Little Victories
Okay...this is a bit tough, so if people wouldn't like to hear about extreme depression, then please move along.
Time changes a great man things. And it also gives you the ability to stand back and watch what had gone on before from a comfortable distance. Tonight/ today was one of those occasions.
Today we watched the Crow, which I absolutely love. There is so much to love about the film: the story, the action and especially the acting. Sadly, it is also the film that took Brandon Lee from us, just when his career was beginning to take off. I haven't seen this film in just over eight years, mostly because of what happened when I last saw the film.
Back in February of 2001 I had been out of the Military for just over two months. I was also just starting to deal with my gender issues. The other major thing going on at that point was that my marriage with soldiergrrrl was falling apart. When we had gone to Chattacon a few weeks earlier thing were bad. I wanted to spend time with her, dapkagelek and lawyerboy. Problem was that it seemed as if the didn't want to spend time with me. I was trying to repair bridges I had burned while I had been standing on them but apparently it was too little, too late at that point. I felt like I kept hitting a brick wall and that I was being purposefully shut out of things. Needless to say that I did not deal well with that.
It basically made things fester inside, along with the guilt I was feeling about the insane idea that I was a woman. I felt cut off from who I thought I was, cut off from those I loved and in pain constantly from my shoulder injury and migraines. This would not could as a happy place for anyone. I felt alone and unloved and the pain phsicall, emotionally and spiritually that I was dealing with was so overwhelming I quit.
So, as is the solution to many things of this nature I began to drink, heavily. I was working on a bottle of Jameson, rolling things over in my head and felling worse and worse as time went along. I then added to the fun by getting the Crow, which had been making me depressed almost everytime I had seen it after te first, and by getting the handgun. I loaded it, took out the safety slug which worked as an in barrel protection measure and made sure there was a bullet in the chamber. So with whiskey in one hand and a loaded pistol in the other, I started the movie.
I barely registered dapkagelek , who was in the house with me at the time. From what I heard later, he was watching the whole thing rather worried. Once it was clear what I intended to do he took off out of the house and rushed to get soldiergrrrl , who was on base working. Several times I had the barrel of te gun to my head, with my finger tightening before one of the fight scenes came on, distracting me, my love of martial arts clearly saving my life.
After the major fight in the top of the club, I had the pistol to m head again when soldiergrrrl came in with dapkagelek . I am still unclear everything she said, mostly thinking about the following: how stupid it is to scream at a suicidal person holding a gun, if I should look her in the eyes and then pull the trigger, if I should shoot her and then myself or some combination of things. I just sat there, pistol in hand watching her. Finally, she screamed her last and stormed out of the house with dapkagelek close behind.
I sat there for several minutes, undecided, before I put down the gun, finished the drink, turned off the movie and went to sleep.
The gun was gone from the house when I woke up. Things only got worse after that but I never quite got suicidal again and not for a good reason, but rather because I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. Things ended soon after.
But tonight I was able to watch the movie and enjoy it, not even getting depressed, merely the bit of melancholy that the film is designed to give you. Eight years is a long time not to watch a movie you love and thakfully it doesn't haunt me anymore. A lot has changed since then and I am in a better place all the way around. Maybe that's what I need to remember and to just enjoy the little victories for what they are.
Time changes a great man things. And it also gives you the ability to stand back and watch what had gone on before from a comfortable distance. Tonight/ today was one of those occasions.
Today we watched the Crow, which I absolutely love. There is so much to love about the film: the story, the action and especially the acting. Sadly, it is also the film that took Brandon Lee from us, just when his career was beginning to take off. I haven't seen this film in just over eight years, mostly because of what happened when I last saw the film.
Back in February of 2001 I had been out of the Military for just over two months. I was also just starting to deal with my gender issues. The other major thing going on at that point was that my marriage with soldiergrrrl was falling apart. When we had gone to Chattacon a few weeks earlier thing were bad. I wanted to spend time with her, dapkagelek and lawyerboy. Problem was that it seemed as if the didn't want to spend time with me. I was trying to repair bridges I had burned while I had been standing on them but apparently it was too little, too late at that point. I felt like I kept hitting a brick wall and that I was being purposefully shut out of things. Needless to say that I did not deal well with that.
It basically made things fester inside, along with the guilt I was feeling about the insane idea that I was a woman. I felt cut off from who I thought I was, cut off from those I loved and in pain constantly from my shoulder injury and migraines. This would not could as a happy place for anyone. I felt alone and unloved and the pain phsicall, emotionally and spiritually that I was dealing with was so overwhelming I quit.
So, as is the solution to many things of this nature I began to drink, heavily. I was working on a bottle of Jameson, rolling things over in my head and felling worse and worse as time went along. I then added to the fun by getting the Crow, which had been making me depressed almost everytime I had seen it after te first, and by getting the handgun. I loaded it, took out the safety slug which worked as an in barrel protection measure and made sure there was a bullet in the chamber. So with whiskey in one hand and a loaded pistol in the other, I started the movie.
I barely registered dapkagelek , who was in the house with me at the time. From what I heard later, he was watching the whole thing rather worried. Once it was clear what I intended to do he took off out of the house and rushed to get soldiergrrrl , who was on base working. Several times I had the barrel of te gun to my head, with my finger tightening before one of the fight scenes came on, distracting me, my love of martial arts clearly saving my life.
After the major fight in the top of the club, I had the pistol to m head again when soldiergrrrl came in with dapkagelek . I am still unclear everything she said, mostly thinking about the following: how stupid it is to scream at a suicidal person holding a gun, if I should look her in the eyes and then pull the trigger, if I should shoot her and then myself or some combination of things. I just sat there, pistol in hand watching her. Finally, she screamed her last and stormed out of the house with dapkagelek close behind.
I sat there for several minutes, undecided, before I put down the gun, finished the drink, turned off the movie and went to sleep.
The gun was gone from the house when I woke up. Things only got worse after that but I never quite got suicidal again and not for a good reason, but rather because I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. Things ended soon after.
But tonight I was able to watch the movie and enjoy it, not even getting depressed, merely the bit of melancholy that the film is designed to give you. Eight years is a long time not to watch a movie you love and thakfully it doesn't haunt me anymore. A lot has changed since then and I am in a better place all the way around. Maybe that's what I need to remember and to just enjoy the little victories for what they are.