it wouldn't break my heart, but I know that I would never regret the smiles she gave me and the absolute joy I felt with her by my side.
You might say it's hopeless and chances are that she won't come back. But you probably don't realize what Lauren and I had. We had love. We had this fragile delicate love that some search for their whole life and are never lucky enough to be like Lauren and I.
It is hard. And she, I'm sure, is suffering through this as much as me. I know she is, because when I'm up, she seems to be down, and when I'm down, She seems to have moved on. Love is like this. The chemicals in our body make it possible, and they will turn on us and make us in silly ways that just makes the love even harder. But if you find love....
If you are luck enough....
If you meet a Lauren Martin. Realize how fragile the happiness is. realize that both sides will hurt. and for christ sake hold on to what you have. Make the other person realize what they have. And never put someone down for the feelings they have. Love never justifies. I know I'll be a smarter man. And I know I love Lauren until I die. I just hope when I die; it's in her arms.
This is a funny subject for me, if you've ever read my livejournal you hear me talk about this alot. More often than not I think I mentioned the how I never thought love to be a real thing. I mostly just assumed it to be some fictional concept brought about to write stories and sell greeting cards and give women something to think about.
I've fallen in and out of love a few times in my life. I've had times where I thought girls completed me and I had time when I thought things would never be right because some girl didn't have the stupid fuzzy feeling that I had. In time I found out that the fuzzy feeling is actually chemicals doing a little trick on the bodies of individuals and really didn't assist the validity of the entity of love.
I spent a large portion of my love life womenizing. I lived nightly by the hook-up or fail scenerio. I enjoyed it too. At that time however I didn't experience this "crazy little thing called love". Do I regret the time I spent whoring around? of course not. Do I wish I would have experienced what i know to be love now, sooner? That's debateable. I do know that everything I've done in my life until now is what makes me who I am, and despite the feelings I've had lately of wanting to run away from myself, I am happy of the boy I am. Though the happiness I felt and am still feeling at times due to the love I'm in is a much greater feeling than all those nights I spent making-out with even the good-looking girls.
I guess it started about 2 years and a few months ago. I saw a girl walking by with a look so smug and distant on her face a and style so natural and new that I was instantly intriged. I watched this girl for a few minutes until she was out of sight, but not far from mind at all. I thought about her daily, I thought of lines I could say to strike up a conversation and I thought of lives we could live together before I had even stared at her from across the room for a second time. The chemicals making that fuzzy feeling were in full effect.
I saw her again and again. A total of 5, maybe 6 times in a course of about 7 months. Everytime my tongue swelled and I felt the urge of needing to take a shit (that's a shitty way to describe a dozen butterflies in my stomach, but you know the feeling). One day I talked to her...by that I mean talked to two other people who then talked to her for me. I had my date with her which I barely remember and I showed her a side of me that most, including myself, hate. And she still spoke to me.
I think I realized it was love when she agree to have dinner with my mother and I just four days after we met. I loved her for a while until I realized that I really really actually love this girl.
What I felt was a comfort of being with her that in time grew into an absolute obsession with a girl that was actually my girlfriend. In june of 2005, a year and a month after we had met, I was thinking to myself how much I cared about her and how much she really meant to me. The song "She loves you" by the beatles popped into my head and I nearly cried with happiness. She did love. And I loved her. Everything was absolutly peachy.
We had rocky stages from the beginning. We fought. It's bound to happen, people will fight and argue about whatever. I rarly feared that we would let it get the better of us and make us challenge our relationship. And for the most part we didn't, and for the most part it didn't.
The time came over a week ago that we needed to be separate...she needed to be separate, from me. It was rough, I'll be honest, I cried harder than I ever thought I would, I never imagined myself falling to my knees with my face in my heads with tears screaming their way out just off of the scent of her on my pillow. I had lost control of myself for along time. I mean days might now seem long in the grand scheme of things but when you're waiting for a returned phone call every minute that goes my, you're heart wastes a half-life and what you know of yourself dies a little.
Through all the pain and all the suffering that I've been through in the past week, I am above all very very happy to have experienced what Lauren and I had. I am happy to think that we will get it back. Maybe I'm foolish, maybe she has no want to come back at all. I would be lying if I said that it wouldn't break my heart, but I know that I would never regret the smiles she gave me and the absolute joy I felt with her by my side.
You might say it's hopeless and chances are that she won't come back. But you probably don't realize what Lauren and I had. We had love. We had this fragile delicate love that some search for their whole life and are never lucky enough to be like Lauren and I.
It is hard. And she, I'm sure, is suffering through this as much as me. I know she is, because when I'm up, she seems to be down, and when I'm down, She seems to have moved on. Love is like this. The chemicals in our body make it possible, and they will turn on us and make us in silly ways that just makes the love even harder. But if you find love....
If you are luck enough....
If you meet a Lauren Martin. Realize how fragile the happiness is. realize that both sides will hurt. and for christ sake hold on to what you have. Make the other person realize what they have. And never put someone down for the feelings they have. Love never justifies. I know I'll be a smarter man. And I know I love Lauren until I die. I just hope when I die; it's in her arms.