January....
Don't you just love feeling useless and overwhelmed? I know I do.
So today I figured that I would stay home to get some things done. I desperately have to get a letter out to my German penpal who wrote me all the way back in October! I take full responsibility for that one. My procrastination problems have to change, or else I'm going to be in some serious trouble. I've been trying to get some chores done and so far I've changed the cat's litter, took out the garbage, and put away some laundry while the others vaccumed the living room and cleaned the bathroom. I was feeling pretty good. I was getting things done without being asked.
I went upsairs to make some food and all of the sudden there's my grandmother in the living room and my mom is home from work. I'm thinking when did this happen and how didn't I notice? My mom didn't seem to be in a good mood so I just asked what was wrong.
Next thing I know she goes into one of her bitch rants about how nobody but her does anything around here. It wasn't all directed at me, but I felt like it was. I know I should have just shut up and let her get things out. I know she probably had a bad day at work and came home to find nobody ready to leave. I know she just wants a nice house...she likes to watch all of those channels like HGTV and TLC with all of the home makeover shows...I know she wants people to think "wow." when they see our house. The fact is, that's never going to happen as long as she still has kids living here. I think she feels like she's never going to get that and it really dissapoints her. I'm really trying to understand and be sympathetic.
And yeah...maybe I could try harder. I know I could try harder to get things done, but I'm just one of those people who has next to no motivation for anything half the time and what motivation I do have I don't really put into trying to help that much. I put it into more selfish things, but I think I'm entitled to do that at least somewhat. I've actually started exercising. I dislike it greatly, but I've been doing it. I'm also trying to eat better. It's really hard, but I am doing better. I've worked hard in school to get straight As. I haven't worked my ass off, but I haven't been sitting on it all the time either.
I'm dealing with some internal battles at the moment too. I think I tend to think about things to much as discourage myself, which then causes me to put things off even more. I know I'm better than this. I know I can do the things I want. I know I shouldn't let her make me feel useless because I'm not. I know I shouldn't feel overwhelmed because I have help and I'm a strong person.
Also, my mom is one of the best moms one could ever ask for. I do have a relationship with her and I do talk to her. I enjoy talking and spending time with her. She does a lot for me of course and I do fully appriciate everything, but apparently I don't do such a good job of showing it. I mean this wouldn't have affected me half as much if I didn't think it was true.
Well, I suppose I should go and try to do some of the things I planned on for once plus some, but I honestly don't know what difference it will make. She'll just think I did it because she bitched at me (all of us really...), which I suppose is true.