Ponderings on a number of things...
Here we go again...
So...I was looking over my-ex's LJ, soldiergrrrl, and noted a number of things. One, I really was an asshole there for a while. Two, I am no longer bothered by what she had posted. And three, that there are some misconceptions (at least then) about my health condition.
So I felt like talking about my health briefly, like an update of my conditions. Currently I have 70% disability. Of this, none is faked or over exaggerated for more percentage. My shoulder is slowly getting better since a massage therapist realized that the problem was that I had guarded the muscles for so long that they got used to it and that they basically seized up after the various post-surgery accidents I was in. The deep rotator cuff massage I got freed up a lot of things and hurt a whole hell of a lot. But I can move it better.
My right wrist is getting worse. The pain flares can be so intense that I almost white out from the pain. Some of them are almost up there, in terms of perceived pain, with my kidney stones. OMFG...it can really hurt. Holding a book hurts, typing, getting dressed, etc... all hurts. I have the VA putting in a consult to see if they can find something to do to ease the pain. If it gets much worse I am going to need a wrist replacement. Whee...
Kidney stones. Still got them. Still suck. Not going to get uretoscopy ever again. Ever.
Migraines are still with me. Had a minor one last night during Beowulf class. Sucked and made it hard to read my own writing. Not good. But I held on through class, so that is good. The Botox injections have helped as has the neurontin. Now if I could only get back into the whole massage therapy thing.
So I am just doing what I can to stay healthy and Weight Watchers has really been helping. Dropping the weight should lower the body stress and improve my health overall. That would be good. I actually miss a number of things. I realized that with my wrist I can never go climbing again. That really sucks as I utterly enjoy that activity. I have been looking into some work arounds for my martial arts and since my shoulder is getting better I can actually do more. So that is something. Sword work is still tough but so it goes.
But enough about my health and it's fucked-up-a-tude.
The other thing I wanted to talk about, this being V-Day and all, is love. I have really pondered this over a good deal of my life and I think the topic is very elusive. First off, the whole thing about you can't really love someone else until you can love yourself...I think it's true. I think society is also good at making you not even like yourself let alone love it. But coming to peace with yourself does wonders for your capacity to love.
Also I have realized that once I get over the hurt and grief of those I have really loved and lost that the love comes back, only different. I still love Alleycat, soldiergrrrl and jadestorm18 but not in any way that would get me romantically involved with them. I just feel the strength and truth of the love I had for them and the knowledge that things change and life moves on.
A lot of this may simply be that I grew up and part of this might be due to my meditations on compassionate mercy. Having the Bodhisattva Kwan Yin as one of your deities sort of leads you in that direction. My faith is what has helped me to realize all these things about myself and to reach a level of balance. It has helped me to see and understand the nature of love.
Personally, I have never been happier in my life and I find that I really like it. I love myself, accepting all my strengths and flaws. I can see myself as who I am and am doing my best to live my truth. I can also see and feel the love I have for others. I love a number of people I may never see again and that makes me a bit melancholy. I miss friends and some of my enemies (or more to the point the people who really bug the crap out of me, like Robert). Today, of all days, I can feel and understand the infinite compassionate mercy of my Lady Kwan Yin.
So, I also wanted to let everyone know that I love them and wish them well. I hope kindness and mercy find you and envelop you today and everyday. I hope the blessings of compassion reach you and fill your life.
Happy Valentines Day everyone!
So...I was looking over my-ex's LJ, soldiergrrrl, and noted a number of things. One, I really was an asshole there for a while. Two, I am no longer bothered by what she had posted. And three, that there are some misconceptions (at least then) about my health condition.
So I felt like talking about my health briefly, like an update of my conditions. Currently I have 70% disability. Of this, none is faked or over exaggerated for more percentage. My shoulder is slowly getting better since a massage therapist realized that the problem was that I had guarded the muscles for so long that they got used to it and that they basically seized up after the various post-surgery accidents I was in. The deep rotator cuff massage I got freed up a lot of things and hurt a whole hell of a lot. But I can move it better.
My right wrist is getting worse. The pain flares can be so intense that I almost white out from the pain. Some of them are almost up there, in terms of perceived pain, with my kidney stones. OMFG...it can really hurt. Holding a book hurts, typing, getting dressed, etc... all hurts. I have the VA putting in a consult to see if they can find something to do to ease the pain. If it gets much worse I am going to need a wrist replacement. Whee...
Kidney stones. Still got them. Still suck. Not going to get uretoscopy ever again. Ever.
Migraines are still with me. Had a minor one last night during Beowulf class. Sucked and made it hard to read my own writing. Not good. But I held on through class, so that is good. The Botox injections have helped as has the neurontin. Now if I could only get back into the whole massage therapy thing.
So I am just doing what I can to stay healthy and Weight Watchers has really been helping. Dropping the weight should lower the body stress and improve my health overall. That would be good. I actually miss a number of things. I realized that with my wrist I can never go climbing again. That really sucks as I utterly enjoy that activity. I have been looking into some work arounds for my martial arts and since my shoulder is getting better I can actually do more. So that is something. Sword work is still tough but so it goes.
But enough about my health and it's fucked-up-a-tude.
The other thing I wanted to talk about, this being V-Day and all, is love. I have really pondered this over a good deal of my life and I think the topic is very elusive. First off, the whole thing about you can't really love someone else until you can love yourself...I think it's true. I think society is also good at making you not even like yourself let alone love it. But coming to peace with yourself does wonders for your capacity to love.
Also I have realized that once I get over the hurt and grief of those I have really loved and lost that the love comes back, only different. I still love Alleycat, soldiergrrrl and jadestorm18 but not in any way that would get me romantically involved with them. I just feel the strength and truth of the love I had for them and the knowledge that things change and life moves on.
A lot of this may simply be that I grew up and part of this might be due to my meditations on compassionate mercy. Having the Bodhisattva Kwan Yin as one of your deities sort of leads you in that direction. My faith is what has helped me to realize all these things about myself and to reach a level of balance. It has helped me to see and understand the nature of love.
Personally, I have never been happier in my life and I find that I really like it. I love myself, accepting all my strengths and flaws. I can see myself as who I am and am doing my best to live my truth. I can also see and feel the love I have for others. I love a number of people I may never see again and that makes me a bit melancholy. I miss friends and some of my enemies (or more to the point the people who really bug the crap out of me, like Robert). Today, of all days, I can feel and understand the infinite compassionate mercy of my Lady Kwan Yin.
So, I also wanted to let everyone know that I love them and wish them well. I hope kindness and mercy find you and envelop you today and everyday. I hope the blessings of compassion reach you and fill your life.
Happy Valentines Day everyone!